Learning to Breathe
by AuroraFairylight
Summary: The whirlwind of teen emotions are a heavy burden for Lily and James w Sirius, Remus, Amelia,& Linda. Besides studying for the next Charms exam, they're preventing their pasts and secrets from ruining their presents & futures. And all sorts of rubbish.
1. Friends in Snow and Shadow

The snow--which had been falling lightly only moments ago--was now gaining momentum. James and Remus (where had Peter run off to this time? He'd gone to a shop near Knockturn alley, and still hadn't come back) were all loitering outside the Quidditch shop.

"Gettin' a bit drafty," James said through nearly-chattering teeth, holding on to his new gear tightly under his coat, afraid it'd get damaged from the wet cold snow. "Best get inside."

James and Remus made their way down the walk, pulling their jackets tighter, and they hurried towards the Three Broomsticks pub.

"So you doin' alright?" Sirius--who was leaning his arm up against the wall--asked Linda, the two of them huddled underneath the protection of a store's sign, but still in plain view. When Sirius'd left Amelia and Reg's company, he'd run into Linda, who suspected he wouldn't mind someone to talk to, and offered to lend an ear. And neither had wanted to go back into the pub. "I mean, I sort of heard 'bout you and Rem--"

"Of course you heard. Everyone's heard. Hogwarts' heard. The British Consulate has heard!" she laughed, in a mood of good sorts. She shifted her weight from one foot to another, trying to keep moving to brush off the chill. "Besides, weren't we just talking about _your_ problems?" Linda smiled weakly, suddenly really not wanting to talk about...anything that had to do with her. Life was too bothering to constantly think about.

"Sort of. But I'd feel more comfortable talking about mine, if I could hear more about yours."

Linda shook her head, smiling, and letting out a sigh. "You're a real piece of work, Black. Ok. Fine, I'll talk. Um, things have been alright. Not ideal, but I'm doing good. I mean, life hasn't stopped just because Remus won't consider me again."

Sirius scrunched his face. "Remus? But I thought you _also_ had feel--"

"Please. Even a daft girl like me knows what a catch Remus is, no matter _what_ he is. And yes, I know you know," she responded to his faux surprised-face. "You'd have to know, you and James, if anyone did." Her eyes seemed to go out of focus, like she was looking towards something, but not seeing anything. "But I don't want to drive him away either. I can wait."

She quieted, and the snow fell cold. His heart poured out for her--for some reason, he felt he could understand her unrequited love. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he held Linda to him comfortingly. "Well, he's bloody daft for making a girl like you wait another minute."

Just then, the devil himself, his brother Regulus, had passed by them (they remained undetected), with Amelia under his arm, jacket wrapped around her. Sirius's eye might have lingered on them for too long. He closed his eyes, shaking his head, shaking the thought of the two of them out of his mind.

Though Linda was resting her head on his shoulder, he could still imagine her smiling. "So is she," she said.

Sirius stiffened, but then relaxed. "I don't know what you mean, Linda, dear."

He could feel her suppressing a giggle. "Of course you don't. My mistake."

Sirius didn't say anything to that. After minutes of comfortable silence with prettyish sweet girl, he'd spotted James and Remus passing by hurriedly from the cold and into the Three Broomsticks. He thought he'd go talk to them.

Sirius nudged at Linda. "I've got to go see a man about a horse," he joked. "Can I trust you to be left alone, or will you go gallivanting off with the next hot young thing to come past your way?"

Linda shoved him in the shoulder. "Oh, you know me. I find things to keep myself occupied. But if you happen to see someone worth looking at, please by all means, send him my way."

He laughed at her candidness. Immediately, Sirius took off the scarf around his neck and wrapped it around Linda's. "Ta-ta, m'dear." He kissed her cheek, and walked steadily across the road, and to the warm-glowing Three Broomsticks, and its lively guests and company. Linda decided to stay out in the cold. In shadow.


	2. Unearthly and Mysterious

**T**he warmth of the Three Broomsticks wrapped around Sirius and fit like a glove. He shrugged the chill of outside off him, spotted his friends sitting in a booth, and walked on over.

"Hello, my freaky darlings," he greeted, brushing the snow of his shoulder, and taking his leather jacket off. "Miss me?"

"Hardly," James said, moving over in the booth to make room for Sirius.

Sirius slid in, and turned to the waitress passing by. "A butterbeer, if you please. Now, gents, what's the order of business for today? And where's Peter?"

Remus shifted. "Haven't seen him since he went to Knockturn Alley a whiles ago. I suppose he'll be along soon."

Sirius looked incredulously at the two of them. And scoffed. "Peter would soil himself at the mere sight of that place." He took a swig of his butterbeer, and smiled devilishly at the waitress as she walked away, turning a shade of pink. "What were you thinking sending him off on his own?"

"We're not his keepers," James looked across the room, towards the entrance Lily had just exited. She'd been so busy lately. Unavailable. He turned his attention back to the table. "Speaking of, where have _you_ been? Haven't seen you since this morning."

Sirius scooped the foam of his drink out with a spoon. "So what are you now, MY keeper?" he smirked, placing the foam in a nearby coaster. "I was with a girl, if you must know."

"Pretty?" Remus asked.

Sirius's smirk grew wider. "Stunning."

Linda wrapped her arms around herself to rub the cold out. Her fingers bothered themselves with the warm knit grey and blue scarf Sirius'd lent her, now hanging around her neck. And icy chill slid down her spine. It was getting really cold, really fast, she thought.

And she had the unshakable feeling of eyes watching.

She stepped out of her shadowy refuge, and walked down the streets of Hogsmeade, her hands in her coat pockets. Heading in no particular direction, she strolled down the village streets aimlessly.

From a distance, she saw a more-than-drab building sitting upon a hill. It was uninviting, unearthly, but most of all mysterious. People were literally picking up their pace as they passed this place. Something about this shack of a house intrigued her. In front of the mangled gate, Linda pushed open the beaten door with a loud _creeaaaakk_!, and squeezed herself through.

She heard footsteps behind her, muffled in the thin carpet of snow. Rabbits, perhaps. Linda could just make out a pathway leading to the abandoned home. And she followed.

But the sound of footsteps didn't fade.

And had she looked back, she would have seen the prints in the snow were not made by rabbits.


	3. Soft Winds and Silent Words

**Hi Everyone. Sorry it took a week or so to update. But, well, here ya go. And it's pretty long. Well, for me at least. Please, read to the bottom. I have shout-outs. Love ya. Kisses Now, on to the story. --Aurora**

* * *

_**Later. In the Common Room.**_

Even after an eventful day at Hogsmeade, the students were still happy to return to their warm rooms, and inviting fireplaces. The clock was ticking close to nine o'clock and they'd been back from the village for at least forty minutes.

Lily bustled down the stairs from her dormroom, and hurried towards the Portrait exit. "Lils," James called after her. "Going somewhere?"

She didn't look back. Halfway out of the exit, she called over her shoulder, "I'll be back."

"Prongs, would you make a move, already?" Remus pressed James, who was playing Wizard's chess with him. It was James's turn. Nineteen minutes ago.

His finger was tapping his chin intellectually. "I'm thinkin'. Can't rush this."  
Remus rested his head back on the couch of the Common Room. "Don't hurt yourself. All that thinking could get you a brain cramp." And then muttered to himself, "Birk."

They went on playing, James taking longer and longer, Remus growing more and more impatient. After a while, Lily returned, looking confused and scattered. She was sort of looking around and half-stepping in each direction, as if she'd misplaced something, and was trying to retrace her steps in hopes of finding it.

"Looking for something, Lily?" James asked her, looking up from his chess set.

It took Lily a full three seconds to realize anyone had spoken to her. "What? Oh. Um, James, Remus, do either of you know where Linda is?"

"What?" Remus's ears perked at the mention of her name, and turned to face Lily. "Why?"

Lily dismissed his question and asked quickly, "Do either of you remember her coming back with us? Has anyone even seen her since we were in the village?"

"Has anyone seen who?" came a deep voice from the stairs. Sirius was emerging from the steps, drying the back of his wet hair with a towel, wearing a thin T-shirt and jeans.

"Linda," answered Lily. "I haven't seen her all day, and, oddly enough, no one else seems to have either. And I'm not worried–I'm not," she repeated when she noticed James's condescending expression. "I just think it's...weird, that's all. No one saw her, and all."

"I did," Sirius shrugged.  
"You did?"  
"Sure, I was with her," he sat down next to James on the couch. "Outside the pub. We were talking."  
"You were?" Remus asked.  
"I'm sure she'll be back soon, that is if she's not already lurking around this school somewhere. But if you're really worried, Lils, we can go look for her if you want," Sirius offered. She let out a relieved sort of sigh, thankful for the help. Sirius went on to suggest that he and Remus should be the ones to go look for her, and that Lily stay behind in case she were to come back.

But Lily didn't feel they were anywhere near out of the woods yet. When they returned from their dormroom with their jackets, she asked "How are you going to get out of and then back into school grounds without getting caught?"

Sirius grinned playfully. "Don't be daft, Lil. Ol' Albus and I go way back. He won't mind a bit."  
"In other words," Remus filled in, "We're going to sneak out, and beg to Merlin we don't get caught."  
"Precisely," Sirius confirmed, slipping on his leather jacket.

Thirty minutes of running down corridors, sneaking into secret passages, and rushing down miles of underground tunnel later, Sirius and Remus emerged from the trap door in the Honeyduke's cellar.

Remus grumbled, patting dust off of him, "We're lucky practically all of Hogsmeade is closed now except for the pub."

They stepped into the outside, onto practically barren streets. Being winter it got very dark, very fast. Now, the entire place seemed soaked in shadows. It would take forever to find her in this darkness. Not to mention the frigid cold cloaking the night air.

The two young men could see the whiteness of their breaths hang in front of their faces. "It's pos-sitively f-freezing," shivered Remus.  
Sirius's lips were nearly blue, his lips chattered so loudly. "A-At least you d-didn't just take a sh-shower." He blew hard on his hands. "Think she might've went into the Three Broomsticks?"  
Remus shook his head, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. "No. I looked in the window when we passed. I didn't see her." He cocked his head. "Come on, let's check this way."

As they walked, Sirius pointed to a more-or-less hidden alley. "That's where I saw her last. We were talking right over there."

Remus kept his eyes ahead as they walked, side by side. "She was the pretty girl you mentioned before."

Sirius tried, but failed, to keep back a knowing smile. "You don't want me to think she's pretty." It was a statement, not a question. And Sirius wasn't about to ask permission.

He shrugged. "Why should I care?"

Sirius let out a laugh that sounded more like a bark, he threw his head back. "You're infatuated with her, perhaps? I mean, you're out here, freezing your arse off for her."

Remus screeched to a halt. And looked at his friend. He could've asked why _he_ was out here as well, but wasn't sure of the answer. "If it's alright, I'm not really in the talking mood. And I'd like to find Linda, as soon as possible."

Sirius held back another grin, and straightened his collar. "Whatever you say."

They walked some more, losing feeling in more body parts than either ever wanted to mention. If possible, it got darker, and the two were half-straining their eyes to see in front of them. The Shrieking Shack was next. Only several yards away now.

"Rem," Sirius's voice was hoarse from the cold, but curious all the same. "Think she might've gone in the shack?"

Remus shook his head, his arms folding tightly around him. "Nah. No one would be stupid enough to go in there. And Linda's death-afraid of it. Let's keep going this way." Remus charged on, his feet feeling heavier with each step, but he went on all the same.

And Sirius nearly followed him, dismissing all possibilities that she might be in the Shrieking shack, until... something caught his eye.

Something lay on the ground, half-covered by snow. On the other side of the mangled fence. Sirius was too broad to get through the gap, so Sirius the dog would have to do it. He animagi-ed himself through the gap, and transformed back to his normal self. Kneeling down, he picked up a very familiar looking article of clothing. Very familiar.

Sirius dusted the light snow off of his grey and blue knit scarf in his hand. The one he'd lent to Linda. She was in the shack.

"Remus," Sirius called out to him over his shoulder, but it didn't matter. Remus was too far from him now, having walked north, away from the shack.

Something else caught Sirius's attention. Two tracks in the snow. One slender, one not.

She wasn't in there alone.

* * *

**  
Time for the Authoress to give her shoutouts:**

**Riss**--It was so great to see you reply. And you were the first!

**Eimear**--I'm so glad you're around to chat. Hugs And please continue your story somewhere. It's too great not to.

**Manny**--Gives some cookies You're just....Ah. Awesome. So happy you're here, too.

**Missy**--Are there even words to say? Oh, and I LOVE to leave you with those cliffies. You show up afterwards with the funniest threats ever. LoooL. Huggles My freaky, freaky darling.

**Kelly**--I'll keep writing, as long as you keep reading. I tried to post as fast as I could. Always felt you were over my shoulder. LoL. And this whole "SRD" vs. the "SCD" thing is keepin' me in stitches! Feed Marius the fish for us, and stick around. winks Love ya.

**Lyr942**--Thank you so much for reading and sticking around all this time, really it means alot. And I'm glad, too, that I can hear from you, and get feedback. Please, don't be a stranger!

**Kelli**--I know, damn the Wb. They said they were unarchiving everything, and they DIDN'T. Psht. Anywho, as long as you and everyone else are here, that's all that matters. Eat some cookies and drink some Welche's, please.

**Whitney**--I don't think anything will get unarchived, honestly. But hey, looks like you got my link, too (couldn't really miss it with my posting-it-everywhere-I-could, eh?). Blissfully happy you're here.

**Luvshoes**--What's your name? And I'm so flattered you read L2B. Sirius and Amelia fan? Pinches cheeks You stick around, too.

**Blissfullawakenings**--No, YOU rock. Giggles Thanks for the review/bump. I want to hear more from you!

**Keeks**--Maybe, he knows that he likes Mel, but doesn't want to admit it, and also knows it can't go anywhere. Not now, at least. Realizes she's the author and shouldn't give hints Shut up, Meha. Knocks head

**April**--Where would WE be without YOU?! Snaps for April LoL, I don't get the boiled egg comment though. LooL. "English Sirius". Well, I try. LoL. And yes, college is going great. 13 hours of school a WEEK? Fantastic. I should've come to college sooner. LoL. How's life with you, darlin'?

**Michelle**/**Shell**--blows kisses back Luv ya, too. Dances Yep, we the rebels. LoL. And I LOVE that Sirius and Amelia dance. Did I ever tell ya that? Because I DO. Hugs

**Ashley**--You should strut and dance the Sirius/Mel dance proudly, anyways! And I agree with you m'dear. The boards ARE the spawn of Satan.

**Sam**--Sammy! I saw you! Don't you try to hide from me.

**Kaitlyn**--YOU VIXEN. LoooL. Soo cute, you are. We have GOT to ask more "questions." LoL. "Love him and....stuff." YEAH. I COULD IMAGINE. Giggles You doll.

**Paddy**--Thank you sooooooo much for the things you said! I've decided I'm going to totally like you. LoL. Hugs And sure, I'm going to try to review your story asap.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE READING AND REVIEWING. Please keep the reviews up, because I love seeing that you guys are still around, and love you to death. Kisses, hugs, and cookies. --Meha.


	4. Behind Closed Doors

Hey guys. Meha here. My computer was in the shop getting fixed FOR GOOD. So I'll be updating alot more now, and well...here ya go. Latest installment. Love ya lots, and read to the very end for the shoutouts. Ta-ta. Love and cookies, Meha.

* * *

Sirius stood in front of the shack's ajar door, wondering. She had to have gone in there, he rationalized. Question being: was she _still_ in there? Well, better find out. He pushed the door open wider, and peeked in before entering. No one.

The cobwebs—magically placed there to ward off anyone who somehow found the courage to make it past the door—had been pushed away, and its silky threads fell across the half-termite eaten wooden wall.  
He didn't bother calling her name in case someone was around. Sirius didn't need "them" (whoever 'them' was) knowing he was here. Looking ahead down the hall, though it was dark, he could swear there were two different sets of shoeprints in the floor's inch-thick settled dust. What the hell did she get herself into? Sirius thought. Dammit, Lin, where are you? He walked slowly down the hall, carefully stepping so that his shoes didn't make the slightest sound, and the creaky wooden floors didn't give him away.

--_Craaaccckkk_! Too late.

He looked down. In the dim, straining his eyes, he could just see his foot stepped over a dry twig, now snapped in half under his shoe. "Shit," he muttered under his breath.  
He opened the door to a wider room. The drabbest of rooms, with a torn cough where the stuffing was pushing through the slashes, a shattered window broken down the middle, and torn cutains with loose threads flying in the weak, but biting, chill. And there was a closet. One that his eyes would usually flicker over without a second's thought—it was so beaten down, it was a surprise the door st ill properly shut—if it hadn't been for a piece of unusually bright cloth sticking out of the door's hinge, caught between the nail and the wood.

"What the hell..." Sirius stood in front of the door, and reacehd for the knob. A breeze creeped through the cracked window, and a chill ran up his arm and down his spine.

And before he could turn the knob, the closet flew open what seemed like voluntarily. And hit--nay, _slammed_--his shoulder. Hard. "F—" Sirius's other hand flew to his shoulder. A shooting pain shocked him before he could develop a thought. But somewhere, behind the pain, in the back of his mind, he registered that someone was yelling. Not just yelling. Shreiking.

"Linda" Sirius whispered, peering into the blasted closet that had just smashed his shoulder. Linda was sitting in there, screaming her head off, not even noticing it was Sirius. "Lin. Lin," he tried to calm her down. But she just kept on wailing. "Lin. Linda. Shut up," he ordered firmly. She did. "Lin," Sirius, whose tone was incredulous, hardly believing that this always-calm-always-in-charge-of-herself-and-nerves girl was just screeching her lungs out, asked, "What are you doing in there?"

She let out a dry sob, and looked at him hard, while she was nearly shaking. "I heard someone behind me."

Sirius fought back a grin that tugged at the corner of his lips. "So you hid in a closet?"

Linda stepped out, closed the door. Poor thing, Sirius thought. "Is he gone?" she asked, latching onto his arm. Usually liking the feel of a girl on his arm, he couldn't help but wince in pain.

"Oh, it's nothing," he said by way of answering her worried and curious expression. "Just beaten down by a rogue closet door. And I don't know if he's gone or not, or if there was a 'he' to begin with."

Linda pulled at his sleeve. Sirius grabbed her hand to stop her. "There was. _There was_."

He could tell she was really shaken up, and he didn't know what to do, how to calm her down. Checking around the hall corners, he simply answered, "Well, whoever he is, I think he's gone."

Sirius'd turned back to Linda, and found her wandering around the room slowly, randomly yet hesitantly reaching out at things: the busted sofa, the torn curtains, the deep, agonizing, fingernailed scratches engraved in the wooden, blood-stained floors. It was obvious she realized what this place was, who it was for. She looked stricken, as if the hidden part of her disbelief had been extinguished. Sirius decided it was time for them to leave.

He wrapped his good arm around her shoulders comfortingly. "Fancy getting out of here?" But just as they made their way towards the front door, it flew open, and a dark figure stood in the doorway, seemingly leering at them.

Linda screamed.  
Then Sirius screamed.  
And Remus jumped back. Wait...Remus?

"You—bloody—wanker," Sirius bit at him, when he realized it was Remus who stood at the doorway. "What the hell are you smoking? You don't just come out at people like that."

Remus's breath was ragged. "And on nights like this, you just don't disappear on people. I turned around and you were gone. Where the hell did you go?"

Sirius, narrowing his eyes, replied, "Oh, just to the pub to get a mug of butterbeer, you prat. Where do you think I went?"

Ignoring him, Remus turned toLinda, standing beside Sirius. She still looked a tad shaken up, but was quickly composing herself. "Are you alright?" he asked, more gently, taking a step closer.

She nodded. "I'm fine."  
"You scared me."  
"I know. Sorry."

"Well," Sirius interrupted, assuming his charming tone again. "This is all lovely, and I hate to interrupt this lovefest, but I'm bloody cold, and itching for something warmer than my frozen-damp clothes. Let's get a bloody move on, eh? And let's use the 'back door' because I'm not going back out there," he gestured towards the night outside.

Remus knew by 'back door,' that he meant the secret passage underground, whose door could be found in one of the back rooms of the shack. "Yeah, we really should be getting back." They left.

He waited until he was sure they were all gone before coming out of the adjacent room. He hadn't expected the other two to come, having planned on only her being there. He'd have to wait for another time, when they could be alone.

* * *

**That's right. It's time for the Authoress to give her shout-outs:**

**Kelly**—LoL, I leave those evil cliffies for you. LoL, And I'm so diggin' this SRD business. SCD, SRD, Voldy, etc (Whose the "etc.?" You'll just have to wait and find out...). The villians of this fic are so recognized by you. LoL.

**Sam**—I know, it's different at , one link for the story, another for the reveiws. A lot more organized. Woot, woot.

**April**—Meharamashamayewmoohoomoo? Is that your idea of a Feeney call? LoL. Thanks for the reply, darlin'. Always funny to read your comments. And don't worry, I'll keep your Englishman lookin' just fine.

**Shell**—I wanted to comment on your new word. Well it's new to me. "Spiratic?" Awesome. I'm gonna start saying that! LoooL.

**Kaitlyn**—Holler, wassu? LoL, you called Lily an "assclown." Hah. I'm gonna start saying that, too. ::High fives K:: Just because we rock. With an 'awk' as you say. LoL.

**Lyr942**—Don't worry, I'm posting a lot more now! Thanks for bumping.

**Keeks**—Hey there, Sweetie. I like how you caught that "yet"-ness about Sirius's situation concerning Mel. ::winks:: More to come.

**Vick**—Of course I didn't think you were going to abandon me. You rock too much, and I'm so glad you're here! ::hugs::

**Kristen**--::smacks upside head:: You wallflower, Why are you hiding from me? I don't see you nearly enough. I-M me if you're ever on AIM. (Same goes for EVERYONE) I'm ahem605 on AIM.

**Megz**—Woot, you're here. STAY here. We have loads more to go. And I so understand about evil internet problems. ::Glares at own comp:: BELIEVE me. I know.

**Amanda**---Eeeeeeeee! I'm still so happy you're here. I missed you so much. And I LOVED reading all your comments, they made my DAY. And LooooL! to the whole "Sirius, can I have your babies?" bit. LoL.

**MISSERS**—No more cookies? That's not even funny, Missy. I'm serious. ::Folds arms:: You shouldn't joke about that. ::lip quivers:: I'm okay, I'm okay. And YES, you are my freaky darling. I still love you!

**Riss**—I love reading your comments. And trust me, I am working hard on trying to make Sirius hotter for future chapters. ::wink, wink::

**Pia**—Hey there! Stick around, I wanna talk to you. Glad you're here, and thanks for the reply. LoL, you noticed that Sirius drying his hair thing? Yeah. I love when guys do that.

**Laurel**—Holler! Cookies? Why THANK YOU VERY MUCH! And for that, I'll share them with you. ::offers:: ::They both sit around munching on cookies:: ::Meha offers a drink:: Got milk?

Thanks to EVERYONE for reviewing, honestly it means the world to me when you do, and I love reading the comments. ::Kisses:: Mwa!

-Meha


	5. Breaking up is Hard to Do

Read to the very bottom. Love you lots. --Meha

_"You and Me...we used to be together. Every day together. Always. I really feel, that I'm losing my best friend. I can't believe this could be the end." No Doubt's "Don't Speak."

* * *

_

And so it was over. Just like that.

**__**

**_Earlier that day_**...

"You can't be mad at me." Linda just didn't understand why Lily wouldn't look at her, why her cousin—her best friend—kept fidgeting around in the drawers of the redwood desk, and why she kept her head down, never glancing up. She'd been like this all day. She was fine this morning, when the mail came. Lily'd gotten a letter from home, Linda from friends in Paris. And right after breakfast, just like that, Lily was distant and trying to occupy her hand with something, keep herself busy.

Come to think of it, she'd been like this for a while. Distant, preoccupied, distracted. Maybe even sad. Linda wasn't sure.

"No, Lin," Lily replied in a distracted voice, "I am not mad at you. I'm just...annoyed, I guess."

Linda could feel her facial expression turn to surprise and wondered if she looked as shocked as she felt. "At me?"

Lily sniffed. "And other things."

Well, Lily had some nerve being annoyed at her. Just last night, she was hiding in a closet for most of the night with a probably potential killer skulking around outside. She hadn't even a chance to do something wrong. What reason could Lily possibly have to be miffed at her?

"Oh, yeah. Like what?" Linda challenged. Lily was still shuffling around the desk. "Lil, stop it. Look at me," she demanded. "What's going on? Sit, stand still, do something other than fidget, please." Now Linda was the one who was annoyed.

Lily stood still for the slightest moment before shuffling through the desk again. But that moment was long enough for Linda to notice that her cousin was shaking, trembling. "Lily, come here. Sit by me, please." Linda wanted to know what was going on. Lily wasn't easily shaken up. And right now, she looked downright out of her skin.

Her red hair stuck to her face from the tears. Tears? Linda could hardly tell before she had been crying, but upclose, how Lily was sitting near her now, it was all too obvious. "I was mad at you because you weren't here. I needed you to be here."

Linda was flabbergasted, and had an unexplainable guilty twinge. "I-I'm sorry."

Lily scoffed, wiping her hair roughly away from her face. "Don't apologize. Just be here. I-It's all getting so hard. Too hard. And I just got in another fight with—So much has been going on lately and I...I've had no one to talk to about this." Her voice broke. 

"Talk to about what?"

Lily was holding several crumpled letters in her hand, including the latest one from this morning. The edges were wet—from Lily's tears?—and they looked like they'd been crumpled and smoothed out, crumpled and smoothed out, over and over again.

"Lily, tell me. Talk about what?" Linda urged. But Lily's tears just flowed faster, pouring down her puffed cheeks. Her eyes were stained red under the pool of brimming tears, and she looked so tired. She opened her mouth to talk, but only gasps came out. Linda was near freaking out.

Finally, Lily managed out a word. "Read." She pushed the letters into Linda's lap, as she tried to mop up her tears with the edge of her black shirt.

Blindly, Linda opened one of the letters. She read it. She opened the other letters and read those, too. By the end of the second letter, even her own hands were shaking.

"Oh my God, Lily," she whispered, feeling all sorts of guilt, every inch of sorrow for her best friend. "I am so sorry." Wrapping her arms around Lily, she couldn't think of another word to say. Perhaps there weren't any to left to say.

-------

The boys' dorm was practically empty. The room, for the first time in ages, was relatively clean, everything in its proper place, except for a few trifle items strewn in remote places; a jacket on the back of a chair, a two-way mirrow sitting on the trunk. And there was James. Lying on his bed, back against the headboard. Her picture was in his lap, and he was stroking it absentmindedly. He'd been staring at it for hours, thinking, planning. In his other hand, he was holding her necklace. The one she'd given him ages ago.

In the picture, she was smiling down at him, her face lit up. Lily was standing behind him, her arms wrapped around his neck, her cheek gently touching his. His hands were on hers, and looking at the picture, James missed her. The Lily who used to laugh so easily, the Lily who made his day.

But he had to forget that. Now, all he could remember was what she'd said when he confronted her. She wouldn't speak to him, she hadn't come to him in days, weeks maybe. He missed her. So finally, James asked her what was going on.

"What do you mean, 'what's going on?'" she'd repeated. "James, I don't have time for this, I need to write—"

"Well, make time, Evans," he retorted. She hadn't had any time for too long. Now he wanted to know. Had he done something wrong?

"James, please. I'm busy."

Busy? With what? They took mostly the same classes, and he was Head boy, just like she was head girl. What could she possibly have that was so much more of a load than his?

"Lily, please. I'm begging you," he pleaded. "For the past two weeks or so, you've been growing farther and farther away from me. And at first I thought I was just being paranoid. But now others have begun to notice it. Sirius, Remus, even Amelia and Linda. We're all worried about you."

"I don't need anyone to worry about me, James," she defended, not wanting to be treated like a fragile thing that needed to be looked after. "I'm fine. In fact," she took a deep breath, "I'd like some space. Some time to myself."

What she saying what he thought she was saying? "Just what does that mean?"

Lily for the first time looked him in the eyes. She hadn't been before. Before she'd been shifting her gaze in every direction but his. "Exactly what I said. I really need some time. You take up so much of it, and I need to be...I dunno. I don't know what I want. I just want to be alone for a while. And there's a lot going on, that I need to sort out, and I need to figure out what it means." At this point, he could've sworn she was fighting back tears. "And you can't be a part of that."

What the bloody hell was going on? Where was all of this coming from? Before she'd just been distant, now they were breaking up? Was that even what they were doing?

James had taken a minute to find his tongue, not believing he was even in this situation with Lily. His Lily. "Lil, why are you saying this? Just be honest with me." 

Lily stood up and he stood up as well, meeting her gaze. "I received a letter from my parents today. The third one I've gotten this month. My parents are getting a divorce. Is that honest enough for you?"

She walked away from him. James couldn't believe it. Any of it. He sat down, and stood up and sat down again. Not sure. But he had to forget that now. He put the happy picture of his ex under his bed. The necklace in a drawer in his nightstand, mixed up with other trifles. 

And so it was over. Just like that.

* * *

**I'd like to express my thanks and shoutouts to the following people**:

**Cpsoccergrl**—Oooh, you'll find that out later. I think I'm going to keep you guys on a cliffy there for a little while longer. ::Evil laugh::

**Amanda**—it's not even funny how much I look forward to your mile-long replies. Seriously, just so wonderful to read. And do NOT guess what's coming next you vixen, or you'll guess right and then I'll have to go change the plot so that everyone doesn't catch on. LoL, love ya lots.

**Kaitlyn**--::laughs:: You dork. You WOULD laugh when Sirius screamed. LoL. And to find out what "f-head" is after Linda, you'll have to stay tuned a bit longer. ::keeps up the evil laughter bit::

**Sam**—Aw, you doll. You're the sweetest, always bringing up my ego more than is good for it. LoL.

**BlackVanilla**—Sneaky Guy. LoL. I love how we just come up with random labels for this guy. Poor thing, I shouldn't even really give him a name now. It'd just be redundant. LoL.

**Laurel**—Hm. You could be getting warm, or cold with that guess. But My lips are sealed tight, baby. ::Hugs::

**Pia**—you rock more. And keep on dancin' that dance of yours. Tis getting' really good. LoL.

**Kelly**—do you know how much it makes my day when you say FRACKY? Just thought I'd let you know. LoL. ::hugs:: :Bribes with cookies:: And I miss talking to you more frequently too! Be online. I'll find you.

**Keeks**—LoL, to your post. I have a Q: I momentarily forgot where you're from. Where is it again? It's bugging me, and I just can't remember. And I'd like your sn because I'm dying to chat with you.

**Missy**—A tub of milk and cookies! REALLY???? ::Can't believe it's Christmas already:: I love you! I knew you'd never let me down. ::Hugs::

Thanks to everyone for replying. You all really do make my day, no joke. Love to all. **--Meha**


	6. Something's Gotta Give

Sorry I'm late with this postage. I had a bit of the "block" and was threatened to make my posts longer (Wink wink, Amanda). So...Try not to throw too many tomatos. Kisses. Love ya lots. --Aurora.

_"she knew inside a heart is a complicated thing  
you cannot treat it like a baby  
you cannot treat it like a king  
what in the hell do you treat it like  
defeated like you see it like you don't understand."_ –Megan Slankard

**Three days later.**

* * *

Linda poured the liquid into the flask. _Slowly...slowly..._

"Linda."

She jumped at the unexpected voice, the interruption causing her to pour far too much scarab beetle juice into the Exploding Fluid. "Uh...oh—"

Whoever it was that had spoken had instantly put a protective arm over Linda and they both ducked as fast they possibly could underneath the table. That's when the potion exploded. She could hear it, even though she'd clasped her hands tightly over her hears. Finally, Linda, and whoever had pulled her under, emerged into a smoky fog, the aftermath of the explosion.

The Potions professor was storming her way. Aw jeez. She closed her eyes. How humiliating.

"Thirty points from Gryffindor, Ms. Linley. Perhaps you can remember for next time," he drawled, in a voice loud enough for the whole class to hear, loud enough for Linda to turn pink, "that Potions is a precise science and not an area that has any room for your carelessness. Clean this mess up." The professor walked away, his back turned to her, so that he didn't get the chance to see the curse she mouthed at him.

She turned to the table, which was a mess, and winced. Shit, what had happened? Linda looked for a rag or something to mop the fizzing up. But what she would do about that blasted hole in the table...there probably wasn't a sponge big enough to fix that.

"Wow, er—Linda, I'm really sorry," said the voice again, the one who had interrupted her. She nearly forgot about that. It was a guy's voice, coming from behind her. She glanced back to face him.

"Oh. Thaniel. Hi," Linda smiled weakly. Thaniel was also a seventh year Gryffindor, and was in three of Linda's classes, but Potions was not one of them. He looked sincerely sorry, which calmed her anger at him, and at an attempt at lightness, she said, "Don't worry about it. The professor hates me anyway, so no love lost."

He smiled, showing his perfect white teeth, and brushed his dark hair out of his eyes. "Well, I can't imagine him, or anyone actually, hating anything about you."

"Thanks," Linda said, not just thanking him for the compliment. It had just occurred to her that he'd tried to protect her when the potion exploded, which was actually sweet. "So, what can I help you with? You don't take this class, y'know."

Thaniel smiled again, taking his hand out of his pocket and coming over to the table to help clean. "Yes, I know. I was actually going to ask you where Lily was. She promised to lend me her notes for the Charms midterm coming up, and explain them to me. I'm utterly lost in that class."

"Oh, I don't know about that, Thaniel. You're not completely without charm," Linda innocently flirted. And he smiled again. Damn, that was one nice smile. "And Lily...I think she's writing a letter, but I can tell her you're looking for her. I'm going back to the tower after this class, as it is."

He thanked her, and with another one of those flashing smiles, he went to the Library, where he told Linda to tell Lily he'd be in case she decided she had time to swing by to study.

Linda sighed, tucked back a lock of golden brown hair behind her ear, and looked at the still only half-cleaned up mess of sorts on the tabletop. She was about to restart her potion, and then quickly abandoned the attempt. Ah, screw it, she thought.

---------------------

_It's getting too hard to work through, darling._

That one line kept running over and over again in Lily's mind. How stupid her parents were. Nothing worth having was going to be easy to hold on to. They could have fought harder. They could try counseling again. They could've...but they wouldn't.

The first letter hadn't really mentioned anything that would've told Lily to worry about anything. Her mother and father had just mentioned that they were going out of town—to England's countryside, a sort of romantic getaway she supposed, for just the two of them.

It wasn't until the second letter she had realized the trip was an attempt to save their marriage. In that letter, her mother had dropped indirect hints that all were not well in camp. A cornicopia of emotions jumped off the page, ones Lily couldn't ignore. Her mother, Rose, had shown a bit of bitterness (she'd written, "and the house is so empty without you home, and Petunia away at university, and your father out more often now, and later than usual without telling me, but that's besides the point..."). Her mother had suggested that they were growing apart ("All's great here at home. I think your father is on his way to getting promoted at the firm, though I wouldn't know for sure, he hardly tells me anything anymore...").

And the third letter was the clincher. Where everything fell apart. Her father had written this one, and tried to say everything as delicately as possible, Lily could tell. He'd said that though they tried to work on their marriage, tried...everything they could think of...it just wasn't meant to be. That they were growing apart, and growing as people. Though they still loved each other, they weren't _in _love with each other, not anymore. And though he and she might have grown apart now, they would never trade the lives they shared together for anything in the world.

The third letter had come in three days ago. And Lily had cried every night since.

She knew what she wanted more than anything in the world right now. She wanted James. She wanted him to hold her in his arms, to keep her safe and tell her everything was going to be alright. To kiss her hair like he did sometimes, and press her to his chest where she'd listen to the steady, strong beating of his heart. She wanted to be wrapped up in him where everything made sense, where she was safe, until they both fell asleep next to each other, and all her problems would be forced to wait until the morning.

But she couldn't have what she wanted.

Lily had broken up with James, a notion she herself wasn't quite sure she'd registered. Something had changed between them lately. She could no longer tell how he felt, not the way she used to. She was getting distracted, she was willing to admit, and he just seemed busy. Was this how 'growing apart' worked?

If it was, then Lily believed she was right to break up with James. She knew if they stayed together, they would just end up like her parents. Madly in love once, only to let the fire slowly blend into the shadows, then extinguished in the dark.

She convinced herself she wasn't in the right place at the moment to be in a relationship; being with someone was a lot of work, and took time and effort—two things she didn't have right now. Between her parents' doomed relationship, her falling-apart-family, schoolwork, midterms, tutoring, Head Girl duties (planning parties/dances, setting standards, etc.), friends, and Merlin knew what else...something just had to give. And she was sorry to say it, but it had to be James.

She needed him as a friend right now, not another obligation, another distraction. Not a the future reason of her broken heart. Lily was a mess of emotions right now, and didn't think she had any more to spare.

She felt it was the right thing to do. Focus on herself and her...life, for now at least. But that didn't help the fact that she still missed him.

She shook her head, her red hair falling out of its style, and framing her face. Enough stalling. She attached the letter she'd written to her parents to the white owl's leg.

---------------

The door opened, her cousin walked in. "Hey Lils," Linda greeted carefully. "How are you feeling?" She asked it like how a doctor would ask a four year old about her tummy ache.

Lily exhaled. "Lin, come on. No patronizing."

"Sorry."

"And I'll be fine. I just sent a letter home." Lily took a bite of red licorice, licorice she kept in a stash next to her bed.

Linda put her books on the desk, giving her Potions text an extra glare than usual, then turned to Lily. "You did? Yeesh. What'd you write?"

Lily took another bite of licorice. Did she want to talk about it right now? "I think I'm going to go to the Library to study," she changed the subject, deciding that No, she didn't want to talk about the letter or what she'd written.

Linda settled on her bed with it's purple satin-quilted comforter and three-foor brown teddy bear. "Oh, good thing you're going that way. I ran into Thaniel before; he mentioned something about you giving him notes for Charms. He's in the library, too."

Lily nodded her thanks, grabbed some notes and books, straightened herself up, and set out for the library.

-------------------

"Whatchya doin'?"

Linda was occupying the window seat in the Common Room, where she was reading Bram Stoker's _Dracula_. At the sound of the voice, she looked up, into a pair of rakish, mischievious, fathomless colored eyes.

"Hi, Sirius," she greeted with a smile. "Um, nothing. Just reading."

He sat across from her, and grabbed the book out of her hands to glance at the title. "Reading, Linney? And it's not even required material. Have I taught you nothing?"

Linda took back her book and tried to resume reading, which turned out to be an impossible feat with Sirius Black staring at you, obviously wanting to say something, and waiting for you to give him the chance. Linda gave in. "What?"

"I'm bored," he relaxed in the chair, leaning it back on its two hind legs. "Would you like to keep me company?" Sirius asked, coming off completely playful.

Linda raised her brow at him. "Where's everyone else?"

Sirius, rolling his sleeves halfway on his arms, replied, "I dunno. All busy. James is moping about, though I can't blame him. Poor guy's been like this for three days: wrinkled shirt, undone tie, messier hair than usual... And Remus is...well, y'know." He gestured out window. Linda looked out at the night sky, and the first thing she noticed was the full moon.

Linda put down her book. Sure, why not? She could read anytime. "What did you have in mind?"

Sirius leaned forward, all four legs of the chair back on the floor. "Oh, I'm sure we can find something fun to do."

-------------------

**Aurora's Final Thoughts...**

**Kaitlyn**—you can say whatever curses you'd like in the reviews. It actually makes it more amusing. ::Giggles:: I was laughing at your obsession over Sirius—he wasn't even in that batch of posts. LoooL. Luv ya.

**Keeks**—Canadian! Just like my Kaitlyn up there. The Land of blueberry farms, Anne of Green Gables, and Celine Dion. Wicked. LoL. And you never know, James may wear the necklace again. ::winks::

**Kirsten**—thanks for bumping/reviewing! Do I have your email? Sorry, I just kinda want every L2Ber's email, and wanted to make sure you're on the list.

**April**—I'd like to know what the whole Goldfish thing was about. LoL. Dork. Evil? Me? NEVER! ::Mwahahaha's echo in the background:: You'll be seeing more of James now, if my outline for the story pans out.

**Lyr942**—Pie!? Mmmmmmmm! Thanks! Oh, wait...I have to put them back together for the pie? ::Thinks:: I'll see what I can do. ::Really wants the pie::

**Pia**—Gasp! You kiss your mother with that mouth? LoooL. J/k. Nice to know you're not going to kill me over sad postage, that you actually like it. ::Hugs:: You rock.

**Sam**—Aw, I love you, too! ::Hugs::

**Kelly**—I will make it my life's mission to find a guy who will call you "His Kelly" at least once a day. Dammit. You hear me? It WILL happen for you. Love ya lots.

**Missers**—Hey! I would NEVER take away a cookie. LoL I can't believe you even "forgot" about the whole Sirius/Amelia thing because of the Breakup. That blew me away. Oh, and that's it! Be on line Wednesday night. It's been too long since I've talked to you, dammit.

**Megz**—Don't even worry about it, hun! Just as long as I see you even occasionally is good enough. Thanks for the review! ::Gives cookie::

**Amanda**—You. I tried so hard to make this postage long for you. FOUR pages on word, which probably isnt anything to most , but to me who only wrote a page for posts on the boards, four pages is blood, sweat and tears work. I couldn't sleep because I'm like "Gotta write more for Amanda, she'll find me if I don't." Well, hope you're HAPPY. LoL. Had me doin' word count and jazz. And I'm even making the next batch of posts longer, if I can. ::Gives cookie:: You push me, toots. Loved the sn.

**Vick**—LoL, you're freakouts are hilarious. Always have me laughing for many minutes. ::Hugs with cookies and milk:: You sweetheart, you.

Thanks for all who reviewed, or even to those you just read. Love all of you lots. ....Feeney.


	7. Sweet Fancies & Sharing Confidences

Hey guys. Read on. More Tuesday, probably (I swear on Dennis's grave--he's my dead goldfish that my neighbor boiled to death, but that's another story!--that I will have more posts on Tuesday/Wednesday).

Posted: Nov. 5th, 2004

* * *

Recap: _Sirius leaned forward, all four legs of the chair back on the floor. "Oh, I'm sure we can find something fun to do."_

**T**onight wasn't as chilly as before, when Sirius had been out here with Remus looking for Linda. But there was still a certain bite in the air of Hogsmeade, and Linda slid an arm through the crook of Sirius's elbow, keeping close for warmth.

"Do you mind coming back to the village?" Sirius asked cautiously, wondering if this was such a good idea after all. Linda might remember how she felt lost, cold, and alone, and maybe even being watched. "I mean, it was just the other night..."

"It's fine," she replied, smiling to reassure him, tugging on his arm. "I'm not alone this time."

Sirius grinned at her, brushing his fingers back through his chocolate brown hair.

"But whatever _fun_ you wanted to conjure up, did it _have _to be outside, in 20 degree weather?" Linda asked, her breath becoming whiter and whiter in the air in front of her. "It's freezing, and—"

"Well, then let's get to the Three Broomsticks, and you can get warmed up—" Sirius stopped walking and cut off his sentence. He looked up at a few gathered houses and seemed like he was watching something. "Blimey, is it Friday night already?" he asked, not really expecting an answer back, smiling more to himself than anyone, because of what seemed like an inside joke only he understood.

But Linda got curious. "What's so bloody funny, Sirius?"

"Come here," he pulled her forward to see what he saw. They were fairly close to the wizards' cottages, but far enough not to really be seen. They stood a few yards away, behind an oak tree, with hardly any leaves left.

Sirius's tone became a softer hush, which fit his voice perfectly. He pointed to two of the cottages in particular. "See the one on the right? Look through the window." Linda didn't get it, she didn't get it at all, and there was something sort of forbidden about looking into other people's windows, but she couldn't help it; Sirius made you face the dare. "There's an older wizard, in the bedroom, standing in front of the mirror. Do you see him?"

Linda saw him. He had a short dark beard with a bit of white, and was wearing dark purple robes. He looked about forty, or forty-five. He was...primping? Like he was getting ready to meet someone.

Linda nodded to answer Sirius's question. She nodded to him, "Is he going out on a date or something?"

Sirius smirked again, that half-smirk Linda recognized as his I-have-a-secret look. His inside joke. "Right. He wishes. Well, I suppose in a way he is." Sirius seemed to get comfortable, leaning against the tree, blowing on his hands to warm them up, and then held Linda's to keep hers warm. "See, every now and then, usually on Friday night for some reason, this old wizard gets fixed up, combs his hair back," when Sirius mentioned this, Linda noticed the wizard in his cottage actually _did _come his hair back, right on cue. "Then he'll straighten out his robes, and step out of his house."

And so the man did. Straighten his robes, gave one last look in the mirror, and stepped out of his cottage. It was like Sirius was telling the story first, and the wizard was the character who acted out the narrator's words.

Sirius continued confidently. "After he locks the door, like he's doing now, he's going to look around the front garden for a flower, like a daisy or something, but then he remembers it's winter." Linda watched, and when the man didn't find a flower, he took out his wand, and conjured up a crimson red rose, such a splash of color against the dark grey night and white shadowed snow.

Linda turned to Sirius, a quizzical expression on her face. "Who are the flowers for?"

"Keep watching," he answered. When Linda turned back, she saw the older wizard on the porch that neighbored his own cottage. He lifted his fist to knock on the door, and it seemed as if he did, but Linda strained her eyes and noticed that his hand never actually touched the door. "He wants to knock, but he's afraid, I suppose. I never understood why." Sirius pointed again, and Linda tried to follow. Where was this all leading? "The home he is _skulking_ in front of belongs to a prettyish older witch. He goes to see her, but never enters." Linda saw the older man fidget momentarily, and then leave, and rush back to the safety of his own house. Sirius laughed bitterly to himself. "He fancies her, you see."

"So what's the problem?" Linda asked, not fully understanding what just happened. He brought her out here to watch a guy _not _ask out his neighbor witch?

"He's agraid of getting hurt," Sirius answered simply.

"Maybe he will." He _probably _will, she wanted to ammend, but didn't. Linda felt on some level she could relate.

Sirius looked at her and then turned away. "Or not. See, look into the witch's cottage. Inside the bedroom window. Do you see her?"

Linda did, and she saw a woman in not overly pretty robes, but a bit too nice to be wearing just to lounge out at home. And her hair looked combed through neatly, it seemed like she was waiting for someone. The man next door?

"See. She fancies him, too," Sirius told her. Linda could tell out of the corner of her eye that Sirius was looking at her. She didn't look back, though. Neither said anything, and Linda wasn't sure if she felt happy for the wizard because his feelings were _not_ unrequited, or incredibly sad because if things went on like this, the lonely wizard and witch were destined to stay just that. Lonely.

Then somewhere in the back of her mind, she heard…howling.

Sirius suddenly (as if on cue) laughed playfully, breaking the silence. "Come on," he told her, grabbing her hand. "On to the pub, where it's nice and warm. You look absolutely frigid, my dear."

----------

Linda was downing her second butterbeer. It was sweet on her tongue, and warm down throat, and felt like a warm fire compared to the glacial cold outside.

"Try not to get too tipsy, Linley," Sirius joked, astonished at the rapidity with which she was drinking the butterbeers. "If you have enough of those, it really does give you a sort of buzz."

"Then keep 'em coming," Linda joked back. She hadn't felt this laid back and playful in a long time. So she smiled at Sirius, but was sure he couldn't really understand why.

"You should feel flattered, you know," he told her, sipping his own drink, rubbing his hands together. "I never even told James or Remus about that old witch and wizard."

Maybe she should've been surprised at this, but she really wasn't. It wasn't something guys shared. They might think the great Sirius Black was daft or something. "How did you come across them, anyway?"

He explained that it was just by chance, that sometimes on his frequent walks around the village, he'd stumble upon an old man who wanted to woo this old woman, but failing miserably. He must have gotten very interested, since he seemed to keep loose tabs on them.

"Well, I suppose now we share a secret," Linda mused. Sirius just shook his head, smiling inspite of himself.

------

The library was unbearably quiet. She couldn't take it. It felt fake to be here... studying. Studying? How could she study when she wanted nothing more than to throw a stack of books down, and if she had could, light them on fire. She wanted to scream. She wanted to see her parents. She wanted to slap her parents. She missed James. She wanted her best friend back.

She wanted it all to stop.

"Lily," Thaniel spoke tentively. "Are you alright?"

"Why do you ask?" Her voice was tight, but she couldn't help it.

"Because your face is turning red, like you're mad," Thaniel replied bluntly, pretending to keep his eyes on the notes in front of him, like this was the most casual of conversations. If Lily didn't know any better, it seemed like he was afraid of pissing her off even more. "You know, Lily, you don't have to help me study for Charms anymore tonight, if you don't want to. I mean, it is kind of getting a bit late."

Lily shook her head, feeling a bit guilty. "No," she shook her head, her fingers rubbing her temples, like she had a migraine. "It's ok. I can keep helping you. There's nothing I can do about what's bothering me anyway," she admitted.

He closed the thick text in front of him, and offered his full attention. "You want to talk about it?"

Um...perhaps not. Lily wasn't sure this was the kind of topic you spoke about with acquaintances. It hit pretty deep, she just talk about it, casually? "I dunno, Thaniel. Thank you, it's sweet to offer, but..."

"Come on," he smiled at her dazzlingly, and leaned back easily. "It'll make you feel better, I think. You can trust me, you know, Evans."

Lily was grateful, if not for anything else, for his words. "I know, Thaniel. But it's a pretty long story." Her parents' letters, the problems at home, the divorce, how she felt about it all, her family being torn apart now, the problems it raised... James. She wasn't ready to talk about _him._

"Well, I don't have any plans tonight," he replied, crossing his arms loosely over the closed book, and leaning forward. "So it doesn't look like I'm going anywhere."

And she didn't know how. She didn't know when, or even why, but she started to just...talk. Apparently she needed to vent. Lily hadn't even noticed how much she had needed to...she thought she was strong enough to keep it in. Be reserved. But here she was, telling this guy—someone she only sorta knew—everything.

Almost She couldn't tell him _everything. _She couldn't tell him—or anyone—about James.

* * *

**Holler ya'all. Aurora here, to give some shout-outs.**

**Sam**—Feeny. Fee-nay if you yell it. LoL. That's me. Didn't you ever watch Boy Meets World? TELL me you have!

**Keeks**—hey hey there. Wassup? Oh, you love Sirius? Hm, I never woulda guessed. LooL. And what do you mean by asking if you can have a cookie after breakfast? You can have a cookie any time. Even before you swim. That's right. BEFORE. ::Writes "How to be a Rebel" book, due out this January::

**Vick**—LoooooL, all good questions that will be answered in due time. So stick around. And Ooh, look, FRESHLY baked chocolate chip cookies. (And I'm not even just kidding, I really do have fresh baked c.c cookies by Nestle with me). Try one. Or seven.

**Kelly**—You watch the O.C too? Am I the only one on planet Earth who has never seen an ep? I really feel out of the loop. And YES, I admit, I was inspired by the Topanga story line, but there's a lot more going on in that camp, that's coming up. ::Kisses:: Mwa, love ya.

**Kirstin**—That's your email? Duly noted. Thanks, now it's in my "L2B crew" special contact list thinger. LoL. Congrats on getting accepted to your number one choice! But don't be so happy to go—college is great and all, but you always miss your highschool years, no matter how much you say you won't. Just remember to take loads of pictures! Those are memories, baby.

**Laurel**—Laurel, Laurel, Laurel. What kind of story would this be if all the couples were together, hunky-dorey? Well, maybe one day they will be, but until then, I want to screw with their heads a bit. LoL. But I'll take those bribes! ::Snatches cookies:: Love ya lots.

**Arabian** nights---thanks a lot for reading, I hope to see you around more.

**Baywalk234**—thank you, too, for reading! You guys are so great. Thanks for the review, doll.

**Megz**—LooooL! "No it does not have to be James, it could be...well not James!" LooL. That's how _we'd_ run our lives: give up everything else, but not that fine man of James. Woot, woot. LoL, love ya lots sweetie.

**Missers**—Well, nice long review! Love it. LoL. That was the funniest review. You were like...reading as you were reviewing. LoL. Hilarious. And you SWORE! Missy...I'm shocked. Actually, I'm not, I'm tickled pink. ::Slaps five:: We curse like pirates, and we're not ashamed! And don't worry, I want to write a lot of drama, just to keep you entertained. LoL. Call me. You know the number.

**Amanda**—Whoo! Aren't you a tad feisty? ::Nods:: Right on, sistah. Represent. Congrats on the new glasses—I love my glasses, too. Today I thought I lost them and was nearly at the verge of breaking down, but then I found them before the end. THANK GOD. I couldn't see for like...a full 20 minutes. But you don't care, LoL, moving on. Anywho! What's an ipod radio transmitter?

**April**—Nutella? What do you mean, you ran out—restock, honey! I keep Starburst. And sometimes Hershey's chocolate. Total comfort food. And that whole "Dr. Evil Meha" thing...Austin Powers reference, right? I was just joking about that movie today. When he's like "One billion...million...fafillion...shabidoobe...::gibberish::" LoooL. Love it.

**Rrunner22**—Thank you, darlin'! That's so sweet of you and I hope you see you around loads more. What's your name, and (only if you don't mind) your email/sn? I like to chat with everyone. Toodles.

Love you ALL lots, and keep on reviewing, I love to hear from you. Honestly, it makes my day.


	8. The Unexpected

**Ok. The story of Dennis—my boiled goldfish. We had a wonderful goldfish. I've had many before, and they all died quickly but Dennis was the only one who lasted for SIX MONTHS. He was a good, attentive fish.**

**That was until my neighbor Jenin came over. Letting her through the door was signing Dennis's death warrant.**

**So, she comes over to hang with my sister, and I had to leave to run an errand. I told my sister to remember to change Dennis's water. Apparently, the two of them needed an instruction manual in friggin' crayon to change water for a fish.**

**I come back to find that Dennis was BOILED. Jenin turned on HOT WATER, and let it run before filling Dennis's fishbowl. And then he died of the heat.**

**Seeing him...floating at the....Well, tears inevitably followed. And that's the story of Dennis.**

**Anywho, on to the posts.**

* * *

Lily stood in front of the Pink Lady's golden-framed portrait, feeling a bit better with...everything. Life still sucked for the moment, of course, but it helped to get most of what she was holding in off of her chest. She could never thank Thaniel enough for listening. Between her parents' divorce, her family's breaking apart, school duties, the Christmas ball (which she had yet to plan, but was a constant nagging thing-to-do in the back of her mind), and of course, breaking up with James—consequently, losing her best friend forever—she thought she was going to crumble. 

"Not to sound insensitive, Evans," Thaniel had said only an hour before, in the library, after Lily had vented about all that was bothering her (sans the losing-James part). "But your parents aren't the first to divorce."

"But that doesn't make—"

"Doesn't make it any less painful, I know," Thaniel finished for her, literally taking the words out of her mouth. His voice, though low (because it was still the library and Madame Pince's bad side was not one you wanted to be on), carried one of the most understanding of tones, one that Lily found most comforting at that moment. "For you, the end of the world has finally come. Your parents are like...your ultimate foundation. You always think you can depend on their being together. Or, most likely, you never even thought about it. You probably just subconsciously assumed they would just always be...Mum & Dad. Mr. and Mrs. And now it's like...someone splashed cold water on your face, stuck you in the gut on stage, and you don't know your line."

_Whoa._ Lily was at a loss for words, and could only nod at that point. He had...understood. So well. Maybe too well.

She swallowed, and tentively asked, "Are your parents divorced?"

"Separated." Thaniel smiled weakly, not his 100-watt smile she was growing used to. Like he was remembering a memory he'd wished he'd forgotten, but hadn't managed to. "At least they were for a while. A year. They're back together now, though," he looked down at the closed text, and opened it again. Eyes averted, he went on. "But I never forgot the day my dad packed. Or the first night I caught my younger sister just...staring at my dad's empty seat at the dinner table." He stopped.

Lily felt awful. She could tell Thaniel wasn't ready to go on, and waited until he was.

"So you see, Evans?" he finally asked, looking at up at her from across the study table. "Some people _do_ understand."

Well. She was _floored._

"You're lucky," said Lily, realizing it wasn't enough.

"How do you figure?"

"Because they got back together. Thank you, Thaniel. For listening...and giving me another perspective on things. And just...yeah," Lily tried to finish, but how do you thank someone for sharing what must have been a very painful experience, just to give some silly redhead a degree of comfort?

"Don't worry, Evans," Thaniel was _still_ thinking about her. "These things have their own ways of working out."

"Dragon scales," Lily spoke the password to the Pink Lady, and entered through the portrait hole in the wall. In the Common Room, she spotted Amelia, sitting on the couch, dressed to go out, but she didn't look like she was getting up any time soon. She just sat there, her hair taken down, and pouting.

"Hey Mel," Lily greeted as she passed. "Er, didn't you have a date with Reg?"

"Yes," Amelia sat up instead of slouching. "But he broke it, _last minute_. Said he had to meet with _some of the guys._ Who breaks a date last minute? Ass." She was obviously upset.

_**Somewhere else...Not too far away, but far enough.**_

"You're late, Black."

Regulus let go of his tight hold on his black coat wrapped around him, as he finished descending the steps down the underground hall. Candles were lit in every corner of the stone hall, far below ground. The grey stone looked bronze while cast in the light from the candles. The place was completely furnished, with every comfort and luxury, yet the mases that hung from the wall, and the dark black that colored almost all the furniture, with the dead spiders in the corners only added ferocity to the appearance of the room, despite the furniture.

"What of it, Luc?" Reg was in no mood to be here, and wasn't going to make a secret of it. What kind of last-minute meeting was this? Only he and Lucius were here.

"The Dark Lord wishes to speak to two of the leaders of his armies," Malfoy informed, sprawled on the couch lazily, taking a bite out of an apple from the bowl of fruit on the dusty yet beautifully decorated oak dining table. With his other hand, he brushed a strand of strikingly white-blonde hair from his face. "So, it'd be in your benefit to get your ass here on time."

Reg glared. _Damn_, the prat was fucking annoying. "His Lord isn't here, yet. I _am_ on time."

Lucius spit out the apple. "Lucky for you."

Reg and Lucius must have been glaring at each other pretty hard, since they had barely noticed the Dark Lord Voldemorte apparate only mere feet from where they were.

He stood six feet seven inches tall, at least. Or at least he seemed that way. Donned in black from head to toe, with a sort of I-can-kill-you-just-by-looking-at-you, he would scare any sane person who saw him. But right now, not Regulus Black.

"You wanted to see us?" Reg asked, crossing his arms, assuming a discontented expression. Even before he spoke, before he looked at his master, he knew he was being an ass. This was behavior Voldemorte could easily kill you for.

Voldemorte simply...circled him. Uh-oh. Reg's nerves were suddenly on end, and wished Voldemorte would kill him on the spot rather than endure his silent scrutiny, pacing around him, like a slow torture.

"Yes," the Dark Lord said, and stopped circling Reg. He stood in front of the two, Lucius now on his feet. "I did want to see the commanders of my armies. You are the ones who influence the others. They follow your lead. For what's to come, I—along with the entire mission—will assume you know this, and all that it implies."

Lucius answered for him as well as Reg. "We do."

"That having been said," his voice was like a low growl, even when he was content, and the only way you knew if he was angry was that the growl became louder, a sort of roar. "There is much to discuss. Starting," he looked to one of the young men. "With you."

Regulus flinched.

Linda and Sirius laughed the entire way back to the Tower.

"Thanks loads, Sirius," Linda said, still holding on to his arm. She'd been laughing so hard at his charm and antics, he had to reach out to steady her. "I haven't laughed so hard, or had so much fun, in a long time."

Sirius smiled attractively. She noticed that when he smiled, so did his dark eyes. What an odd thing to notice, Linda thought.

"Well, the company was one of the best _I_'ve had in a long time," he replied, "so thank _you_."

"Linda," a voice interrupted their bonding moment. Linda inwardly cursed whoever it was. "Hello. We need to talk. Now."

Linda's back was to him, as she faced Sirius. But she saw Sirius's face change to something unexplainable. She turned around to face whoever it was.

"You."

-------------

**Now the Authoress has got some words to say:**

**Kelli—Hey hey hey! Where'd you move to? And keep on reading. I've got loads I can't wait to post up. ::Wink wink::**

**Keeks—Hello? It's Sirius. He's VERY perceptive. Why? Because he's PERFECT. In my mind, at least. LoL. And reading this was the highlight of your day? ::Cries:: Reading your review was the highlight of MINE! ::Hugs::**

**Laurel—I do not envy you and your college applications. GET THEM OVER WITH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. You'll be a saner person for it. I hope you get into the college of your dreams, truly I do. Awww, this story was the only non-required reading? Well, ain't that just the sweetest? Take a cookie!**

**Apotterlover— Thank you for reading! Yeah, I'll be updating a bit more often now I think. Stick around. ::Offers baked goods as bribes::**

**Sam—LoL, maybe he does, maybe he doesn't! You'll just have to keep on reading to see.**

**Lyr942—LoL you think Linda and Sirius are just wrong together? Honey, I'm even thinking about writing a character named after me and sticking her in the story as a Sirius-love interest. Hello? A girl can do no better than Sirius Black. LoL color me obsessed.**

**Vick—thanks darlin! LoL, Sirius is never a psycho! Must I start taking away cookies? LoL, just kidding, I would NEVER! ::offers some:: Take some cheesecake while you're at it.**

**Kaitlyn—LoL, I love that you picked out like...the one line that I actually liked in the posts. That's SO what I want my future-man to do. Like, warm my hands or whatever...just be all considerate. ::Sniffs:: I'm all alone. Anywho, I love your word: blasé. All...french. Or something. LoL. Love you SO MUCH.**

**Amanda—Ah! You named it Bob! That's my fave joke-name and I name like...everything that! LoL. Anywho, I find the dumbest things funny. LoL. And no, I did not use that as a reference to the Little Mermaid. Honest to God, I wasn't even thinking about it until you pointed it out. But then again, Disney has raised me since I was a fetus, so you never know.**

**Megz—Read far above for the history of Dennis. LoL. Thanks for the compliment, it inflated my ego more than was good for it. LoL, LOVE YA GIRL. Do I have your sn? ....I've asked you this question before, haven't I?**

**Cpsoccergirl—anytime. I'm serious about the pictures thing. LoL, I've been taking pictures of TREES! To remember the Autumn of 2004. I've decided I'm clinically _insane. _And OF COURSE you're in the L2B crew! Love ya lots, baby.**

**Lacey--::Giggles:: No, you're not going crazy... But I don't wanna give anything away. Here's some chocolate cake.**

**Kelly—LoL! Three T's. You're so cute. That's it, I'm writing hot with 3 T's now. It'll be the Kelly-thing to do. LoL.**

**April—He didn't have to be staring at her, he could've just noticed. But hey, you never know. ::winks::**

**Love you guys so much, and hope you enjoyed this chapter. I think the ones a-coming will be better, though. So STICK AROUND. And if you can, please review. I love reading what you guys write, it makes my day like you wouldn't believe. Hugs and kisses, Aurora.**


	9. Rendezvous with the Slytherin

**Ok, this chapter is longer than my other ones. It's sorta eventful, sorta not. I dunno, depends on how you look at it, I guess. This is mainly about Linda. Probably because she's my favorite character, with her stubborness and curiousity (hard to love but quick to be heartbroken). I just think she rocks. Is it weird to like your own characters this much? Anywho, I'll have more up next week as usual. And my upcoming chapters are I think going tobe much more interesting. Atleast in myopinion. But what do I know, I still watch Saved by the Bell.**

**Love ya lots, you sexy things. Feeney.**

_

* * *

_

**Recap:**

_Sirius smiled attractively. She noticed that when he smiled, so did his dark eyes. What an odd thing to notice, Linda thought. _

"_Well, the company was one of the best I've had in a long time," he replied, "so thank you." _

"_Linda," a voice interrupted their bonding moment. Linda inwardly cursed whoever it was. "Hello. We need to talk. Now."_

_Linda's back was to him, as she faced Sirius. But she saw Sirius's face change to something unexplainable. She turned around to face whoever it was._

"_You."_

* * *

"Could I talk to you for a minute?"

Linda racked her brain, but could not for the life of her fathom what Regulus Black would want to talk to her about. They hardly ever spoke, even if he was her best friend's boyfriend. And she didn't really make a secret of the fact that she didn't trust him too much, being a Slytherin and all.

And there was that whole well-known fact that Sirius—who was, it seemed, a very good judge of character—didn't trust him, or like him, which also definitely worked _against_ the Slytherin.

"Sod off," Sirius pitched at Reg. Linda could just feel him tense behind her.

Reg shook his head ever-so-slightly. "I came here for a reason, and I'm not leaving until I talk to her," Reg was adament and, to Linda, it didn't look like he was leaving anytime soon, no matter how many threats Sirius delt. Didn't mean Sirius wasn't going to try.

"Reg," Linda finally said to him, still trying to think if she even _wanted _to talk to him. The night was going so well, she was having so much fun. Why couldn't it be left at that? "Could this wait until tomorrow?"

"No, it really can't." Maybe it was the sincerity of his voice, or the desperation in his eyes. Either way, Linda got curious.

"Alright, Reg," she consented, even though a part of her wanted to just 'Too bad' and go on to bed. But with Linda, her curiousity always got the best of her, and always would.

But Reg sort of stayed quiet, seemingly debating whether or not it was worth it anymore to talk.

"Well," Sirius urged. He was sorta leaning back, his arms folded across his chest expectantly. "Talk."

"It's private," said Reg, eyes hidden somehow.

Sirius didn't budge. Like hell he was going to leave another one of his friends alone with _him_.

The other tried again. "I'd like to talk to her _alone_."

Sirius, behind gritted teeth and dark eyes, replied, "The bleedin' hell you do."

"Sirius." Linda stopped and turned around to face him, lowering her voice. "It's alright. What's he going to do, put me under his arm and carry me to Hell and back?" She smiled at him, an attempt to ease the tension. "C'mon. Lighten up. Go on in, I'll meet you in the Common Room."

After Sirius had left them—and he did so _very_ reluctantly—Linda faced Reg. "So, er..." Alright, she wanted Sirius back. "What's going on?"

Now that she was looking right at him without having to worry about Sirius jumping on him (and, she inwardly admitted, she never really looked Reg in the eye as it was, so she never had a chance to note his details), she couldn't help but notice how...well, _tired_ he looked. Usually, he looked put together, neat and slick. Every part about him usually looked as it should be, every hair in its place.

Now he seemed _worn_, like he was hiding how much he wanted to lie down. Or fall.

"A-are you alright?" she asked tentatively, rubbing the back of her neck.

Reg stopped picking at the edging of his sweater and slowly straightened. "Something important is going to...it's going to be big." He stepped away suddenly and checked down the hall, Linda followed his eye. They were just a hall and a left turn from the Great Hall. Though there was no one around, Reg still touched her elbow, motioning her further down the corridor. "I-I'm in...well, a trouble of sorts, to er..to put it lightly."

Linda had never heard him sound so...flustered or stutter-y. It's like he was not only having trouble standing, but trouble stringing together a sentence.

"Are you sure you're alright? Want me to go get—"

"Listen, Linda. I-I need a favor from you, and it's—"

"Regulus," drawled a voice, dripping with slime. Severus Snape came out of nowhere and said, "I just—Oh." He had made a point here of noticing Linda. "Well, I'm not interrupting anything important," he scanned Linda's person (she fought the urge to blush and also the urge to slap him) and turned back to Regulus. "Or am I?"

Linda saw Reg stiffen. "J-Just...um," he subtly cleared his throat, and crispened his voice. "Just wondering what I should get Amelia for Christmas. Ran into Linda and thought she could help." Judging on how fast and dramatically his expression had changed when Snape showed up, Linda was willing to bet that Reg had _not_ come to her to ask advice on _shopping._

"Hm. How cozy," Snape smirked. Getting to the point, he went on. "Malfoy said he wanted to discuss something. With you. Said you'd know what he meant."

Reg, with his tightened fists and strong jaw, looked like he was ready to wring his mate's neck. Like he couldn't have come at a worse time. And had never looked more like Sirius. "Severus, give me like, _five minutes_—"

"He sounded urgent," Snape persisted, not letting up. Or giving Reg a choice. "Perhaps you should come with me now."

Regulus looked at Linda desperately. "Um...We can talk about this later?"

Linda nodded. She wasn't sure if she wanted to talk about it later, but damn that crazy curiousity.

"Right." Regulus began to turn away, but over his shoulder said, "Right. I-I'll talk to you sometime this week, then. Um, Night." With his head down, he walked with Snape, probably to the Slytherin Tower. She noticed that he walked almost...calculatingly. Like he meant every step. Was he in pain? Trying to move carefully so as to limit the hurt?

"I do think that's the most I've spoken to him...ever," Linda muttered to herself. She turned and headed to her own Gryffindor Tower.

-----

Turning his attention away from the fireplace, Sirius immediately looked up towards the entrance when Linda walked in. She saw that he was the only one in the Common Room (She supposed it _was_ rather late). His sleeves were rolled up to the elbow, and his leather jacket was now on the arm of the couch. "So," he said tightly, "what did his highness want? Learn anything interesting?"

Linda shifted her weight from one leg to the other. She shook her head, "Nothing much." Sirius raised his eyebrows disbelievingly. She knew she couldn't get by with just that. "Right. Ok, he just wanted advice on what to get Mel for Christmas," Linda explained, remembering Reg's own excuse to Severus.

-----

The next time Reg would try to talk to Linda would be the next morning. Before classes, during the fifteen minute break after breakfast.

-----

_**During breakfast.**_

"Morning," Linda and Sirius greeted the rest of the group as they joined the table together. They had just been going over their History of Magic homework together (meaning Sirius copied Linda's).

They sat beside each other and next to Peter, and Linda noticed that across from them, Amelia sat between Lily and James (Remus was still MIA). Lily was looking at her food, James was looking at Lily, and Amelia was looking at Linda, her eyes pleading for help. Had to be tough being _between_ the exes.

"So," Amelia said, obviously wanting desperately to lighten the 6-inch thick tension between The Exes. "Linda, you came in pretty late last night. Studying?"

Linda began to say No, but was afraid of explaining about the cute old couple Sirius had shown her. And that was a secret between the two. But she noticed, out of the corner of her eye, that Sirius winked at her. Holding back a smile, she just nodded her head, confirming that she was in the library. Sirius and Linda held back private smiles all throughout breakfast, to the annoyance of their friends, who just didn't get it.

Later, during breakfast, right in the middle of Linda, Sirius, Amelia, and Peter discussing what they were going to get their families for Christmas, James dropped his fork, stood up and muttered, "I'm going to class."

"But we've still got twenty minutes—" Sirius started to say. But James just left, not caring, with his bag slung over his slumped shoulders.

Lily swallowed maybe her second bite of food all morning and, shaking her head, (which was still looking down) announced, "I'm going, too." So without another word, she gathered her books under an arm and exited without meeting anyone's eye.

Once she had gone, Amelia looked like she had just let out a huge breath, easing into comfort.

"This may seem horribly insensitive," Amelia started, pulling her hair back from her face, "but I am so glad they're gone. Broke my heart to watch him watch her, and her ignore him. And whenever I tried to make group conversation, Lily kicked me under the table. If anything could forget my broken heart, it's my broken leg."

"What are your plans," Peter asked the group while stuffing his mouth with a helping of bacon, "for Winter holiday?"

"Going home," Linda answered, happier at the mere thought of seeing her parents.

Sirius turned full right. "And you'll be at the Potters' Christmas party, right?" Apparently it was the social event of every winter season, and she just _had_ to be there. When Linda confirmed that she was going, Sirius smiled and wrapped a friendly arm around her shoulders. "Fantastic. You can be my date." He announced, and gave her shoulder a squeeze.

Sirius didn't remove his arm.

"I can't wait til the holiday," Amelia sounded excited, "I've nearly studied for exams to the bone..." she went on. But soon, Linda felt a shiver down her spine as Sirius absentmindedly twirled her hair around his fingers. Unsure, she tried to stay still.

It seemed she was the only one who noticed. The others went on with their conversation as usual.

"...and if I have to open one more book, I just might cast it into the fire," Amelia finished. When they finished breakfast, and the Great Hall began to empty, the four Gryffindors rose to go to class.

Sirius's arm was still around her.

As they made their way closer to the entrance, Linda saw someone. Waiting for her. "Oh," she feinted. "I'm so stupid, I forgot my textbook at the Tower."

With a shrug, Sirius chivalrously offered to get it himself. "We've still got fifteen minutes before class anyway."

"No!" Linda knew she was too quick to stop him. "I'll get it. Really, it's fine. I'll meet you guys in class."

----

She faced Reg. They had found one of the only empty classrooms this morning so they can talk. Regulus had insisted on privacy.

He looked only slightly stronger today. He'd fixed his hair to be perfect again, and stood a little bit straighter. "Sorry about this. Randomly showing up and all. It's been hard finding a good time, when I'm sure everyone else is occupied."

Linda nodded like she understood, but really had no idea what he was talking about. "Sure it is."

Soon, it was obvious Reg didn't want to waste anytime. "Listen, like I told you yesterday. Something big is going to happen. I'm not sure when, or where, but it'll be _soon._ Do you understand?"

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Linda thought. Be kind, rewind and freeze. "Of course I don't."

"Just know that I'm in...trouble." He stopped speaking and in wide strides, walked to the class door, looked outside to make sure the coast was clear. He closed the door, satisfied. "Sorry. It's just that everytime I've tried to talk to you, we've gotten interrupted."

Linda tilted her head. "Every time? But it was just that one time, last night, that you've _ever_ tried..."

Reg stayed quiet, hands folded behind him.

_How_ did her life get so complicated?

She took three steps forward, thought better of it, and took four steps back. "It wasn't just that one time," she wanted to know, searching his face, "Was it?"

Maybe it was him. That night. Following her, scaring her senseless. But it couldn't be him. Why?

Reg leaned against the wall, dark grey eyes never looking at Linda. "I never meant to scare you," he stated simply. "That night in the Shack. I didn't even plan...I saw you walking towards it, and thought it the perfect opportunity. So I followed you in thinking, once noone could see us, I could talk to you."

_Only eight steps from the door._ "Why so secretive?" she challenged.

"Noone can...." He ran a hand through his oh-so-neat black hair. "It's dangerous. I mean, I can't even believe I've come to you myself. What could you do? Nothing really..." Reg paused, probably realizing he wasn't making sense.

"What's going on?"

"Alright," Reg said impatiently, more at himself than Linda. He wanted to get straight to the point, no more beating around the bush. "Before I go, I need to you, all of you, to kn—"

"Before you go where?" _Seven steps to the door._

Reg waved his hand to dismiss her question. "Amelia mentioned to me once that Lily used to get sick, right before something bad happened. Like that raid on the school during the Halloween feast."

She couldn't think of a time when she had been more confused, but answered him anyway. "Yes. She got headaches or something. Sometimes passed out, it was so painful. What does that have to do with anything?"

Reg finally looked at her. And he looked dead-pan serious. "I know why. What it means."

That's when Linda decided not to go to class. Not to go anywhere for now. Reg went on. He told her everything. What Lily Evans's "condition" meant, why she had it, what that meant for the rest of them.

When he seemed he was finished, Linda swallowed the knot in her throat. "So what the hell do you want me to do about it?"

"Tell Lily...to ignore it. Ignore all of it. If she feels a spell coming on, to fight it."

"She'll ask why," Linda pointed out.

"Make something up. You have to, because the more she's aware of _him,_ the—"

Linda put two and two together. "The more he's aware of her." She was terrified just thinking about it. She didn't even understand it all, not really. Butthe safest thing for all of them was for Him not to be aware of Lily, or any of them. "Why did you tell me all this, Regulus?" she asked, whisper-soft.

Now, he looked as tired and burnt as he had last night. "I don't know. Because someone needs to warn Evans before it's too late, if it isn't already. I knew I couldn't tell her straight off because it'll dumb-shock her, and if it didn't, then she'd ask way too many questions—considering her entire life is about to flip—questions I'm not prepared to answer."

Linda still didn't know how she got the short straw. "You could've told Mel."

Reg just shook his head. "If I told Amelia, it would break my heart." After taking a few breaths to steady himself he went on, "And the only other ones close enough to her to tell are bloody Sirius—who I don't trust with a broomstick, let alone _this_—and Potter and Lupin...they wouldn't even believe me if I did tell them."

"So why should I believe you?"

"You could always wait to find out," he shot back. "But by then it'll be too late. Then you'll wish you had listened." When she didn't answer this, he went on. "Tell them only what they need to know. You can fill in the blanks after I'm—" he tried to smile weakly. "You'll know when."

----

She went to her dorm, and didn't want to leave for the rest of the day. Linda couldn't believe how complicated life could get in mere moments. In the last twelve hours, Linda had a great time with Sirius, had a miserable time with his brother, _liked_ it when he twirled her hair, now held a secret for Reg, was somehow Sirius's date for James's Christmas party, just to name a few. She buried her face in her hands and pulled the covers over her head.. How had she gotten where she was?

* * *

**HoLLeR: **

**Kaitlyn**—you rawk my socks. Honestly, you rule. And yes, of course 'orgasms' will always be our inside joke. LoL.

**Lacey**—don't make the fish suffer because of someone else! HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM THE STORY OF DENNIS?! Want revenge? Key their car like a normal person! ::Hugs:: Love you anyway. Mwa.

**Keeks**—Hah. Old maids. I like to think of us as more a group o' bachelorettes. Heck yeah dawg. And I'll get on making a real-life Sirius Black. Just for you. ::Winks::

**Sam**—Aw, doll! Of COURSE you get cookies! This is L2B, where your dreams come true. Or at least, you get some cookies. LoL. I might be mean, but never cruel. ::Offers milk::

**Paddy**—Wow. Checking daily for updates. I'm absolutely floored. That's it, I'm sending a truckload of brownies over. Nothing says it better than 10 grams of fat. LoL.

**Kelly**—your head will explode? Hm, I wanna see this. ::Gets popcorn:: Just kidding! Y'know I love ya. And I want a Sirius for X-mas, too! I'll get you one if you get me one, eh?

**Amanda**--dodges projectiles Sadly, I do NOT watch the O.C. I'm too busy watching the WB, bro. And I don't like Mischa Barton, so I never got into that show. Don't hate me? And I wanna read your new story! OH, and on Word (doublespaced) this chapter is ELEVEN (count 'em, eleven!) pages without the shoutouts. I'm growing!

**Laurel**—Happy birthday to your mom (last week, sorry it's late!). Thanks for the icecream, woot woot! You have a prediction about where this story is headed? I-M me online at ahem605 on AIM. I wanna hear this.

**Lyr942**—Aw, thanks so much, that means a lot to me! Can you find the link to the pic you saw, I'd love to see it. ::Drools:: Ooh, Sirius.

**Pia**—Well, I guess this chapter answered your question. LoL.

**Kirsten**—thanks! Yeah, ok, lemme explain why I took the pics of the trees. They were UPCLOSE pics so that I could cut them up to be a border around like an "Autumnish" page of my scrap book. See? I'M NOT WEIRD. I was justified. ::Slaps self:: ...Or I'm weird.

**Vick**—Oooh! Cookies to snack on. ::Munching sounds come from closet:: I'll be out in a minute! ::Grabs cold glass o' milk::

**Kelli**—LoL, I'll take that bribe. Congrats again on the move. Hey you think that's weird? My friend moved DOWN THE SAME BLOCK. She just moved six houses down. LoL. And YOU. Be "open" to the unorthodox path that I might take with some of the couples in this story. Who knows, you might end up liking it. ::wink::

**Emeraldxeyes**—if you say so! I post every week, so don't worry if you think you're slow to catch up. I procrastinate to write, so it works out!

You guys RoCk. Keep on "Hollering back". Woot, woot.


	10. Falling Apart, Piece by Piece

This Lily and James story has been a little less Lily & James of late. So enjoy these posts, and bask in drama.

::Spreads fairy dust:: Love ya. --M.

**Updated**: 12/2/04.

* * *

_Page 239_. "**Sage **_is burned and observed by centaurs to refine the results of their stargazing._" Lily tried to focus on her Herbology text. The professor had been quoting from the page the entire class hour. Why couldn't Lily concentrate?

Well. She was kidding herself; she knew why.

She knew _exactly_ why she couldn't focus. And that reason came in the shape of a handsome, hazel-eyed boy with silver-framed glasses and a pained, reserved look on his face. His black hair was an absolute mess, but not sticking out as usual, his his Jamesish-way. He didn't even attempt to rumple it, like he always did to get that just-got-off-my-broom look. It was flatter, somehow.

James Potter's hair was _flat._

While this was nothing to alert the media about, Lily did find it irksome. And she could _feel_ his eyes burning a hole through the back of her red hair, and straight through the back of her scalp. And this wasn't the first time. He'd been doing it all week. Lily pretended not to notice, but she couldn't help it. It was a repetitive routine: James would glance at her in class, and just when she'd catch his tired eyes, he'd instantly turn away, focusing on some spot on the wall. She couldn't help that he was always around, and she wished his presence didn't fill her thoughts as much as it did.

She had to talk to him, she decided. Lily _wanted_ to talk to him. She wondered if that was a good idea. She wondered what she would say. She wondered if he wanted to even talk to her, and if it did, what would _he_ say?

Lily threw down her quill and crossed her arms. She'd been thinking about doing this ever since The Break-Up, but always convinced herself out of it. What _would_ she say? _I mean, I broke it off with him so fast, he didn't see what was coming,_ she thought._ My pathetic explanation (about how I needed space because my parents were splitting and I was getting busy) couldn't be it. The End. _They hadn't spoken in days, or a week and a half, she couldn't remember. Sure. She missed him. She glanced subtly over her shoulder.

_If only he'd stop looking at me! _she thought in vain, wanting to scream in the otherwise silent classroom.

That's it, she decided while a fellow student answered a posed question about grindylows or something_. I'm going to talk to him. I think he'll listen. It'll be good if we talk, for both of us, to really evaluate what's happened. It'll be good,_ she convinced herself, feeling a bit lighter._ We'll talk, we'll get everything out, and then we'll be James and Lily again, which is what I need right now. It'll be fine. Great._

Lily tried again to focus on whatever it was the professor was rambling on about, and looked down at the same sentence she was sure she'd read about eleven times by now. Page 239. _Sage __is burned and observed by centaurs…_

………

"You wanted to talk?" James asked with a hand buried in his jacket pocket, the other holding up the note Lily had passed him, asking him to meet her here, outside in the snow-covered Quidditch pitch. He had a scarf tied securely around his neck, and Lily suddenly wished she'd remember to wear hers. Instead, she just wore her sweater and cloak, and was fairly frigid, while James was smart enough to wear a warm jacket and looked quite snug.

In the last two classes, and while walking down the hall, and in the dormroom getting her coat, she thought over and over about what she wanted to say. About how, though her priorities were changing now and she had decided to end things between them, she didn't want them to become estranged, and still wanted him to be her James, her best friend. How, she didn't know it at first, but she needed his help, support…or just for him to be there for her, because sooner or later, Lily knew she was going to break.

She didn't remember any of that now as she faced him. Him and his expectant, I-just-want-to-get-out-of-here expression.

"Well?" James's breath came out white and now both hands were jammed in his pockets.

Lily swallowed, her dry cold lips threatening to crack and bleed. "I thought we could…talk." Duh. Obvious. But it seemed too late to ask _How are you?_ or exchange pleasantries. She paused to take a slow breath, then, "There are some unresolved—Well, I sort of thought that the way—The thing is, I mean…"

Seconds seemed like hours as she tried to think of the speech she'd rehearsed, talking with her hands. And James didn't interrupt, didn't finish any of her sentences like he would if this had been two or three weeks ago, didn't tell her he understood. James wasn't going to rescue her. He was going to let her squirm in her own guilt.

Finally, she got a hold of her thoughts and tongue. "I asked you to meet me because I think I owe you an explanation. A proper one."

Through her clothes, Lily could feel the cold sun, bright and harsh, yet not the slightest bit comforting in the blistering chill.

James scoffed, which nearly echoed in the bleak, white, and abandoned Quidditch pitch. "You don't owe me any explanation."

Lily went on in a rush. "It's not that I don't love you, it's just…it's completely complicated—"

"Lil," James used her name for the first time so far, "Don't. I said—"

"Everything is all screwed up." Lily paused to swallow the hard knot in her throat. "And I-I don't know how to handle the situation. If you—Try to see it from my point of view—"

"Stop it, Lily." James straightened, looking straight through her, Lily was sure. His expression was unreadable, especially for someone who could read him as well as Lily. But his cold voice gave it all away. He wasn't upset or angry.

He was boiling furious. "I'm not exactly in the best of spirits to be talking about why you broke my heart, or how 'you and I' are an absolute mess."

Lily knew he was enraged, but frankly, she didn't give a damn. She could flare just as hot a temper and wasn't about to back down now. "Then why did you agree to come see me? Why didn't you just let me wait here and freeze?"

James's livid expression slipped for a few seconds—long enough for Lily to notice—and kicked at the crunching snow beneath his feet. With obvious reluctance, he said, "Because I thought that maybe…you were ready to open up to somebody—open up to me—about everything. That you were finally going to let someone in. But now I see you're just making up half-ass excuses to ease your conscience."

"I'm not doing anything like—" Lily fleetingly stopped to pull herself together. "James. I just wanted to see if we could still be friends, that's all. Best friends, the way it used to be." Lily would _not_ show the tears fighting with her to show. She _wouldn't. _Her pride wouldn't allow it.

Looking up, behind half-blurred eyes, Lily could see that what she said wasn't what James wanted to hear.

He looked away from her, like he couldn't believe what he was going to say, but knew it had to be said. "No."

No?

He shook his head, and began to turn to leave. "I don't want to finish this conversation."

Lily grabbed his arm, and pulled him around to face her. "You are _not_ going to say something like that and not explain."

James's hazel eyes narrowed. "So it's alright for you, but not for me?"

Whoa, low blow. "James, that's not fair," Lily was trying so hard not to let her voice weaken audibly.

"Sorry," he said, not sounding too sorry at all. "But Lil, I don't want to be _just your friend._ It'd be half a lie. And…well, who wants the gift wrapping without the present, right?"

Lily was taken aback, her suspended breath getting whiter and heavier in the cold air. "Was that all our friendship was to you?"

"No, of course not. But that's how it'll be now. After we've gotten…close."

She turned to look all around her, half-expecting herself to wake up from his surreal dream, or a camera crew to pop out from behind the corner bleachers and yell _Gotcha_! _Don't cry. Don't cry, Lily._ "I can't believe you, James. Just when I need you. I really thought you were—"

He stepped up. "Don't even _think_ about spinning this on me, Lily. You left me, remember? Like I was just 'some guy.' No explanation, no anything. You don't look at me, you don't talk to me at all, you ignore everyone around you. Cut me off." James now took a step back, looked down, and for a moment he looked like he forgot he was outside, forgot that it was twenty degrees. His eyes returned to hers. "After all this time, now you come and decide to remember me. What am I supposed to say to that?"

She felt it. She felt her cheeks burn, and her nose prickle. _Don't you dare. Not here._ "I know, James," Lily pleaded. She knew now that she'd treated him badly, that her own problems were not an excuse to mistreat those around her. That's what she was trying to say, to make amends. "You're mad, I get it. You have the right to be. But I'm trying to make things right, James—"

"Because _now_ you feel guilty? You should."

Lily let out a frustrated groan. "Why can't you just understand? You have no idea what I'm going through—"

"Because you never talk about it!" he yelled at her, one of the only times Lily could remember James yelling at her. As friends, sure, they fought over everything, but now… He was mad, and had never yelled at her like that. "How am I going to even begin to understand _anything_ if you won't just talk to me?" James ran a hand through his hair. It seemed like it was hard for him to even talk about this. "Honestly Lils, if you needed space, time, help, support…hell, if you needed the bloody sun and moon, I would've given it to you. If that's what you needed. I wouldn't have thought twice, it would've been yours."

He reached for her hand, Lily was aware, but then he thought the better of it and kept his arms at his sides. "But not now. Cast me off and break my heart, and suddenly you want to come out and play?" He said the following words, obviously meaning each one. "Not good enough for me, Lilys. Not even close."

…

An hour later, Lily was still sitting on the cold, hard bleacher, her tear-stained cheek turning to frost, her cloak not nearly keeping her warm enough. Arms wrapped around her, she felt her broken heart beat stubbornly beneath her chest. What she wouldn't do for forgiveness, for comfort.

Her bottom lip was still quivering, as it had been for the past hour. But he wasn't sure anymore if it was from emotion, or chattering teeth. Frankly, it didn't matter. More tears stung her dry frozen eyes.

_Just cry, Lily. It's okay to fall apart sometimes._

_----_

**I'm not afraid of anything  
I just need to know that i can breathe  
I don't need much of anything  
But suddenly, suddenly **

I am small and the world is big  
All around me is fast moving  
Surrounded by so many things  
But suddenly, suddenly

_Chorus_  
How does it feel, to be different from me?  
Are we the same?  
How does it feel, to be different from me?  
Are we the same?  
How does it feel?

I'm young, and I am free  
But I get tired, and I get weak  
I get lost, and I can't sleep  
But suddenly, suddenly

_Chorus_

_Bridge_  
Would you comfort me  
Would you cry with me;

Ahh, ahh, ahh-ah  
ahh, ahh-ah  
ahh, ahh-ah  
ahh, ahh-ah  
Ahh, ahh, ahh-ah  
ahh, ahh-ah  
ahh, ahh-ah  
ahh, ahh-ah

I am small and the world is big  
But I'm not afraid of anything;

_Chorus x2_

_Ending (background)_  
How does it feel _x2_  
Different from me, different...  
(ahh, ahh, ahh-ah;  
ahh-ah,  
ahh-ah,  
ahh, ahh, ahh-ah;  
ahh-ah,  
ahh-ah)

---

She felt terrible, and forgotten. Alone and small.

* * *

**Holler. Shout-out time.**

**Sam**—You rock for replying first. And those virtual cookies and milk? Ah, forget about it. YOU CAN HAVE SOME ANYTIME. LooooL. Ain't I generous? LoL. Luv ya.

**Keeks**—Oh um…he's in the mail? LoL. And Remus can't kill Sirius for innocent flirting with Linda. Linda's not his anymore, and he has to accept that. (::Holds "Go Sirius!" sign up high::)

**Kaitlyn**—God, between you and me, and all the other girls 'round these parts, I can't tell who loves Sirius more! LoL. ….::whispers:: I'll fight you for him. ::giggles:: Love you lots, you hawt hawt Hen you. LoL.

**Kirsten**—no, I don't think they're that expensive. I bought a twenty dollar kit (which came with EVERYTHING), and got all my pics together. Oh! I'm going downtown tomorrow with my friends—and during christmas, it's soo nice!—and I'm bringing my camera. ::Giggles:: I love pictures. Anywho, thanks for replying darlin', and have fun sifting through pics.

**April**—"May all your Siriusly happy dreams come true!" DITTO, and I think it is so funny that "Siriusly" has become a verb with us. LoooL. Just hysterical to me. And you think you get excited when there's more chapters to read? I get sooo excited reading your replies, it's so not even funny. ::Hugs::

**Paddy**--::Holds breath:: ARE YOU SERIOUS??? You support the Sirius/Linda path I've taken? ::Holds Paddy close:: ::pulls Kaitlyn in too:: Thank you! That means…-wipes away tear- so much. LoL. MORE COOKIES FOR YOU!

**Laurel**—I saw you IM me, but you signed off before I could IM you back! I'm sorry, I was off making hot cocoa and didn't get a chance to put on my away message. Anywho, if you ever see me online again, IM me! I wanna talk to you. And he-ey! Sugar cookies? Rock on.

**Amanda**—Again. Love your story-replies. So amusing to read about Amanda's Life. Oh, and about the cheesey "Ooooooh"s when someone on Saved by the bell or something kisses. SERIOUSLY. What's up with that? Now, if he copped a feel, I can understand the Oooh-worthiness….LoL, j/k. Well, sorta. LoL. "Mischa Barton looks like a duck."—I so agree!!

**Lyr942**—Gr. Stupid I didn't get the link, it never showed. Can you email it to me? My email is in my profile. Thanks anyway, doll.

**Lacey**—LoooL, you're all predicting what's going to happen. But can't tell ya! You have to just wait and see. ::winks::

**Pia**—Aww thanks! And ::sigh:: breakups are just a part of fanfiction life. ::Nods:: But don't worry. You never know when things are going to pick up. ::Strolls along jauntily:: Tee hee.

**Kelly**—was your reply longer than it showed? Because it seemed like there was more or something. Maybe I'm wrong. Anywho. Your quote: Yeah you WOULD quote a Sirius line. LoooL. You cutie, you.

**Kelli**—Don't worry, things will be clear in no time. Well, maybe _some_ time.

**Missy**--::Hugs:: I miss you, I swear! Why do we keep 'just missing' each other?? LoL and you quoted the one line that _is_ so Me. The be kind, rewind thing. Oh, you know me so well, doll. And I'm so glad you support the S/L stuff. Not that anything's going to happen there, but it's good to know you don't hate it. LOVE YA. Hugs and kisses.

**Vick**—LoL, the "thing." Ever watch the Nanny? When Niles was always like 'I have to find out what the Thing is!" LoL, I dunno, it just reminded me of that. And don't bite your nails! I just got over my 17-year habit. My nails are growing now, and actually look semi-cute. ::Looks around:: Hey Sirius, check me out. ::Wiggles eyebrows:: LoL, IGNORE ME. I'm hyped up on coffee. So what's up??

**Meg**—LooooL, you funny chica. Yeah, that was the story of Dennis. And Marius? He's around here somewhere. I think with Missy or Kelly. Week got stressed huh? Sucks when that happens. Hope you're chilling and relaxing now, though! ::Offers basket of sweets::

**KATIE**—OMG, YOU'RE HERE! And I sooooo remember you, don't think you're forgotten! And Can you have a Sirius? Honey, you can have anything you want, I am that glad you're here. Stick around, and IM me at ahem605. What's your sn? We need to talk. Hugs and kisses, dahling.

**Love you guys so much, and I hope to update reaaallllyyy soon, because I've got lots to get done. Only thing is, I got exams this coming week or two, but hopefully I can get it all done. Love you again, and reply and say hi! Hugs, Meeeha.**


	11. Keeping Company & Making Dates

**Ok, these chapter might seem a bit half-ass, but my mind is warped, and I've got two more chapters to get in by Christmas, I think. Also, I've tried to touch base with each character/story line so far so as to give you a full view of what's going on presently. So this is what I've written, and reviews (critical and complimentary) are appreciated. Mwa! Love ya. ---Meha**

* * *

God? You listening?

James thought now was a good a time as any to pray. Pray for what, he didn't know. He wasn't sure about much. He just wanted things to be normal again. Whatever that meant. But it had to be better than this.

At this point in his thoughts, he was sure he wasn't making sense in the slightest. But hell. He'd pray anyway. For sanity, if anything.

James was walking about on the grounds, snow crunching underneath his feet, hands jammed classically in his pockets. Shoulders slumped, brooding. Head full of thoughts.

He wanted her in his life any way he could get her. But friends…?

Then, somewhere near the edges of his mind, he registered that someone was walking behind him. Wait. No, not someone. Something. Something running…trotting.

It was a dog's barking that cut through his thoughts, bringing him back to his surroundings. James didn't have to look. A rather large black dog was following behind him, smacking the snow-covered earth with his paws.

James noticed an uncanny twinkle in dog's moist eyes as it caught up with James, and fell into step beside him. Panting, he tried to get James's attention by brushing his right front paw against James's knee.

"Cut it out, Sirius," said James, grinning at Padfoot's antics in spite of himself.

In a flash, human Sirius formed next to him. "Sorry, mate," he apologized, slightly shaking the snow out of his dark hair. "Just trying to lighten you up." He brushed some scant snowflakes off of his coat's arm. "Winter is a messy season. So how'd it go with the lovely Miss Evans?" he asked casually, half-grinning. There was always a gleam in Sirius's eyes lately, and James couldn't quite place why.

"How'd you know I was going to meet her?" James inquired, lacking interest in his voice, but just asking all the same.

Black cocked an eyebrow. "I sit right next to you, prat. I could see the note she passed you. I can also see the number of times you doodle her name on the margins of your notes when you think noone's looking."

James gave him a Sod-Off look, but didn't bother voicing this thought. If he could speak to anyone about this, it was Sirius. Practically brothers, Sirius was never afraid to speak his mind to James, knowing it wouldn't strain their friendship. Friends usually tell you what you _want_ to hear, and James liked that Sirius was always honest, and would tell you what you _need_ to hear. "She wants to be friends. But I think that's asking too much."

Sirius looked pensive, watching his steps in the snow. "You think so?"

James did think so. "We were…we, I mean—we can't just go _backwards_." Just friends? It wasn't honest.

"Prongs," Sirius said, walking a bit slower, making a certain emphasis on his words. "You two were always friends. _Always._ Even when you hadn't spoken for six years." Sirius was referring to the years James and Lily had separated when she moved, and lost all contact. James caught his friend glance at his throat, where he was _not_ wearing the necklace Lily had given him. If Sirius was thinking along these lines, he didn't say anything about it. "And no matter what happens, you'll always be best friends."

"Then we were together. A couple," James argued.

But Sirius went on as if James hadn't spoken. "Then you were a couple. Best friends who went to the next level and became a couple." He shrugged. "And then you broke up. And stopped being a couple. Doesn't mean you stopped being friends."

Somewhere in there, James was sure he made sense. "I don't know how to be anymore."

"Way I see it, there's a certain redhead we all know and love who's going through a tough time right now and could use her best friend's help."

James kicked at the ground. "She could go to Linda or Amelia."

Sirius's hand twitched, and James took a bit of delight in the fact that it probably did because Sirius was fighting the urge to hit him. "Amelia is off frolicking with my ass of a '_brother_'"—and here Sirius even put his fingers into quote-action—"and Linda _is _there for her. But she doesn't understand the part of Lily that you do."

"But _why_? _She _left _me._ Why would she suddenly realize she needs me?" James's voice was mocking, but he didn't care. It just didn't make sense to him.

"Damn, James. She spends all her time being strong for everyone else, independent—she doesn't take anyone's help. But sooner or later, and I'm willing to bet sooner, she's going to break. James. Could you really stand by and _not_ care?"

Hey. When did this happen? Sirius making _sense_? But James had to admit, he'd been witness to Sirius's intuitive moments, where he made connections that—to anyone else—weren't there.

James sighed. Head still full of thoughts, shoulders feeling heavier, his neck muscles aching. "I need time to think."

"Clock's a-ticking, mate."

James smirked. "You know, mate. You are much more enjoyable to have around as a dog. Ever think of making the change permanent?"

Sirius shoved him playfully. "Well, aren't we touchy? Fine. I know when I'm not wanted." He seemed to think about what else he felt like doing. "Remus is back from his wolf-days in the Hospital Wing, and Madame Pomfrey already kicked me out of there." He added under his breath, but James still heart, "Maybe I'll just go and see what Linda's up to, then."

But James couldn't let it go. "You sure that's not code for 'Go check out what Linda's _wearing_?'"

Sirius grinned cheekily. "I _should_ be insulted."

He started back towards the castle. Leaving James with his full-of-bothered-thoughts head.

- - - - - -

Sirius had no sooner stepped into the Common Room when a fellow Gryffindor (named Timothy something, Sirius couldn't remember) approached him. "This letter came for you about twenty minutes ago. The owl is from Gringott's. It won't leave until you've come."

Sirius thanked Timothy-Something, gave him a sickle to pay the owl, and when he was left alone, got comfortable in a sofa-chair, and opened his letter.

His blank, chocolate eyes scanned the lines of the letter. "Well," he breathed. "I'll be damned."

- - - -

She hadn't moved for hours, and was so blissfully cut off from the world of drama and so comfortablely curled in her quaint four-poster bed with the covers over her head, she wasn't quite sure whether or not she was hungry. She hadn't had lunch, or dinner—which was being served at that moment—but was too busy hiding to think of food.

"Missed you in class," a male voice filled with laughter stirred her from her half-sleep. Linda's eyes opened wide and saw the brownest eyes looking back at her.

"Actually," he went on, "you were missed in _all_ your classes." Sirius tilted his head, with his hands resting beneath his chin. He was leaning on the bed, his face level with Linda's still-on-the-pillow one. "So what happened? I thought you were just coming back to grab a book, not a 5-hour nap."

Linda strained her mind. Why hadn't she gone to class, again? OH YEAH. Reg's speel, leading to her freaking out, leading to her migraine. Where was she—oh, her room. What was _Sirius_ doing in her room? Should she lie about why she ditched classes? How did he _get_ in here? I hope I don't have bad sleeping-breath. BED-HAIR???

She looked around, combed fingers through her hair, sat up straight, avoided his playful gaze, and intelligently said, "Uh…yeah," eventually adding, "But when I got here, I felt a bit dizzy. Thought I'd rest."

Linda eyes him suspiciously. The staircase to the Girls' Dorms were rigged with a spell to ward off any boys. At least that's what she'd heard. "How _did_ you get up here?"

Sirius sat back, chocolate pieces of his hair falling elegantly into his striking eyes. "Trust me when I say, if I want to get somewhere, no trick staircase of Dumbledore's is going to stop me."

Linda, bemused, smiled teasingly. "Well. Aren't you just full of surprises."

She got up and walked over to her vanity, looking forward. She could usually feel his gaze scanning her person, and therefore tried to avoid looking at him at all costs. He probably did that to any girl, she thought.

"So what are you doing here, Sirius?" Linda asked, properly combing out her hair in the mirror. "You didn't just get lost on your way to the Great Hall for dinner, did you?"

Sirius leaned back on her bed, his head resting back, arms folded across his slowly rising and falling chest. Linda felt a bit squirmish when he's sat there. His occupation of her bed was too intimate. Plus, it wasn't really made.

"Well," he sighed, "my Uncle Alphard died."

Linda whirled around, mid-brush. "Oh my God, Sirius, I'm so sorry." She was more than surprised at this statement, since just five minutes ago, he was smiling amiabley and being charming. Even now, there was a glimmer of playfullness in his eyes that never went away.

"Don't bother, honey," he assured her. "He was eighty-nine. Smoked like a chimney since he was fifteen, I'm surprised he lasted this long. Word is he had a heart attack. And after cussing up a storm, he kept on smoking his cigar." Sirius began to chuckle lightly to himself. "Yeah. Good ol' Uncle Alphie was one of a kind." He held up the letter the owl had brought (it'd brought two: this one, and the one from Gringott's). "He's left me everything," Sirius went on smiling, and began to read the letter in his hand. "'_Dear Nephew, Now you can tell them all where to stick their broomsticks. –Alphard.'_ Anyways, there's some business to take care of now, concerning his will. Family wants to contest it. So I'm leaving tonight. I'll make up my exams after the holiday, and I'll be gone a week or two at most."

_Wow_, Linda thought. _Drama. Not like we don't have enough of that on a day-to-day basis._ "That's so sad that he died, though," Linda persisted.

Sirius smiled so widely, all his white teeth showed. "Are you mad? He's probably telling the Devil to Sod off, to get a life and stop bugging everyone else's. Knowing Uncle Alphie, he's probably having the time of his life."

She smiled thinking of Sirius's description of his uncle Alphard, and how they just _had_ to be related, sharing that who-cares, too-stubborn-to-go-without-a-fight, always-having-fun quality. They were funny like that. "But why are you telling _me_ this?"

To Sirius, the answer seemed obvious. "Because I promised to take you James's family's party. And now there's a chance, just the slightest chance, I'll miss it."

"Damn, Sirius," Linda waved her hand at him, dismissing his comment. Who cared about a stupid party at a time like this? "Don't worry about me or some silly party. My God, go take care of your family, and go mourn your uncle for Heaven's sake."

Sirius smiled at her selfless irritation. He made up his mind. "You promised to go with me, and I promised to take you."

Linda took a deep breath to steady her patience. "Thanks Sirius, but really, don't go feeling you have to—"

He stood up off her bed and kissed her cheek. "Too late, I've made up my mind. See you there."

Sirius Black walked out as fast as he'd pecked her cheek, and she thought of how she wouldn't laugh with him until Christmas.

- - -

"So how will you be spending your Christmas?" Amelia asked Reg, sitting beside him at dinner, her free hand in his warm one. He gently stroked her fingers with his own beneath the table. The Great Hall was buzzing with chatter of Holiday plans. Regulus seemed the least excited about it, and for good reason.

"Probably at home, with the family. We don't really think much of Christmas," Reg answered, not interested in the subject. He went on eating.

Amelia jumped at the opportunity. "Well, since Christmas isn't celebrated at your home, why don't you come celebrate it at mine?"

Regulus dropped his fork. "You're inviting me," he said each word slowly, in a half-drawl, "to spend Christmas with your family?"

Amelia bit her bottom lip out of habit. "Sure. Unless you have other plans."

Shifting in his seat, Reg wanted to tighten his hold on her hand, but was afraid of getting her suspicious of something. Something. "I might. Have other plans."

And like he expected, Amelia didn't give up that easily. "What about Christmas Eve? James invited me to his family's big party, or something. You want to come with me?" But just as he was about to make up some excuse, she went on in a sort of sing-song voice, "If you don't come, I'll have to dance with all the other boys…"

He knew she was just teasing, but…Jeez, his life sucked as he thought of what was to come in just a matter of time. Weeks, really. "I'll try and see if I can make it. For you," he lifted her hand that he'd been holding in his own to his lips and kissed the back of it. "I'll try."

- - - -- - - -

Lily looked around the Hospital Wing. _Damn Thaniel for making me come_. She'd spent so long outside in the cold, where James had left her that, on her way back to the school, she was shivering, icicle-haired, shaking red hands, and blue-lipped.

Of all people, Thaniel had spotted her outside. He'd been talking to a group of guys when he'd seen her, and when he was about to say Hi, noticed her absolutely frigid state. When he'd commented on it, she'd sneezed in response. Thus, he forefully escorted her to Madame Pomfrey's office to see what could be done with her.

_I guess I'll have to thank him late for caring, _Lily thought. _But I can still be annoyed with him now._

Thaniel was gone now; Pomfrey had shooed him away from her patients since some were still sleeping and he was making enough noise asking Lily if she was alright, and if she needed anything.

Pomfrey had done two different tests on her before realizing Lily just had a case of chills. "Just take this herbal potion, and it'll warm and strengthen every bit of you, warding off any sort of flu. Go on, take it," she shoved the unappetizing drink at Lily. It was some sort of hot tea, Lily thought. And it was purple. But Pomfrey was right, Lily realized when she'd finally gathered courage to take a few sips. It did work wonders.

She sat back on the hospital cot, and looked around the Wing before leaving back to her dormitory.

Someone to her left coughed. "Hey Lils."

Lily smiled at Remus, glad someone was here with her. He was somewhat scratched and scarred. But still held that inner strength he always seemed to save for occassions like this. "Well, don't we make a fine pair."

"We sure do," he smiled back weakly. Pieces of his sandy-brown hair was covering his blue eyes, and he began to push them away clumsily. He looked so tired.

"I'll leave you alone," Lily said softly. "You need to rest."

Remus started to sit up, but thought the better of it, and stayed lying on his back. "Bet you're wondering why I'm here."

Lily had suspicions, but this just confirmed it. "Oddly enough, I'm not."

"Really?"

Lily got up off her cot, and sat in a chair next to Remus's bed. "Doesn't take a genius to figure it out. Remus Lupin. Missing for three days. Three days each month. Three days that just so happen to be around the full moon…" she smiled cheekily at him. "Not to mention the bite mark on your hand." She lifted his right hand to show her point. "Looks like some kind of dog bite, doesn't it?"

Remus squeezed her hand that had picked up his own. "How long have you known, you sly little witch?"

"I didn't. I guessed. Seemed a tad far-fetched, but not anymore." Lily squeezed his hand back. She didn't find it odd or shocking. Remus's secret. Weirder things had happened in her life, she thought.

For some reason, though, Remus's eyes were cast down. "Lily," he started, "I know you aren't the type to gossip, and that I can trust you, but I have to ask you to keep this—"

Lily cut him off. "Hey, it dies with me." Remus and her had been instant friends the moment they met, but this seemed to bond them.

Remus's stormy blues gazed at the ceiling. "I just want to keep any sort of normalcy I can get. As much as a werewolf _can _get, I mean." He laughed softly, any harder and it would've hurt. "Some fantasy, huh?"

Lily smiled kindly at him, brushing the hair from his face. "Are you kidding?" she joked. "Fantasies were made for fools like you and me."

For the rest of the evening, Lily kept vigil over Remus, since his other friends couldn't be here to keep him company. Two seemingly alone people being alone together.

* * *

**Author's note: I am sorry to say that I'vegot no time for shoutouts (and it's my fave part to write!), since I've got an exam in just eight hours and I need to go sleep. But I'll be posting again I hope in exactly one week and I'll write all my individual shoutouts to you then.**

**P.s. No, I am not putting Remus and Lily together. My beta asked me that before I posted this and just so you know, NO. They're just friends. **

**LOVE YOU MORE THAN COOKIES (and that's saying a lot!) ---Meha**


	12. Love me forever, will you, Rose?

**Hello my beloved readers. Tis your Authoress with postage. Just so you know, I had _meant_ to get a chapter in before this, but it didn't work out, so I was forced to synthesize both chapters. Then I wanted to post this one X-mas but I kept tweaking it and stuff. So if it feels like I'm jumping around, I am. And if it doesn't, good! I've been working hard on this chapter for awhile, so…yeah. Enjoy. (and read til the end for much-overdue shoutouts/responses. There's lots of them).**

**Last update**: 12/12/04

**This chapter posted**: 12/29/04

**_Last time on L2B:_ _James and Lily are still on the outs—she burned him, and he is reluctant to accept her forgiveness. He concludes to himself he wants to be in some sort of relationship with her—even if that means being just friends—but doesn't know if he can or think its possible. Lily needs James as a friend rather than a boyfriend right now because things are complicated enough as it is. Sirius is elsewhere, fighting off viscious money-grubbing family members out to contest his late Uncle Alphard's will (which left everything to Sirius), but promised Linda he wouldn't leave her alone on a Christmas eve party. Reg has told Linda a great big secret._ **

**Now. Meha is done babbling. **

* * *

"My Lord," Lucius Malfoy tried to keep his calm in front of his Lord Voldemorte, but couldn't keep the doubt from his voice. "You can't possibly be thinking—" Lucius was cut off by Riddle's simple glare. The latter practically floated, circling and stopping finally in front of Malfoy. 

Riddle stepped forward once. Twice. "You've my instructions. You will obey."

Regulus Black resisted pounding his fist on the table. All around the table 'Death Eaters'—as the newspapers were now calling Riddle's supporters—were seated; some eminating doubt in their lord, others overflowing with their foolish loyalty. _He could kill you in an instant_, Reg kept reminding himself, _just keep your cool. Remember what happened last time._ Regulus twitched when he recalled what his _leader_ had done to him the last time Regulus tried to voice his concerns._ Just. Shut. Up. _

Then an older supporter, Antonin Dolohov—who was also as ruthless as it came, having killed anti-Voldemorte wizards in the past, and having no scruples about killing his own—surprised Regulus by speaking up and perhaps inadvertantly opposing his master's scheme. "But, M'lord, we've already planned—by your instructions—to attack the—"

"I am postponing that plan." Riddle circled the table again, this time his eye was fixed on Dolohiv. "You've all done well following my orders. Indeed, you've proven your loyalty time and time again, done whatever I asked you to do, in the name of the cause." He stopped, his steps dying in the echo of the stone underground lair. "But I find myself wondering what it is that makes it so difficult for you to obey me now. Is this mutiny?" Riddle glared at a select few of his so-called supporters, who shifted in their seats. "_Opposition._"

There were the random cries further down the long table of "_Never_!" and "_To our Lord do our loyalties lie, and to our Lord do we serve_!" Most of these cries came from the Lestranges, just a few seats down.

"We have no reservations about following your orders," another supporter—Augustus Rookwood—assured him. "We just wonder why you would want to postpone a plan that took two months to put into motion, to leave us to even the score of a personal vendetta."

The very ground under their feet shook, rattled, even quivered beneath them. Riddle was proving his might. "Just do it." And he vanished.

Regulus couldn't believe it. He just couldn't believe it. The plan was to attack the—well, guess that was a bust. They couldn't complete that plan successfully without Voldemorte, and he made it abundantly clear that he was not going to be there, not going to help them, because he'd be elsewhere, fulfilling a personal vendetta. _The twit,_ Reg dared to think, a small part of him hoping his master could read his mind. Regulus finally truly understood the saying "stuck between a rock and a hard place." He'd betrayed his side, his family, one of the most powerful wizards on earth, by warning Linda (hoping that she'd in turn warn the appropriate people, especially Amelia, someone he couldn't bring himself to admit to about who he was). And now, they were all probably still in danger. But it didn't matter. Now, because of his master's fickleness, Regulus had risked his life to warn Linda about the _wrong thing_.

But it was too late, he'd never get there in time even if he could. This woman would die and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

* * *

**Dec. 20th, 1977. Hogwart's Express. _Countdown: Five days til Christmas._**

In the past few days, the students of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry filled their time by studying for the last few finals, taking the blasted finals, packing and planning for the holiday. Finally, it was time for students and faculty to all flock home for the holidays, bubbling up at the idea of leaving school and all forms of work. With Christmas in only a few days, there was no measure to the excitement felt and expected.

Lily had spent the entire train ride wanting to talk to him, to James, but not. And when she wasn't doing that, she worried about going home and seeing her parents at opposite sides of the room, disgust and a thousand miles between them. Her head swam with thoughts of where and with who she would live, whose house would she stay at on weekends, how chaotic would holiday dinners be?, custody battles, alimony, and all that divorce-drama you see in the Made-for-TV movies. Between her family unit falling apart and the loss of her best friend (which she blamed only herself, but it hit hard all the same), she didn't see Christmas as much of a holiday. In the end, Lily Evans could be found sitting in her Heads Compartment—alone, and bored. She held her camera in her lap, turning it over. She hadn't used in a couple of months with school and everything, but felt a bit more comfortable holding it now. (**A/N** I introduced some time ago that Lily liked photography and everything and am bringing it back now. Just saying this in case anyone forgot). She turned the camera around to face her, and with a low "Merry Christmas" to herself, the camera flashed—a self-taken portrait of Lily Evans.

James on the other hand—instead of in his own Head Compartment (which in his opinion, 'wasn't big enough for both him and the redhead,' or so he told Remus and Peter)—decided to spend the train ride in Compartment 17, losing round after round of Wizard's Chess to Remus. Peter, in one of his rare appearances lately with his crew, spent the entire ride eating Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans or sleeping (but never really seemed to be at rest since even in his sleep—similar to his conscious hours—he twitched and trembled). Linda caught up on some reading. Meanwhile, Amelia—before joining her friends in Compartment 17—spent most of her time with for-the-most-part quiet Reg (who told her he loved her one more time in hopes of a response, but receiving only a smile and a hug). They were saying goodbye until she'd see him—she hoped!—at the Potter's Christmas party.

A few hours later, and not a moment too soon, the train stopped and its occupants spilled out through the doors, running away it seemed from the fear that they would somehow be forced back on and taken back to school.

"You meeting your parents, Lily?" asked Amelia when they'd all gotten off the train, retrieved their luggage and met up.

Lily smiled too weakly and shook her head. "I'm supposed to grab a cab or something and meet them at the house. Petunia's visiting, too, with Vernon and mum doesn't want to leave them in the house alone."

James, who'd been standing with the group but a good six feet from Lily, brushed passed her. "Just spotted my parents. See you guys in a few days," James said before leaving them.

Amelia glared at James' back out of indignation for Lily. "How _un_-chivalrous. Knowing you didn't have a ride, and you two being neighbors, _and_ it being the holidays, he could have at least offered to take you home. Not like he doesn't know the way. Oh, look I think that's my dad coming towards me…wearing that winter jumper. Lord."

Linda cut in. "Come on, honey," she picked up one of Lily's bags. "I think I see my mum. We'll give you a ride."

"You sure it's alright?" Lily asked, even though the Linleys lived fairly close to the Evans.

"Alright? _Please_," Linda scoffed, smiling. "Mum likes you better, and once you give her that brooch you bought her for Christmas, she'll want to adopt you and give you _my_ room."

* * *

_The Potter Home, nearly an hour later. _

**James**.

He paced his room, unpacking his dark blue suitcase. God, this room was stuffy. Assuming noone had aired it out while he'd been away at school, James went to open his window a crack, despite the cold chill fighting its way in. As he did so, James chanced to see a flash of red in the midst of all that outside white. Lily.

Lily standing on her porch. Staring at the door, her bags in her hands. She wasn't even moving. How long had she been standing there?

He leaned out of the window. "Lily," he called out to her before he could stop himself. He voice pulled her from her reverie, he could tell, because she dropped her bags suddenly as if startled. "What are you doing?"

She looked up at him, squinting. She murmered something, too low for him to hear. "Wait," called James, disappearing from the window. Half a minute later, he emerged from his front door and jogged across the lawn t o land on the step right below Lily. "It's freezing out here, Evans. What are you doing—haunting your porch?" He realized as he asked this, it was the most he'd said to her since, well, that day he yelled at her in the Quidditch pitch. But she was staring at her door, by herself and turning red.

"Linda and her mother just dropped me off," she said, distracted.

Ok, but… "But what are you doing out here, in the absolute _frigid, late-December, London_ weather?" He was getting chills and he'd only just stepped out.

It was awhile before Lily answered. "I can't go in just yet."

"Why not?"

Lily took a steadying breath. "My parents are in there."

"They live there."

"But behind that door, they're separated. Out here on this porch, I still have my childhood image of them happy and in love." She seemed to realize that it was cold out here, and slowly rubbed her hands over each other. "I know it must sound like a broken record at this point—Poor Lily upset about her parents splitting up. I'm sure you guys are all saying how I should get over it, and it's sad but these things happen. But…I can't just get over it, James." She looked at him, sorry that she couldn't 'get over it.' "Once I walk in there and see them, like that, I'll slowly start to forget how it was when we were still a family."

Sirius was right. No matter how hurt he was, or how disappointed…Lily needed him, her best friend. "You have to go in sometime."

She looked unsure. "But then it'll all be real."

He stepped up, now level with her. Beside her. "It _is_ real. And you have to go in there. Can't live on the porch. It's only ten degrees out here, and that coat can't possibly keep you warm til January."

"James," Lily's face was even redder, her white breath getting whiter. "I-I—"

"There you are!" The door flew open, and an attractive woman with red hair to match Lily's and the obvious source of her green eyes stood in the doorway. "We thought we heard voices out here. Lily, my goodness, it's so good to have you home—Just look at you!" Her mother jumped on Lily and hugged her tight, feeling like a warm blanket on Lily's frozen body. Her mother smelled like a mixture of some keen spices and fresh peach cobbler straight from the oven.

"I'm just going to leave you to your family reunion then," James said in the background as he backed away. "See you later, Lil."

Lily was then ushered into the house, and she was thankful the warmth hit her full blast. Having left her bags in the hall, her mother guided her to the living room, where her father sat with a scrawny-as-ever Petunia and a roly-polyVernon.

* * *

**Later that night. _Lily_.**

Lily opened her window as high as she could and locked it in place. Daringly, she grabbed a bunch of useless trinkets from around her room—a hair clip, stubby pencil, broken makeup sharpener, a few pence, and a marble. She began to throw. She had good aim, too, nearly always hitting his window opposite her dead-center.

Finally, after a couple of the pence, James pulled back his curtain and opened his window.

"About time you took a hint," Lily smiled, feeling quite a bit more comfortable than when James had found her.

"Or a _hit_. Could have broken the window if I'd let you go on like that," James called back in through the distance, which couldn't have been more than a few yards.

Lily smiled. "Don't be such a ninny. I couldn't have done any real damage."

After a minute of throwing quips back and forth, James asked, "So was it all as scary as you thought it would be?"

"Sort of." Lily went on to say that her parents were perfectly civil towards one another—her father even cracked a few jokes, and her mother had laughed at them whole-heartedly—and though there was a degree of awkwardness that would probably never go away, it wasn't as apocalyptic as Lily feared. Of course, she'd only been here for one afternoon, and there was still loads to discuss and sort out, and Lily was terrified of it all, knowing it would be dreadful, but for today. Today wasn't too bad.

"But I just risked breaking your window," Lily added, "because…I wanted to thank you, for listening to me before. And pushing me. And just…coming out when you saw me instead of walking the other way." It meant more because she knew she didn't deserve him to be _so James_ to her. And he had made it clear he wanted to stay away, so for him to give her words of advice at a time when things absolutely sucked between them meant more to her than anything. "And I wanted…to ask you again…if things could be alright between us. James, I hate us not talking, and having this weird tension around each other and avoiding each other, especially when I _want_ to talk to you, and I don't want to avoid you. And vise versa."

James rumpled his hair on top of his head—it wasn't looking so flat these days and was actually starting to reach its normal height of like, four or five inches high. "I know." His broad shoulders filled up a majority of the window frame's space as he leaned on forearms. James was looking at his hands, fiddling. "I still don't think I can be around you and not…be a bit hurt, sometimes. At least not now. And I don't think you and I can just be 'best buds' and forgive and forget."

Lily's heart sank, and she knew it was a longshot, but she just _had_ to give it a try. It seemed nice, talking to him before on the porch. And now at their bedroom windows, like they used to as children. But she realized when he went on, that James wasn't finished talking. "But I think that…I'd be willing to, I mean…I can handle being at least just Us together. Just Lily and James," he offered. "If that's alright."

Wow, she thought. And a Merry Christmas to me.

At that proposal, Lily was smiling again, like she hadn't in a long while. She realized that day that her parents' splitting was yes, still devastating and sad for her, but on some level she knew it wasn't the end of the world. And she was sort of getting her James back. Yes, today, in the world of Lily Evans, was not a bad day at all. "Yes, James," she said trying to keep the giddiness from her voice, "That's alright."

* * *

**Dec. 24th, 1977. The Potter Christmas party.**

"Well, Lily, you're looking quite spiffy," remarked Amelia, who'd just walked into Lily's room with Linda in toe. They'd all three planned to meet here before going next door to see what all this talk about the Christmas party was about. "So where's this horrible sister you were talking about? I want to meet her."

Lily scoffed. "What the hell for? Anyways, she's not in; out on a date with _Vernon. _I just hope they don't come home early and try to take advantage of the empty house."

Amelia laughed. "Reminds me, I'm surprised you're going, really, considering you and your ex have been more than strained lately."

Lily, who was a simple green skirt (with ribbon at the waist) and much lighter green cashmere sweater, put on emerald-drop earrings. "We talked, and decided to be—"

"Just friends?"

"Just Lily and James. Whatever that means," Lily put on her red coat, and grabbed a simply wrapped trinket in brown paper and single red ribbon.

Linda nodded approvingly. "Good for you." (**A/N** Just in case you're wondering, Amelia's and Linda are also just wearing skirts and sweaters—this is a simple party, not a prom. LoL) "Let's get going, shall we?"

-------

They took off their coats and looked around. Where was everybody? There was garden where gatherings were usually held, but that was outside—it couldn't be there. Were they just early…at 9:00?

"Thank God you're here," Remus rushed in from the back of the house. "James had me babysitting his Uncle Lloyd for the past half hour. Hilarious drunk, but I'm afraid the more I hang out with him, the more I smell like gin. Don't you girls look nice?" He swept his hair out of his face and greeted Lily with a kiss on the cheek, Amelia with a hug, a just smiled at Linda. Oh boy, Linda thought, it's gonna be a long night.

He led them out to the veranda that led to the garden, which was magically heated. "All the beauty of winter without that pesky chill," Remus commented. He grimaced. "There's Lloyd again. Is he pouring that flask into the punch? God, I'll see you girls later. Lloyd, _not everyone likes to hit the sauce_!" he called out.

Lily straightened her sweater and announced that she was going to pay her respects to Mr. and Mrs. Potter.

But she really went to look for James. She found him chatting up some fellows, and seemed to be making them laugh. Lily hesitated to go in the middle of a group of guys—they might see her, she foolishly thought. But turned out she didn't have to at all, since after standing outside of the group for a few seconds, James' attention caught on her, and he excused himself.

As James came over to her, it brought a bit of attention from the young men he'd just been with. She tried not to blush but didn't know if she was succeeding. "Hello," James greeted. "Did Linda and Amelia come with you?" James looked behind her to see.

"Oh sure," Lily was only half-distracted by the one guy—who looked a bit shifty—checking her out from behind James. "I just left them for a moment. Um, could we go inside for a second?"

Minutes later, when they'd secured the living room—at least it was inside, away from the roving eyes of Shifty guy—Lily faced James. "I got you a Christmas gift." Lily fiddled with the brown-wrapped package beneath her arm, and offered it to him. It was long and wide, but fairly thin. "I know we _just_ agreed that we'd try to be…normal again, so I don't expect one back—that's not why I got this. I just…saw it and wanted you to have it."

He smiled secretly to himself, barely a smile but enough of one. Just the slightest curve to his pink lips. James walked away, down the hall, to the coat closet Lily guessed from the angle he turned at, and returned with a package of his own. "I did a bit of Christmas shopping myself." He gave Lily her gift from him. "I'm not going to pretend that everything's just perfectly fine between us, but I think this is a step in the right direction."

They smiled sweetly at each other and Lily opened her box. "James," Lily whispered when she saw what he'd gotten her. A photo album, a beautiful photo album, for all her pictures that she had nowhere to put. And she had loads. She opened the cover and inside was a note from James.

_Amemory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen. Thanks for sharing so many memories with me. ...James._

"This is wonderful," Lily couldn't take her eyes from the page. She held it close to her chest. "Open yours."

James tore at the brown paper with its single red ribbon and revealed what she'd gotten him. A dark wood frame, holding a picture inside. He blinked twice before realizing what it was.

It was a picture of him when he was seven years old, sitting in front of presents. It is on Christmas, nearly eleven years ago. A seven year old version of Lily is sitting next to him. The picture was taken just as she leaned over and kissed his seven-year old cheek. By complete accident, they'd been sitting under mistletoe. The colors of the picture were so deep, the memory flashed in his mind as vividly as if it happened yesterday. James remembered his innocent shock at feeling Lily's warmkiss on his cheek. He couldn't help the toothy smile that came to his face now. "This is just perfect, Lily. Thank you." And they then spent some moments musing over their already beloved presents, and that one person who gave it to them.

---

Amelia and Linda sat together at a small table, looking out at the people here tonight (among the crowd, influential people like the Minister of Magic and even the President of Gringott's were here). "Oh my God," Amelia remarked. Linda thought she was going to comment for the fourth time about how her boyfriend wasn't here. But she was wrong. Amelia was looking towards the entrance and that's where he stood. "Reg's here, I can't believe he made it." She had wondered if he was coming at all. "Would you mind if I left you for now?"

Linda shook her head, and told her to take her time. Now, sitting alone, she looked around at everyone. They seemed to be having a marvelous time; the Potters really did throw a lovely party. And she seemed to get caught up in the motions of it all. Guy asking girl to dance. Guy and girl under mistletoe, blushing and avoiding eye contact, with their hands behind their backs. Guy and girl giggling to each other, because everything the other says is witty. Remus taking away Uncle Lloyd's spiked punch, which he insisted wasn't 'spiked' so much as it was 'Irish.' Then she realized she was sitting alone at her little table. _How pathetic am I?_ she thought. She fiddled with the coffee in her hand.

"Is this seat taken?" a hand gestured to Amelia's seat.

"Actually, it's my frien—" She was cut off by almost-black eyes, and struck by the beauty in them.

It was Sirius. Whoa nelly, he was looking like some kind of fine. "No, it's not," Linda corrected very quickly with a dry throat. He smiled at her—this wide lit-up-the-room charming smile. "What are you doing here?" she heard herself ask.

"Didn't I say I'd be here?" he teased.

"Well, yes—but—"

"Was there any doubt?"

"No. A-a little," she grudgingly confessed. "When did you get back?"

"Just left King's Cross about an hour ago." Sirius sat down. "Don't you look smashing?" his gaze roamed over her. As always in moments like this, she thanked God she didn't blush easily. "So, what'd I miss?" Sirius leaned back in his chair as he looked out at the rest of the party, and Linda couldn't help but notice how wonderfully fresh-off-the-train he looked, and also noted his fine eyes and his sultry features.

She shrugged, pushing the thoughts. "Not much. The Minister of Magic and the President of Gringott's nearly came to blows before about who was most successful between them. We all thought they were going to resort to _fisticuffs_," she mocked, "but alas. No entertainment on that front."

Sirius laughed unexpectedly. "That's too bad," he said smiling. But then that classic mischeif and playfulness returned to his eyes, in true Sirius fashion. "You want entertainment?" He leaned closer, still smiling widely as if about to laugh. "We could go find some mistletoe to stand under—"

It was Linda's turn to laugh outright, and she pushed him away, smiling shyly. "Black, you are absolutely wicked."

He winked. "Sometimes."

---

**_Still at the party_. 11:45pm.**

Rose Evans was standing with Mrs. Isabel Potter just a bit aways from their husbands, holding their tea in their hands and discussing their children's acheivements, like most mothers do. "Our Lily has so many options to choose from, and excels in all of them, it's a wonder she'll ever decide what she'll pursue after she graduates."

Isabel Potter nodded her agreement. "Richard and I were just saying the same thing about James. Though we expect he'll probably take up that Quidditch scholarship those scouts keep throwing at him. Do you know how many letters I get…"

Rose Evans shook her head, and quite involuntarily glanced up at her house next door. From here, she could see her window. Her bedroom light was on. She never left her bedroom light on.

Isabel Potter went on, "…but he's just so free-spirited, I don't think he'll ever take up some corporate job like his father or…" Rose unintentionally tuned her out again, and looked towards her bedroom window. Something was drawing her attention to it. Was there someone in there?

"Excuse me, dear," she interrupted her friend. "I'll be right back."

Charles Evans turned from his conversation with Mr. Potter. "Rose, where are you going?"

She grew uncomfortable, and wanted to leave the party right now. "I think I just forgot something next door. Won't be long."

Rose Evans walked quickly through the crowd, and hurried to the veranda door, leading inside. She had hoped to get out without running into anyone else. She hoped in vain.

"Mum?" Lily stopped her. It seemed she'd been sitting nearby with James. "Where are you going?"

She didn't want to lie to her daughter—she didn't even know what she was lying about. It was perfectly reasonable to go to her own home, she rationalized. But… "Just next door for a minute, dear."

Lily smiled. "But Mum, it's a party. Can't you wait until we all go next door together?"

Rose was wasting time. "No, darling, I'll just be two seconds, really."

Her daughter held her hand. "Then I'll come with you if you want."

"No!" she refused to fast. With a breath Rose continued. "No, that's alright, darling. You stay here, with your friends. I'll be right back." Lily gave her a concerned look, probably thinking her mother was acting odd. Rose added reassuringly, with more emphasis on the words, "I will be right back."

And she was out of the Potters', across the lawn, and in her own home before anyone else knew she left. Rose climbed the stairs slowly—Why was she afraid of her own home? She was just a paranoid woman, afraid of her own shadow. But those thoughts didn't calm her nerves as she reached the stairs' landing and walked the long hall to her bedroom door.

She turned the knob and, before she'd even opened the door all the way, heard in a deep menacing voice that chilled her down her spine the words, "Come in."

Rose Evans opened the door wider, knowing who would face her, but hoping against all hope that she was wrong. That this was a really bad dream and that he'd just go away the second she woke up. But it wasn't. He was here, and he came for her.

"Tom," Rose tried to steady her voice, but it just came out a bundle of quivering waves. "W-what are you doing here?"

He was standing at her vanity, holding a picture frame in his right hand. His left hand was pointing to each face in the picture as he seemingly memorized the photo's every line. When he turned to her, with cold fathomless eyes, she saw that the picture he held was a family portrait. Her, Charles, Lily and Petunia. She was sure—if she remembered Tom's jealousy correctly, and she was positive she did—that all he saw in the picture was Rose…standing next to Charles. His Rose, married to another man.

Without even noticing, she heard glass break. Tom had been gripping the picture so tightly, the protective glass cover cracked, the eye of the crack on Charles' head. "Tom," Rose started, reaching for courage. "I don't know why you came. You should leave."

This wasn't the man she'd known since she was a young woman. The man she knew was kinder, and loved her deeply, with all the passion a man like him could give. But he was bitter at times, despising where he came from, despising himself, and soon learned to despise everyone and everything around him because of it. But not her. The man that stood in front of her now was cold, harsh and dangerous. Spiteful and mean…and still wanted her.

But she didn't want him. Not anymore, not for a long time. "You should leave, Tom," she repeated, gathering strength.

His black hair was slicked back, every strand in place. His eyes of ice stilled her in place and bore into her own. Menace filled his voice. "Love me forever, will you, Rose?"

That measley amount of courage she had found was slipping away from her, fast. "Forever isn't what it used to be."

He laughed—a dry, humorless, merciless laugh. "He won't have you. No one will. I'll give you this last chance—"

Rose filled with fear faster than she could've imagined and wanted to bolt. But his eyes kept her in place. "I told you before, Tom, I can't go with you. I _won't._"

She whispered in her mind _Goodbye Charles, Lily and Petunia._ Because she knew what was coming. He'd warned her since their last unexpected meeting, and since then she had just been binding her time. Riddle's cold hand caressed her cheek with all the smoothness of needles. "I'm sorry it had to end this way, my dear."

_**11:58pm.**_

--- ---

Lily, James, Remus, and Peter were all standing, talking with the Chaser of the Montrose Magpies: Alasdair Maddock. _The_ Maddock.

"So can you tell us," Peter asked eagerly, "about the time you tried to dribble the Quaffle like a basketball, because that was just _classic._"

Maddock laughed at his own memory. "Right that was when we were playing against the Chudleys…"

James leaned over towards Lily. "Is it just him or do you think all Quidditch players are that happy to talk about themselves?"

They both turned back to Maddock. "Don't forget to remind me to tell you about the time I headbutted the quaffle like those muggle soccer players..."

Lily quietly chuckled. "If you ever play professionals, James,_don't_ end up like that. Hey, I'm going to get a glass of water. Be right back."

"You're going to leave me with this windbag?" James accused. "That's cold, Lil."

She excused herself and went to the kitchen. She opened the cupboard, retrieved a glass, turned on the sink and filled her cup with water. Thirstily, she began to drink its contents. She could feel the cold liquid move down her throat.

Then—right then—Lily felt a familiar sort of pain. Too familiar. She dropped her cup; glass broke into shards across the kitchen floor, water spilling into a pool. Her head began to split into pieces. Her eyes were burning and dry. She crouched over in pain. _Oh my God, what the hell is going on?_ She didn't even know how to react to agony. Somwhere, a clock stroked Midnight.

Lily had never felt a pain quite like this. Bleeding inside out. Like her veins were slowly tearing apart and blood was spilling over her insides, like inward acid on skin. Experiencing it…she didn't know whether to scream, or cry, or tear at her own skin. Mute cries went unheard.

She let out a sharp, dry sob, the only audible sound her shut throat would allow her. It was dark…either her burning eyes were closed, or she was losing her vision.

A chill ran down her spine. Then, right when Lily thought she couldn't take it anymore—no sound. In the throbbing ache, a vaccuum of her mind sucked out all sound. Lily's unheard inner screams were covered by a blanket of silence. And in the back of her mind, in a black void, she heard… a woman peircing scream. A heart-splintering, blood-curdling, throaty scream as if being tortured out of the skin.

Finally, Lily let go. **12:01 AM.**

On the morning of Dec. 25th, Rose Vivienne Evans was murdered.

**  
------------------------------Merry Christmas---------------------------**

* * *

_Alasdair Maddock—This is a real quidditch player according to Rowling. See, I done did my research. LoL._

**Announcements: I'd like to thank Kaitlyn and Kelly for their help to me whenever I IMed them looking for opinions/ideas. Woot, you rock, and Cheers! to you. And a HUGE shoutout to all of you who wished me luck on my exams—it worked! I passed!**

**KELLY—I swear, I feel like writing a cameo character named after you just because of how you are so…you. LoL. Kelly/Sirius? You never know, crazier things in fanfiction have happened. And I miss "Lost" too! It's coming on tonight but probly a rerun. Jeez, what happened??? Is Claire gonna be ok??????? We must stay tuned to find out.**

**SAM—you're awesome too! James can't just 'learn how to grow up,' because he's been hurt deeply by someone he loved and thought loved him back—and worse, it's his best friend. So yeah, double-burn. And thanks for the luck on my exams—musta helped because my final grades were A's in 3 classes and Bs in 2. Time to get drunk! J/k LoL. **

**KEEKS—Reading and crying in the comp lab? LoL. That's Rufus (forgive me, I just watched Never Been Kissed again, and am re-loving that word). And I don't know why you don't have guy friends like Sirius, but if you see any, don't forget to give them my number, too, eh??? ::Sings 'All by Myself' for the third time today::**

**BRIGHTON BABY—Aw, you think I have everything planned out? I'm flattered, but Heavens no. I mean, I've got a general outline, but I constantly change my mind and the story is Nothing—with a capital 'N'—like what I thought it would be when I first started writing. So even when I do have something planned, it stands a 50/50 chance of getting changed. **

**KAITLYN—Damn I love when you review! "I'll fight you for him, bitch!" LooooL!** **And YES, the Outsiders rules. I read it in 8th grade, and me and my entire all-girla lot of estrogen class were fighting for Soda-Pop. Ah, just a preview of my feelings for another fictional character, Sirius. Oh, And you spelled it _favourite_. Love it. I'm gonna start being more like you. ::Is Canadian::**

**VICK—My story made you a sometime nail-biter? Well. Don't that beat all? LoL. And I'm ecstatic that you thought the end of the last chapter was "perfect." Seriously you—and everyone else—totally make my day. To know that you guys actually _like_ what I write. Mindblowing.**

**PADDY—See, who Sirius will inevitably end up with is ME—I mean! Who he'll end up with is yet to be determined (I know, but the story doesn't. LoL). Just have to keep reading to figure out who he's meant to be with.**

**PIA—Aw, ramble away. Good for the soul, and the skin. LoL. And gasp! I never want you guys to rip your hair out over my story lines (It'd be a bit odd with only bald readers. LoL). Love ya lots!**

**KATIE—LoL, at first I thought YOU played in the game, but then you just said you watched. RIGHT ON. I'm a spectator, not a player. At least of sports. I'm an old-fashioned girl, raised to believe girls watched Oprah and shopped, others did the real work. Denmark boys? YIPPEE. I watched Prince & Me, I know how the story ends. ;) And you had a fish named Samwise Gamgee the Brave? I'm at a loss for words—if I ever get a pet, I wanna name it a LOTR name. I hope your Samwise is in a good place now. And hope you got that X-mas laptop!**

**CPSOCCERGIRL—fics take so much time to write? You're preaching to the choir, baby. LoL. I even think about what I'm gonna write in posts while I'm eating dinner, down to when I'm talking on the phone (so, NOT listening to my friends LoL). But your fic was pretty good, don't just give up!**

**LAUREL—Oooh! Cookies, AND brownies, AND gingerbread people (wow you spoil me!) AND Spice cake? I never had it before. What's it taste like? :: Takes a bite::**

**LYR942—Girl. Girl. Girl. Gotta tell ya, LOVED the link. I showed it to nearly everyone. Made it my desktop. Some of my friends are STILL looking at it. Damn…Sirius was hot. Remus, too. ::cries:: I want one.**

**STEPH—12 reviews in one day? LooL, that just kicked ass. I loved all of them. It was like reading a comic strip minus the pictures. So funny! And to your "who needs this rubbish called precal?" I SO AGREE. I practically bled in that class. Precalthe devil. But stay strong, it'll all be over soon. LoL, good luck!**

**AMANDA—starbucks' peppermint hot chocolate—Is that any good? I go there all the time—even made good friends with the employees, LoL—but peppermint? Hm. The possibilities. And the song was "How Does it Feel?" by Avril. And dreams of Stanford, eh? _Nice. _Best of luck getting in, drop a line if you do. Oh, and I have AIM, yahoo and MSN, but mainly use aim. (sn: ahem605)**

**MISSY—I say James and Lily, too, but I'm getting in the habit of saying Lily and James. Just because…I dunno. Girls rock. There, I have a reason. LoL. GIRL, do you _ever_ go online? I miss my Missy. And that last review for chap 12…I was nearly in TEARS. You are just the sweetest person in the world. ::hugs::**

**KELLI—Of course L/J weren't being fair to each other during the fight. All's fair in love. And war. Mwaha. LooL. And haha, you twirled in your review—right on! LoL.**

**KATIE/sn: singing—I think I might remember you—thanks for reading!! I'm so glad you found the story here and are reading now. If we didn't get to talk much before, I hope we can now.**

**XYZABC90—Page 174 isn't working? Well, I'll get on it, but if you don't want to wait, don't bother pressing that little button at the bottom of the page; just plug in the number in the web address—instead of 173, fix it so that it reads 174. Hope that works! And thanks for reading. **

**KELLY/Sweety5721—Ah! YOU're reading again! So glad to see you! And alas, no, the HP boards never got fixed to the way it used to be. They have this new stupid way of being. I'll fill you in online (AIM), if you IM me at ahem605. What's your sn? IM me anytime.**

**LACEY—LoL, Sirius can make even that funny because…well, he's Sirius. And yes! Both Finals and Midterms suck like hell. Finals just a bit worse (more pressure). Best of luck, though!**

**HOPE YOU ALL HAD A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAVE FUN ON THE NEW YEAR!**


	13. The Day the World Ended

**I sooo did not mean to wait this long before updating. What's it been, like 3, 4 weeks? I suck. Anywho, love you guys, thanks for being patient, and there are reviews at the end. And a couple of songs in the middle. Love ya. Enjoy.**

**P.s. This is my first update of 2005! (And it's the day I got my license!! Double exclamation!!) **

Last update: December 29th, 2004

**This chapter update: January 25th (actually 26th, since it's past midnight, but WHATEVER).**

**

* * *

**

Petunia found the body.

---

On the morning of December 25th, children worldwide were sneaking downstairs in the hopes of glimpsing their long-awaited presents underneath the Christmas tree, perhaps searching for a trace of Santa Clause.

But for Lily Evans, Christmas would always mean the day her mother died.

----

_As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me._

What was the hardest part? Planning the funeral, driving to the funeral, or right now: being at the funeral?

Lily would put her money on the right now. This was definitely the hardest. Picking out her mother's coffin and thinking about which one she'd like best; steaming her black dress and pinning back her hair and inventing a million little meaningless details in preparation for the event and to keep her mind off the ache; sitting in the deafening silent car with her father and Petunia, while she sat alone in the backseat. Her mind had echoed with hollow thoughts. It echoed still.

Every moment since she'd found out about her mother had been her own hell, each moment harder to get through than the last.

Lily would never forget… She had fainted. When she woke up, she was on the kitchen floor at the Potters', and a houseelf was propping her up, trying to wake her. No sooner than she had opened her eyes… there was a scream. But it wasn't who had screamed before she'd passed out. This was different. A throaty, blood-curdling scream. She would later find out it was Petunia, next door.

Petunia had returned from her date with Vernon, and then went to her parents' bedroom to return the earrings she had borrowed from the vanity. She found her limp mother sprawled on the floor. It was Petunia who found the body.

Lily would never forget how she found out. Staggering home with her father and maybe a handful of people behind her (it might have been James and the others. It didn't matter). The vision of her kneeling sister's bony arms holding onto the limp body of Rose Evans in her lap; Petunia was sobbing into her mother's shoulder, holding onto her like death.

But here—here at the funeral. This is where…it was all sinking in. Where the curtain Lily had drawn to keep herself from seeing the harsh reality was being pulled back slowly, but never slow enough. The funeral itself looked just like a painting from afar. Each stroke soft and dim.

It was as if drawn from lines of a poem. Everyone dressed in black of course. But so did the sky. The grass and trees. The storm clouds overhead. They all looked like they were covered in ash. Dressed for the occasion.

It might've been morning, but everything was dark, robbed of nearly all color. Black or white.

A bouquet of overly-bloomed white roses lay on the ebony coffin Lily's mother lied in. The black umbrellas everyone held were being beaten down by unfeeling rain that showered like ice in this grey December.

The only color besides the black, the white and the grey, was in the aching red eyes and faded red lips of Lily's. Her lips were swollen, and her eyes were tired from days of crying.

Her marble tombstone—now covered in streaming raindrops—read, "_Rose Vivienne Evans. Enchanting and Beloved Wife, Mother, and Spirit._" Lily wished she could have thought of something better to have engraved. Something that uniquely captured her mother's spirit. But she couldn't. Lily hated the tombstone.

She felt as if she wasn't here. No one really was. The surrealness of it all…it made her head light and dizzy. Like the slightest wind could knock her over, and she was getting cold, she thought, in her now damp clothes. The icyness in the air bit at her.

It took a few minutes for Lily to realize that James was standing next to her, holding her hand. She didn't know how long he had been there, holding her hand. Somehow, her heart ached more.

_Just breathe,_ a thought somewhere told her. Ever since … each breath was getting harder. Each moment more difficult than the last. Just getting through the day made her want to hide and cry.

An over-whelming emotion plagued Lily's thoughts, one she couldn't put into words. It was a terrible gut feeling that everything now was and would always be colorless. Tomorrow didn't matter. Tomorrow didn't exist. Life would never move beyond this moment, this rainy place. _Her _funeral. She was forced to relive this moment everytime she'd think of calling her mother, and remember she couldn't.

Her mother was dead.

She was dead.

_Mom died._

These words didn't hold a grasping meaning in Lily's head because, in to Lily, they represented a concept she had never known before. Yet, the cursed words forcefully stuck with her.  
Bile rose halfway, burning. That heavy knot in her throat she felt would always be there. Stuck with her, here in time. Heavy, filled with unshed tears. Unheard cries. Unbroken vases smashed against the wall.

The service was ending, she acknowledged somewhere in her mind. Alright, it finished, she was sure. She could tell now because she felt everyone's awkward discomfort, and intense pity and sympathy. While it was a comfort, it also sickened her.

A white rose she held in her hand (the hand that James was _not_ holding) since after dawn was quickly edging with brown. But she wouldn't put it on the coffin. It would be saying goodbye, and she wasn't ready to make this all real. And she wouldn't give her mother a brown flower. She couldn't.

The petals were slipping off quietly, making a little brownish white pile on the deadened grass.

The crowd was thinning now… people were drifting away. But rather than caring, her eyes simply followed her mother being lowered slowly. In the ground, in the dirt. Six feet under.

Her lip quivered. She wanted to call out to her mother. No voice came out.

Oh God, how much she was missing her.

**  
Calling All Angels**

_**Santa Maria, Santa Teresa, Santa Anna, Santa Susannah  
Santa Cecilia, Santa Copelia, Santa Domenica, Mary Angelica  
Frater Achad, Frater Pietro, Julianus, Petronilla  
Santa, Santos, Miroslaw, Vladimir  
and all the rest**_

_**Oh,**_

_**a man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries  
and high above the church bells start to ring  
and as the heaviness the body oh the heaviness settles in  
somewhere you can hear a mother sing**_

_**then it's one foot then the other as you step out onto the road  
how much weight? how much weight?  
then it's how long? and how far?  
and how many times before it's too late?**_

_**calling all angels calling all angels  
walk me through this one  
don't leave me alone  
calling all angels calling all angels  
we're cryin' and we're hurtin'  
and we're not sure why...**_

_**and every day you gaze upon the sunset  
with such love and intensity  
it's almost...it's almost as if ...  
if you could only crack the code  
then you'd finally understand what this all means**_

_**but if you could...do you think you would  
trade in all the pain and suffering?  
ah, but then you'd miss  
the beauty of the light upon this earth  
and the sweetness of the leaving**_

_**calling all angels calling all angels  
walk me through this one  
don't leave me alone  
callin' all angels callin' all angels  
we're tryin' we're hopin'  
we're hurtin' we're lovin'  
we're cryin' we're callin'because we're not sure how this goes**_

"Lily," her father whispered near her. His voice was weak, though not completely gone as Lily's seemed to be at the moment. "Come with me, darling. Don't stay."

* * *

The Wake was nearly as unbearable as the funeral. Back in the house, without her—without Mom. Lily held a glass of water in her hand, and more than once wanted to shatter it between her fingers, sick of hearing "I'm so sorry" from the guests. Her mom was _dead._ No amount of feeling sorry was going to bring her back. She appreciated everyone's sentiment, but was just so _tired_.

Wishing she was anywhere but here.

**---**

James searched around. Where was she? He understood if Lily needed to get away from everything right now—from the people and the condolences and the caterers and a wailing Petunia and her too-quiet father and the constant reminder of her dead mother and the wake. But that didn't mean he wanted her to be alone just now.

So, after checking the rooms upstairs, the closets big enough to fit her, the dining room and the laundry room, he chanced to see a redhead standing on the Evans' back porch without a coat. Staring out passed the yard.

Grabbing an extra jacket, he slowly stepped out onto the porch, hesitating. "Lily?" he stepped closer to her. Her arms were wrapped around her to keep warm. "Lil?" James spoke softly. Moving even closer, he draped her jacket over her shoulders. "What are you doing out here?" he asked gently.

She kept her eyes ahead, arms still folded. "I'm thinking."

James, having no idea what else to do, did the only thing that seemed to make sense between them at the moment. He put his arm around her waist, and pulled her close to him into a tight warm hug.

She took a few long, deep breaths. Lily looked ahead of her concentratedly, focused, but in a way that told him her eyes weren't really seeing anything real in front of her. Like looking into a scene of the past. Her lips' ends curled slightly upwards, as she remembered a warm, safe memory.

"You know," she started, feeling that knot in her throat again, "I-I remember the way that her hair felt on my cheek. When I was a child—like five, or six, maybe. And she bent down to kiss me goodnight. She'd whisper 'Happy dreams' and her smile was like…like peppermint." Lily's felt her already weak voice waver, and her eyes stung. "I can still hear the hum of her voice when she sang me to sleep, or when she was doing chores."

James tightened his arms around her. "It's good that you have those memories, so you can always remember her."

"That's just it," Lily pointed out, surrender in her tone. "I won't have those memories soon. I mean, I'll forget. I'll forget her hair and her kisses. I'll forget her smiles and her voice." Lily shivered, getting colder. She felt six years old again. Mommy gone, and her alone.

James furrowed his eyebrows, but Lily couldn't see, with her head to his chest and beneath his chin. "You won't forget," he told her firmly.

Lily shook her head from right to left slightly. "It's all a matter of time, really. Everyone forgets."

Just then, without any warning at all, Lily felt the unshed tears from that blasted knot in her throat suddenly pour from her eyes and down her cheeks. Crying again. Crying so much of late she barely realized when she did it.

The sun was setting—early, as it did during these winter months. Even behind her tear-filled eyes, Lily could just make out only the moon in the sky. Her mother was dead—the thought resonated in her mind. The world was over, that she knew. And she knew that for tonight atleast, the night would wear a starless sky.

_**  
Slipped Away**_

_**Na Na Na-na na Na Na  
I miss you, miss you so bad  
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad  
I hope you can hear me  
I remember it clearly**_

_**The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found it won't be the same  
Ooooh**_

_**Nah nah la la la nah nah**_

_**I didn't get around to kiss you  
Goodbye on the hand  
I wish that I could see you again  
I know that I can't**_

_**Oooooh  
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly**_

_**The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found it won't be the same  
Ooooh**_

_**I had my wake up  
Won't you wake up  
I keep asking why  
And I can't take it  
It wasn't fake  
It happened, you passed by**_

_**Now your gone, now your gone  
There you go, there you go  
Somewhere I can't bring you backNow your gone, now your gone  
There you go, there you go,  
Somewhere your not coming back**_

_**The day you slipped away  
Was the day i found it won't be the same noo..  
The say you slipped away  
Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...**_

_**Nah nah, nah nah nah, nah nah  
I miss you**_

**- - -

* * *

**

**_Back inside, at the Wake… _**

Hidden covertly in a corner was Sirius, Remus, and Amelia. Linda was keeping herself busy helping, and seemed to just blur by.

"Anyone else feel," Sirius asked as he leaned against the wall, loosening his tie with his free hand as his other was holding a glass of gin. He kept his voice low so the guests and family didn't hear. "like we're intruding?"

A sad Amelia slouched in her seat. "I feel so awfully guilty. I want to help, but I don't know what to do. And why don't I feel sadder? I want to, but I didn't really know her."

"None of us really did," Remus chimed in. "Just met her a couple of times. I'm worried about Lily, though."

"We all are," agreed Amelia. "Don't you think we should be doing something?"

"I don't know about you, but I've a sudden urge to go home and spend the evening with my mother. And hug her," said Remus.

"I meant should we be doing something _here_?"

Sirius straightened his back against the wall. "That's the catch about these sort of things. Nobody ever knows what to do. They just stand around awkwardly, loosening their ties." He downed the rest of his drink, upset. Then turned to Remus. "Where's Peter? Bloody rude that he didn't come."

Amelia sighed, flummoxed. "Everyone seems to be disappearing today."

"What do you mean?"

She wondered for a moment if she should tell them, but instead of concluding not to, ended up just saying, "Oh, well. I called Reg late, the night of the party, after they found…Um, after Petunia got home…and well, you know. The whole thing was so shocking and just…fucked up, really. I didn't know what to do, so I called Reg." She took a sip of her drink. "But he wasn't home."

Sirius shifted uncomfortabley, as he always did when his brother was brought into the conversation, but this time he couldn't find energy to hate him. Instead Remus shrugged and said, "He might've stepped out. No need to get worried; it doesn't mean anything."

Amelia bit her lip. Maybe she thought if she mentioned something, one of them—Sirius, perhaps—would know where he was. "Then I called Reg this morning. Twice. To see if he wanted to drive with me to the funeral. He didn't answer." She stared down at the glass of water in her own hand and shook her head, throwing in a way-too-weak smile that was fooling no one. "Couldn't find him."

**- - - **

**Rewind back to the Christmas party, shall we?:**

Amelia and Linda sat together at a small table, looking out at the people here tonight (among the crowd, influential people like the Minister of Magic and even the President of Gringott's were here). "Oh my God," Amelia remarked. "Reg's here, I can't believe he made it." She had wondered if he was coming at all. "Would you mind if I left you for awhile?"

Linda shook her head, and told her to take her time.

Amelia greeted Reg with her arms around his neck and a kiss on his lips. "Hey, you," he said to her when they pulled away, rather reluctantly. Reg leaned in for another kiss, but was rejected and denied.

Amelia put her hands down. "You're late."

He pursed his lips, then smiled quicky. "Oh, I just got caught up with Lucius and the boys for a while, but I made it, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. _Late,_" she reminded.

Reg smirked. "Yeah well after hanging out with the guys, I saw my other girlfriend—who, by the way, is terribely demanding with my time—"

"Oh, shut up."

"—Honestly, she won't take no for an answer," Reg teased, trying not to laugh.

"Uh, huh. I'm sure to laugh myself into a seizure any second now." She playfully hit him in the shoulder, but he caught her wrist, and pulled her closer, looking adoringly at her. There was a meaningful look in his eyes. After silent moments, Reg cleared his throat and looked away.

All of a sudden, the air wasn't so playful, and was just a bit more serious. Hesitantly, like the breath caught in his throat, he looked down at his hands in hers. "I-I um," he kept his eyes down, "I have to tell you something."

Amelia took a few seconds in silence, then forced him to look into her eyes, which were full of adoration and fear and happiness and comprehension. "I have something to tell you, too." Smiling, she added, "Something long overdue."

Reg smiled weakly and led her to a corner of the party, away from people enough so that they couldn't hear, which was all the privacy the two of them were going to get tonight. "You go first, by all means."

Amelia, with any courage she could muster, started with her tongue in knots–which she didn't recommend to anyone. "Well," she tightened her grip on his hands. "You said something to me once. Something huge, something so wonderful. You told me you loved me."

Reg shifted, and straightened his shoulders. "Um, I did."

Amelia continued. She thought she might be babbling, but didn't care. "And up until now, I wasn't sure how I _really_ felt for you. I mean, I didn't _know_. And I'm so sorry it took me this long to realize it, but for a while I was beginning to not even believe in love, but you're just so–"

Now _his_ grip tightened on her own fingers. For him, the conversation just got very interesting. His voice was low, but swift. Hushed, but uplifted. "Are you saying you love me?"

Amelia's beaming smile answered the question. Tonight, he thought, she looks _so_ beautiful. "I love you, Reg," Amelia told him. Finally.

On the outside, he couldn't help but let a small laugh escape him, beyond happy. She loved him. She was in love with me. It was what he had been waiting for. What was keeping him holding on.

But in a fell swoop—at the speed of a wrong thought—Reg fell apart inside. The words he most wanted to hear from her...at the time he least wanted to hear them. "Now you tell me," he whispered to himself.

Amelia blinked, not quite out of her reverie. "Excuse me?"

"I said, Darling are you sure?" he recovered.

"Of course I'm sure."

He leaned in, kissed her briefly and softly on the lips. _She loved him._ "Now it's my turn to tell you something."

"What is it?" Amelia asked, probably not even paying real attention, since she was most likely on Cloud Nine, as she ran her fingers back and forth across Reg's palm.

Reg couldn't meet her gaze, so he kept them determinedly down, watching her fingers affectionately run across his palm. "You know how," Reg already sounded as if the words were hard to find, and hard as hell to say. He knew himself he didn't want to say them at all, ever, but…there was nothing else he could do. There was no staying now. "You know how much I love you. I mean, I think you do. I hope you do. And I realize now I've made some," he laughed bitterly to himself, "some fucked-up mistakes. With my life. With everything. With you."

Hethought of his ties with Voldemorte, his supposed allies, the shit he was getting himself into. And most bitterly, he thought of the things--the magical things--he'd done to Amelia to make her feel for him. And here she was, saying she loved him, and it wasn't because of any spell he put on her. It was one of the few moments, right now, where Regulus truly hated himself.

Amelia's fingers went still. Now they just covered his, on her lap. "What are you talking about, Reg?" she asked, confused.

"I've just screwed up everything, Mel. And I know I might not have shown you the way I feel about you like I should have—but please believe…I _do_ love you. Always."

Amelia tried to hold back an expression of sheer panic. What was he saying?

"I've done things you couldn't possibly imagined," he confessed in a self-loathing whisper. "And things I would be too ashamed to have you know of me."

"What things?"

"I like to think maybe if I'm a bit better now, it's because of you. But there's still a part of me you don't know about, that I'd be too afraid to tell you. So I won't."

Amelia grabbed his hands from her lap again. "So what _are_ you telling me, Reg? I don't like playing a guessing game."

A long second or two passed, then he shook his head. "I'm leaving now. Going. But I'm coming back." _I hope,_ he added to himself.

"You're leaving already? But you only just got here—"

A houseelf came just then, and tugged on Amelia's skirt. "Miss Lily's been found, miss, fainted on the floor. Come, please," she insisted.

Before the little houseelf could drag Amelia away, Reg grabbed her by the waist and met her lips with his, making the most of it, and the last few seconds he had with her before he left.

---

**Back to the Present:**

"I called Reg this morning. Twice..." Amelia stared down at the glass of water in her own hand and shook her head, throwing in a way-too-weak smile that was fooling no one. "Couldn't find him."

* * *

**Authoress's notes:**

**1. In the first song Calling all Angels (by Jane Siberry by the way), there's a line that says "Somewhere you can hear a mother sing…" I didn't realize til just now how perfectly it worked with the previous passages, considering Lily was talking about her mother's voice and singing her to sleep. SO. Download the song. It is just one of the best, I swear. You can listen to it at www. Janesibbery. com and go to mp3s. It's from the "When I was a Boy" album.**

**2. The second song was Avril's "Slipped Away." I heard it on 'Searching for David's Heart' and immediately fell in love with it. You can listen to the full song at www . avril-lavigne. com. Click on Music, and Slipped Away will be there. Sidenote: This is the second song of Avril's I've used for Lily, (and I'm sure it's not the last).**

**3. I understand that this chapter is quite a bit more sad-as-hell compared to others, but I promise I am definitely not keeping it morbid and crying all the time. Thanks for bearing with me, you lovely, _lovely_ people. ::bribes with cookies::**

**Ok, I have to make these shout-outs quick because it's half past midnight, and I still haven't done the work for any of my classes:**

**Pia—LoL, I laughed at how you mentioned Lily's poor dead mum, then the next line was "James is hot. Period." So random. Love it! And thanks!!**

**Miss Kaitlyn Peaches—I don't even have to say how much I love your reviews. Just goes without saying. Ok so our new mission, or revised one: Find a James/Sirius/Remus/Luke/Jason/J.R/Logan type guy. Sure. That'll be easy to find. ::Joins convent:: LOVE YOU. And I think I'm writing some L/S scenes next. ::Winks:: Just fer you.**

**Laurel—So how's it feel to be 18??? Hope you like the Legal Age. Love ya lots.**

**Xyzabc—I'm so glad you got to finish reading. Do you have a sn on AIM? What's your name? Sorry if this is stalker-material questions; I just always like talking to you guys on AIM and stuff.**

**Kelly—We ALL want a boy-next-door! It's no wonder I want a Jason. Mraz, that is. LoL.**

**Kelly (Sweety5271)—Did I tell you my sn is ahem605? Probably. I feel like I've said it so many times to everyone, I'm a broken record. IM me if you see me online!**

**Kelli—A w w w w ! Tee hee. Do I deserve all those spaced-out Awws? I think I nearly blushed reading your review—you're gonna make my head big. And I know I'm evil. It's how I replace not having a Sirius of my very own. LoL. Love ya.**

**Hayley (Lyr942)—I know, that pic is still amazing. I've had it for like 2 months now, and just today Kaitlyn and I were talking about it—and perhaps sneaking peeks. I want a Sirius. NOW. LoL. I found a Sirius fansite before. It rocked. I have to find a way to get links up on this website. ::shakes head:: Anywho, thanks for the pic and reviewing. You rooccckkk. ;)**

**Kirsten—You _should_ write more! But I know what you mean. About time. Stories are tough to keep up, especially when you got a ton of other things to juggle. But I look forward to seeing if you do write again. Mwa.**

**Vick—I know, I'm just plain evil. First I throw a parental divorce in Lily's face, she breaks up with James, he hates her for a short while, and just when she thinks things are getting just a bit better again, I kill her mother. But I think things will only get more complicated for Lily Evans later on. ::Winks:: Stay tuned.**

**Amanda—And I've still got more 'branching out' to do. LoL. In a way, Lily's pain is like Harry's scar. Again, _in a way._ There's a deep reason behind it, that you'll find out later. But don't worry, you'll found out soon. Btw, your reviews are up their with my fave readings. LoL, you ROCK.**

**Singing—LoL, yes it IS Tom Riddle who was in Rose's bedroom. Lord Voldy, but she knows him as Tom.**

**Keeks—that comp still hate you? Did you ever find a hot comp-fixing friend? And YOU BOUGHT THE SECOND SEASON OF BMW?? I am so jealous. ::pouts:: I want seasons 5, 6, and 7. FEENAY!**

**Katie—Omg I so want a "Gandalf Lives!" sticker. Or a "Sirius lives!" sticker. Just because I'm in denial about that last one, dammit. And what was that request? Could you have "a nice charming gentlemanly type, smart, and good looking i might add, with starry eyes and a soothing voice..." Um, could _I_????? Tee hee. And YES, I can describe Sirius one more time. I'm sure I'll write so much more on him later.**

**Sam—got out this chapter like I promised! And what is this 'live happily ever after' business you speak of. Nothing ever happens that easily. ;)**

**Steph—Just…….::HUGS:: Omg, I just love you. _And snickerdoodle cookies?_ That's it. I'm sending you money. You rock, you rock, you rock. And YES. Death to Precal. I soo hear ya.**

**Megz—heeeeey. Wow, left you speechless? Seriously, reading things like that TOTALLY makes my day. Lata!**

**TaralivingindaheartofAmerica—Oooh! A new reader! I'm so glad you like reading L2B. You're not part of the L2B cult/crew. And your friends would think you're a dork, too huh? Well, There is no shame in loving the world of Harry Potter. I'm in college, and I do it. And I plan to do it til I'm old and grey and wearing purple neon shoes. Tee hee.**

**Missers—HEEEEY! OMG, you always know the "Meha" lines. Like, the ones that I would say rather than the characters. Damn, you just know me so well. LOVE YA.**

**Wizemunkee—I'm so glad you found it too!!!**

**Paddy—You want Sirius but Remus on holidays? Hm….maybe we could alternate…LoL. And James on weekends, eh? ::wink, wink::**

**Breezer—Yeah, I didn't mean to wait so long before updating. But I'm writing more, and hopefully more often. Thanks for reading, honestly, means a lot.**

**HOPE YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER (and if not, there's still others to come). Reviews are appreciated, and so are cookies. Tee hee, gigglexgiggle.**


	14. The Mourning After

**The Mourning After:**

Last Update: January 25th, 2005.

This Chapter update: February 12th, 2005.

**I think I might like this chapter. A first for me. LoL. Love ya lots, said Meha.**

* * *

The three investigators were just packing up, ready to leave the scene, when Lily came back from her morning walk (she didn't want to be around when a bunch of strange men searched through and analyzed every corner of her mother's possessions in her mother's bedroom—which the investigators referred to as "the Crime Scene"). 

Her father had just stood on the sidelines supervising. Lily knew he didn't follow the men into the room; she knew he just stood by the door's frame, never venturing an inch further.

When she stepped in the house, her father's was the first face Lily saw.

Richard Evans looked like—well, a man who had recently lost his wife. This stupid investigation only added lemon juice to the wounds, but as Lily was told, it is procedure, Miss. It has to be done.

With awkward glances and sorry day-time smiles, the inspectors brushed past Lily and left, leaving her to stare at her ashen-grey faced father.

"Dad?" Lily dropped her coat on the floor absent-mindedly. Without a word, her father went into the kitchen and Lily followed. He was already sitting down at the table.

Then he stood up.

And sat down again.

Lily poured him some 3-hour old coffee into a mug and placed it in front of him when he made no motion to take it from her. "What did the inspectors say?" Lily asked. She sat down. "Dad?"

Her father looked so confused. He looked like he was registering whatever the three men had told him.

Finally he said, "They told me—um, there's reason to belie…" That was the third time today he ended his sentence in the middle of a word.

"Dad," Lily spoke kind of shortly. "You're not making sense."

He looked like he would fall to pieces right there. "They talked to the coroner. It was murder." He choked on the word. "She was…Rose was murdered." They were nearly sure it couldn't have been health-related. Rose had been in the prime of her life, and always energetic, with no known hereditary illnesses. They thought it had to be something else entirely, but the word _Murder _was never fully formed in their minds.

Lily thought he was going to cry again. She thought she might, too.

"Not just random murder," he went on. "Th-they say it might've been someone she knew."

"Who could mom have known that would do this?" Lily whispered.

"Whoever it was," her father looked at the coffee in front of him seeming to notice it for the first time. He looked back up just to the right of Lily. She was used to him not looking straight at her lately. "Whoever it was, they left a—a mark. The inspectors found it on the back of a family picture's frame, I think. It was a drawing, or something."

"Of what?"

"A skull. With a snake for a tongue."

"Amee-liaaaaa," her mother called up from the bottom of the Gellars' staircase. "You're friends are here!"

Amelia was just putting her dark locks into a ponytail when Linda and Sirius broke into the room. "You're lucky I'm decent," Amelia joked.

Linda looked in the mirror Amelia was looking into and replied with, "No, _you're_ lucky. We wouldn't have knocked anyway." She picked up a pair of earrings on Amelia's vanity, put it up to her ears, and checked her reflection in the mirror. She approved. "Sirius is taking me to Trafulgar Square, and we were wondering if you'd like to tag along."

"Why are you going to Trafulgar Square?"

"To see if I can get Linda drunk before 2 pm," Sirius said almost seriously, leaning against the wall.

Linda ignored him, smiling. "Because we need to get out and have a good day. We'll be back in school pretty soon, and we've not really had a vacation."

Amelia wondered if they should feel guilty about having fun, for some reason. "Is Lily coming?"

Linda shook her head. "We went to call on her. She won't see anyone. Hasn't for days."

Sirius interrupted at Linda's somberness. "So, since she won't see us, and for lack of anything better to do, we're going to town. You coming or not?"

What the hell, Amelia thought. She agreed that they _did_ need to get out. She'd been waiting for word from Reg, but he was still avoiding her it seemed, and she really wanted to not think about that. "Just let me get my coat."

Sirius and Linda said that they'd wait for her downstairs.

Amelia got up from her vanity, walked over to the hook she hung her red cashmere coat on. Just when she wrapped herself in it, she heard a _thunk_. She looked down; there was something on the floor. A tiny box. Must've fallen out of her pocket. Kneeling down, she picked it up and examined it in her hand. She pulled open the black velvet top and inside was a thinnest of gold chains slithered on the tiny white cushion, and a simple heart ruby hanging from the end of it, sleeping inside the box. This was Reg's Christmas present. He hadn't given it to her before. She knew it was from him. It was exactly what he told her he was going to give her—Reg wasn't much for surprises.

It was in her coat pocket. Had he been in her room? How did he get in, and when had he come?

There was the smallest note inside with the necklace, so small that she had to squint to read it. _It has to be this way. Maybe one day you'll understand._

That's what the note said.

Amelia sat on the edge of her bed, forgetting all about the little, black, velvet box in her hand, and just staring at the note. This meant…

"Hey!" Linda's head poked in from the door. "What's taking so long?" She stepped inside the room when she noticed her friend's bloodless expression. "Anything wrong?"

Amelia looked up, and after a moment's thought replied, "Sudden headache. I don't feel up to going after all."

"Oh, that's too bad. I'll tell you mom, in case you want soup or medicine or something. We'll bring you back something from town. Feel better, Mel."

Amelia waited til her friend left to fall back on the bed. Reg was gone? He was. Really gone. And not coming back.

Was it something she said? She thought of how she had told him she loved him. Was that it? Maybe, but it had to be something truly big for him to leave town. To disappear. Maybe he didn't love me as much as I had thought. Or at all. Maybe my words were too little too late. Or unwanted. All this What-Iffing was tying her thoughts in knots and suffocating.

Looking at a picture of him beside her bed, she recalled his words. _"Now you tell me.."_ He had _known_ even then that he was leaving.

She was such a fool.

**

* * *

**

Take my photo off the wall If it just won't sing for you  
'Cause all that's left has gone away  
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done  
You've made a fool of everyone  
Oh well, it seems likes such fun  
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view  
'Cause I just can't think for you  
I can hardly hear you say  
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done  
You've made a fool of everyone  
Oh well, it seems likes such fun  
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done  
You've made a fool of everyone  
A fool of everyone  
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall  
If it just won't sing for you  
'Cause all that's left has gone away  
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done  
You've made a fool of everyone  
Oh well, it seems likes such fun  
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done  
You've made a fool of everyone  
A fool of everyone  
A fool of everyone

* * *

"You think Amelia will be alright?" Sirius asked.

Linda shrugged beside him. "I hope so. It seemed like more than just a headache. She seemed…I don't know. I'll check on her later. See if there's at least someone I can help, instead of feeling so useless."

"It's not your fault Lily won't see anyone," Sirius told her, knowing that's why Linda felt 'so useless.'

"She'll see James. He's the only one who's made it through her doors since the funeral."

"Only once, because he forced his way through, so don't get all crestfallen," Sirius assured her as they walked down Trafalgar Square. There wasn't many people out oddly enough, making the streets seem empty. The nearly black cobble-stones of the street protruded together like a sort of bubbling river, or a boiling pot being lowered to a simmer. And in the winter, with the snow everywhere, the place looked even more magical. "So how have _you _been?" Sirius asked, and added, "Apart from you being so damn useless."

Linda nudged him in the side. "I don't know. It's been like…ten days. I miss her and I'm sad but…I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to just stop living. Am I making any sense? I don't know that either. All I know is I needed to get out of the house.

Sirius grabbed her hand. "Well, let's get to it then, shall we? Which bar do you want to get drunk in first?"

Linda laughed outright and nudged him harder.

And as quick as she could, she picked up a handful of snow. Before she knew it, she had shaped it into a ball and threw it in Sirius's face.

Wiping the snow off his now-cold-as-hell face, he said dead-pan, "Oh, that's mature."

And before they knew it, they were in a snowball fight.

At one point, just as Linda was pulling her arm back to throw more snow, she slipped on some ice and slid forward…toppling Sirius over in the process.

He half-laid on top of her, their faces inches apart. _Damn, I'm a klutz,_ thought Linda as Sirius eyes just kept looking at her. He was smiling. "What?" she asked.

He smiled wider, and his hand reached over to her face, and brushed her light brown locks away. Nearly laughing he said, "You've got snow in your hair."

Time stood still for a minute. Did it? Well, the next thing Linda knew, Sirius got off of her, stood up, and reached for her hand to help her. As he pulled her up—his warm, strong fingers (that had just been running through her hair only moments ago) gripped gently yet firmly around her own slimmer ones—Linda knew she held on to Sirius's hand a few seconds too long. She cursed herself. Sirius didn't say anything. Linda couldn't think of anything to say either.

Sirius seemed uncomfortable, or awkward almost. But he never appeared awkward, but always cool and…right. He let go of her hand first.

James knocked—as he had been for the last ten minutes—on Lily's bedroom door. "Let me in. Lily, I brought you something to eat. Right. Just so you know, I'm not leaving here until you open this door, and I see you." No response. "I haven't seen you in a couple days, and I'm having Lily-withdrawal." His light-hearted comment didn't even get a breath of a response on the other side of the door. "Okay, I'm coming in. _Here I come_. Lily? I'm coming in. I mean it."

But of course he didn't really mean it, because Lily's door was kind of thick, and though he might be able to bring the door down, there was only a slim chance of succeeding with a great chance of heavy damage to his shoulder.

Instead, James waited (slumped on the ground now) with his tray of food, outside Lily's door. Until she chose to open it.

Must have been his lucky day. Because he only had to wait another fifteen minutes until he heard the lock in her door unclick. James scrambled to his feet and opened the door fast enough to find his best friend settling herself on her made bed. It was made, he knew, because she wasn't sleeping in it. She wasn't sleeping at all.

"Lil, I brought some—"

She pointed across the room. "Put it on the desk, James."

He walked over to her. Lily was staring out the window, at nothing in particular. There were bags under her red eyes. The greens of her irises seemed to lack luster, and she looked so tired. He hated to see her like this. When was the last time she'd slept? He could see her from his own bedroom. Her light never turned off at night because they were never on to begin with. Lily would just sit in the dark sometimes. More than once, he found her wearing the same thing she had from the day before.

"They say it's murder." Lily finally said, her voice painless now.

"How do they know?" James asked carefully.

She still stared out the window. "They found an occult mark. A skull with a snake for a tongue. Isn't that the Death Eater mark? I haven't told Dad about that last part yet."

The Deatheaters? thought James. What would they want from muggle-mother Rose Evans? Was this a random kill, or had they been instructed by their leader? This posed another question James was afraid to think: What would Lord Voldemorte want with Lily's mother?

"Lie down," James told her as he sat beside his friend, wanting to hold her, and changing the subject. "I want you to get some rest."

Lily shook her head so very slightly. "I see so many things when I sleep. And I'm tired of dreaming."

James looked around, as if trying to find an idea. "I won't leave until you rest," he stated simply.

Then, for the first time since James had walked in, Lily turned, her limp red hair falling to the sides of her face, and faced James. He'd never seen anyone look so tired. "Will you stay?" she asked, her voice steady. "Stay with me. Here."

Amelia picked at her dinner plate, not eating a bite, yet talking a mile a minute to her family about any subject that popped into her head. Maybe she thought the more she talked, the less she thought of him. Of Reg.

There was a knock at the door.

"Hi, Sirius," Amelia greeted when she opened the door.

* * *

**Authoress's notes:**

**To: Laurel, KJ, Lacey, Amanda, Hayley, Vick, Kelly, Samantha, Kait, Meg, Katie, Keeks, Kelly, Lydia, Pia, Sam, Kelly again, fish30, mello80, Kirsten, Paddy, The Miss Kaitlyn Mills, Robin a Bobbin...I LOVE YOU! Thanks for reading, reviewing and sticking around. I love you guys LOTS. Cookies to all**

**P.s. I'm excited about the next chapter. :Hums:**


	15. Robbed Goodbyes & Stolen Kisses

**This chapter is long overdue. Okay, this chapter's got a lot of…emotions, I guess. At least for my taste. But I had fun writing it—so much so, I'm nearly finished with the next chapter. So it'll be up much quicker. ;-) Love ya lots. –Feeney.**

**Last update (there was a typo last chapter—it was NOT the 12th): February 17th, 2005**

**This chapter update: March 18th, 2005****  
**

* * *

Sirius Black was standing on her porch. She noted that his broad shape took up most of the doorframe. "Hi, Sirius," Amelia greeted monotonously. 

"Hey," his right hand was hanging from his right jean pocket. "Can I come in?" he asked, even though he stepped in anyways. "So…How are you?"

"Um. Fine. I'm fine," Amelia answered. Of all people, what was Sirius Black doing here?

"Oh, good. That's good. So…you busy?"

"Just eating dinner."

"Oh. That's…good."

Amelia—convinced Sirius had something to say but wasn't saying it, and completely aware of her mother obviously eavesdropping in the other room (she could hear her shift her weight near the end of the hallway)—gestured her head sideways, toward the stairs and led him up.

When they got to her room, Sirius stepped right in, awkward and aware of everything around him. Funny, she thought. Sirius was never awkward.

He must've noticed her What-are-you-doing-here? look, because he said in an explanatory sort of way, "Just stopped by to see how you were doing. You didn't seem all there this morning."

"You wanted to see how I was doing?" Amelia repeated.

"Linda did," Sirius corrected too quickly. "But on the way back she seemed tired, so I dropped her off and told her I'd check in myself for her."

"Duty done, I guess." Amelia crossed her arms. She wished Linda, or anyone else, _had_ come. She could really use a friend at this moment. "You can tell her I'm fine."

"Are you?" As Sirius walked around her room, she thought how out-of-place he was in it. Too big for it. Too wrong in it. An aspect of her magical school world in the intimate sanctuary of her bedroom. He stopped by her dresser and looked down at a picture of Amelia and Reg stuck up on her mirror, between the glass and the wooden frame. He had her arm around her, and they were sitting on the large slabs of stone steps in front of the school.

Sirius took the picture from the mirror and held it in his hands, looking down at it the whole time. His holding her picture in his hand—especially the way he held things—was too intimate, she thought. She wanted the picture back. "I have something to tell you."

"Oh really?" Amelia asked, her eyebrows raised with feigned interest. Nothing today seemed important. Unless he was here to tell her that the boy she loved was coming back; but judging by Sirius's discomfort and tense disposition, she didn't dare hope. "What have you got to say to me, Sirius?"

"I got a call from my parents this morning." She could tell he spoke with his teeth slightly clenched. Like he hated admitting they were his parents or something. Or upset at the circumstances of their call, maybe. Or both. "Mel, what I've got to tell you…it's about Reg."

Amelia sighed. Old News, fella. "I already know."

"Know what?"

"About Reg. That he's missing. Well, rather, that he took off." Without saying a word, without Goodbye. He should've stayed, she thought. She didn't see any reason to leave.

Sirius, on the other hand, didn't seem surprised that she already knew. "How did you find out?"

"Doesn't matter," Amelia shrugged. "The jerk's gone, nothing we can do about it now," she said as she fiddled with her cuticles. But even Amelia knew that when she called Reg a 'jerk,' she didn't sound believable. Probably because she didn't mean it. She knew she didn't really think he was a jerk. He wasn't a jerk. He was Reg. And she just… She just missed him.

"I guess. I just thought I'd see how you were about it, then. I mean, normally I'd just think he's on one of his mysterious trips or something, and that he'll be back in a few days. But when my parents called me—_me_—worried about him, I knew it was serious. They would never have insulted themselves by calling me if it wasn't."

Amelia felt for the ruby necklace at her throat. Her belated Christmas present from Reg. She'd put it on because…well, she didn't even know why. "Sirius?" She swallowed the knot in her throat. She just wanted to ask. "I know you and him never got along—"

"You and the rest of England."

"But…even so…do you think he'll ever come back? I mean, probably not now, but…someday?"

She could tell he wanted to be supportive and assuring. But even Sirius Black couldn't tell a lie as big as the one she wanted to hear.

Instead he said, "He and I are so different…I couldn't even guess at what he plans to do."

* * *

_**Next Day.**_

Knock, knock.

Amelia looked at the clock in her room. 2:30pm. Grudgingly, she shuffled her way towards her door and opened it. Linda.

She looked sympathetic and worried, her honey brown eyes all big, and not a smile on her face where there usually was one. "I called Sirius. He told me what happened. Don't blame him," she added when she saw Amelia's unsure face. "I pushed and pushed until he told me."

"It's alright," Amelia shook her head slightly, moving to the side to let her friend in. "Everyone's bound to find out eventually."

"Like when Reg is absent from school for five months?" Linda pulled her hair back, sat on top of Amelia's unmade, mint-green bed, and dumped the contents of a brown paper bag she had with her on the bed. Looking up, she patted the space in front of her, gesturing Amelia to come sit. She did.

Then she saw what was in the bag Linda had brought. Red licorice and little blocks of chocolate. Amelia's favorite snacks and comfort foods all in one. "Now," Linda insisted, "Tell me all about it."

So Amelia did. Not that there was much to tell; she wasn't even sure what was really going on. All she knew was how much she'd fallen for Reg, how much she found herself missing him every time his name popped into her head or left her lips, and how suddenly she couldn't find him, he didn't answer her phone calls, and left that goodbye note along with his Christmas present for her. How she kept expecting him when the phone rang, or there was a knock at the door. She tried desperately not to cry.

While it was painful for her to even think about, let alone _talk_ about, she was grateful for a friendly face and an attentive ear. The universe seemed out of balance lately, and the toll they took for it was too high. Dead mothers, absent lovers, robbed goodbyes, and missing explanations for it all. And all that was left in the aftermath were devastated little girls crying in their bedrooms with no end as far as they could see.

* * *

She could tell it was light out before she even opened her eyes. And not 8am morning, but like…3pm afternoon.

Lily hadn't slept that well in ages. She knew it was because of him. Without thought, she curled her body into James's, who'd stayed the entire night beside her, bringing along with him so much needed comfort and safety.

Finally, she opened her eyes and looked up at James. He was already looking back at her, propped up on his elbow. "Thanks for staying," Lily said, her sleepy voice cracking.

James smiled tiredly and pushed her red hair back. "I'll stay again if you like."

Not answering him, Lily pulled the warm cover over her shoulder. She didn't want to get out of bed. She didn't want to leave him, in this moment. When she did, the whole world and its bittersweet realities would come rushing to find her. And Lily was in no hurry to go meet it.

But the moment she thought of everything else—the world—is the same moment it came to her. Her mother, the alleged murder, the mystery to be solved. Her broken father, a bitter sister who shows up at the worst times to get her daily dose of Randomly Snapping at Lily.

She closed her eyes, resting her head on James shoulder. "Did the police come yet?"

"I don't think so," he answered. "We would've heard them if they had."

Lily knew that meant they hadn't found anything new yet. Not a surprise if the mark in her parents' room really was a Death Eater mark. The image of the hollow-eyed skull with its slithery snake for a tongue flashed in her mind. "James," she began, lowering her voice, and forcing herself to ask. "What would death eaters want with my mom?"

"I don't know, Lil."

"Will you help me find out?" she asked, her voice even lower than before. She didn't know if it was fair to ask. But she couldn't think of anyone else who would be there like he could.

She felt James's chest rise as he breathed in deeply. He ran his hand up and down her arm slowly, gently. "If you need me to." Which was all she needed to hear. To know that there was still somethingsome_one_in this universe that she could still count on.

* * *

_**Later that evening…** (around seven o'clock)_

"Knock, knock." Linda tapped on Sirius's door and poked her head in. With her eyes shut dramatically, she called, "Better be decent."

"We both know you'd come in even if I wasn't," Sirius—in a thrown-on black sweater and jeans—teased as he opened the door wider and let her in, glad over this unexpected visit. He liked seeing Linda the most these days. She kept her spirits light, and was fun to be around (and wasn't hard on the eyes as far as Sirius was concerned), while no one else seemed to be that way lately. Needless to say, he liked spending time with her.

"So what brings you by here?" Sirius asked as he gathered some random trinkets from around the room and threw them in his trunk. It was only a matter of days before they were on their way back to school again.

Linda sighed deeply as she plopped herself on his bed, her honey-colored hair fanned out on his pillow. "Lack of anything better to do."

Sirius chuckled. He hadn't seen her since yesterday when they'd gone to town…and shared an awkward if not unexpectedly cozy moment together. But Linda was acting completely normal now, so Sirius decided to follow suit. "Of course. So how's Amelia?"

"Just came back from seeing her, actually." Linda rubbed her face, like the memory alone was a tiring experience. "She was really, um…"

"Heartbroken?" she heard him say as he packed things in the brown, wooden and metal trunk.

"Well, wouldn't you be?"

"If Reg broke up with me?" Sirius looked over his shoulder at her and really couldn't help but laugh outright. "Hell no."

"You know what I mean." Linda sat up. "It's just so wrong what he did to her."

"I agree."

"I almost can't believe it. But I guess there's a lesson to be learned from it."

"There is?" he asked as he came and sat down next to her on the bed.

"Well, maybe it's a dumb way to think," Linda couldn't help but say, "but when it comes to love and relationships, I think people should stop letting things happen to them and just _make_ things happen instead," At this, she looked up at Sirius, who seemed stunned by her words, almost like he was really considering it. "Take the initiative," she added, "otherwise you may end up like poor Amelia whose relationship fell apart with her picking up the pieces and not knowing how it broke in the first place."

Now she noticed that Sirius was looking at her. And quite thoroughly, she noted. Like he was considering her for…something. She was instantly uncomfortable.

Linda stood up slowly, leaving his side. But Sirius's eyes, she noticed, never strayed from her body, but rather kept a firm concentration on it. She never liked people watching…_studying_ her like that. It was prying, she thought, and she didn't like it. It was like that person could see her, _really _see her—all flaws included, and for her it was one of the most uncomfortable thoughts in the world.

She wasn't even facing him as she walked towards the opposite side of the room, as if the distance from him would stop this mysterious knot in her stomach.

"So you think," Sirius's voice was smooth, "that a person should act on their feelings? Like, if someone might like a certain person, that the someone should do something about it?"

Yes, that's what she'd meant. But the way he was saying it now made Linda feel like he was using her words against her somehow. Sirius stood up and, as Linda had feared, walked steadily towards her. They locked eyes; each held the other's gaze, keeping an intense contact. She felt bare, exposed. Like he could see every thought in her head right at this moment. "Say something," she whispered.

He smiled, his puzzling smile. "Say what?"

"Anything." Linda felt her chest tighten, like a small girdle having to cinch in a rather large, fat woman. She steeled herself against the wall. "Let's not do anything we're going to regret," she breathed, her chest rising in near-panic.

Sirius stepped closer. Closer. His dark sultry brown eyes were staring directly into her honey ones, gazing at her. But her attention kept being brought down to the small curve of a smile his lips formed. "What would we regret?"

"This," she whispered, her eyes now completely focused on his pillow soft lips. Which were fighting the urge to smile and failing miserably. He brought a hand to her shoulder so gently she barely knew it was there.

"But we haven't done anything yet," he whispered back to her. Closer.

Linda swallowed a lump in her throat. "We_ will_."

"I don't think we will," Sirius said in a deep, seductive voice. He leaned down towards her, his other hand brushing against her cheek and moving so his fingers were in her hair. Linda could almost feel his kiss before it'd happened; they were standing closer than she had ever stood with him before. She couldn't help but notice his thick black eyelashes, or the feel of his strong hand running slowly through her hair.

And with him so sinfully close, looking at her like he was and running his hand in her hair and his gorgeous eyes and his kissable lips that curved perfectly and his black sweater clinging to what she was sure must be the firmest sculpted chest and the entire moment being so bizarre yet as tempting as it was…she wondered how she could be thinking any of these things at all.

His mouth was practically on hers, waiting for hers to close the gap. Finally, with a surge of daring, she moved forward ever so slightly, and kissed—_kissed_ Sirius Black.

And Sirius's lips were the softest she'd ever felt.

* * *

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Authoress's note: **

**I just want to thank all of you guys for reading because I just checked my "Stats" and saw that I'm on the Author Alert watch of all my readers. THANKS. :Kisses and hugs and loads of ice cream-dipped cookies:**

**Shoutouts:**

**Laurel**—fudge cookies! Oh, you know how to spoil me.

**Paddy**—And pie! Ooh, I love you readers. And I know Voldemorte doesn't have an 'e' at the end of it, but I can't help it. I just automatically type it that way. But I'll try to get it right. (Sometimes I add an 'e' to the end of "with." You know what I mean?).

**Lacey**—I think my favorite thing that you said was "Frigger." Oh my Gawd, I am SO using that! LoL. Frigger…:walks away giggling:

**Kait**—So you're a Amelia/Sirius shipper? Good for you. Have a pin:offers S/A buttons: I myself can't decide what I am. Sirius/Linda, Sirius/Amelia, Sirius/ME, I mean….so much to choose from. ;)

**Vick**—hope you had fun at that party. And kudos on that "weee!" LoL.

**Kj**—No, not Barry. That's Rod Stewart. _Have I told you lately that I love you…_ Crazy that I know.

**Steph**—Good guess. ;)

**Nour**—Heey! where are you from? Thanks soooo much for reading and I'm so completely glad you like the story. Pull up a chair, have a soda.

**Kirsten**—Ew, you have calculus? My condolences. I'm SO glad that I don't take that anymore. Now I take like…Finite Mathematics or something. I don't know how to explain it, but as long as it doesn't have sine or cosine, I am more than happy. Hope your senior year is still going great!

**Sam**—I know, it—aka the last chapter—_was _a bit short, but…Well. But this one's longer than before and I'm hoping the next is even longer. And you know what helps me when I write? Those virtual sweets you guys keep sending. Nudge, nudge. LoL. :crosses fingers:

**Me'shell**—I hope you found the story okay.

**Missers**—Heeeeeeeeeey. Ah! Cookies and milk, you rock. The shirtless fight b/w the brothers will have to be postponed. Don't worry ;). There are lots more hotties around with full-on shirtless potential. Oh, and I read your review and nearly dropped my sandwich. I got you to _giggle_? GIGGLE? Over a Linda/Sirius scene? Well. My job's done here. Goodbye, world. ;-)

**Katie**—That list of "words you can make with Meha's name" thing you had going there? Are half of them even real words? But I like your word "Mehaish." LoL, I just thought it was hilarious. And wearing those traveling pants, I see. :Nods: Keep up the good work, fellow club member. Anywho, I just loved your review; it was too amusing. Oh, and did you put the red in your hair yet? How is it—nice? (I've always wanted to have red hair and then wear black; that is sooo cute).

**Keeks**—yeah, that was a typo; nothing's wrong with your comp. I had meant to get that chap up earlier, but you know how things get. Oh and about the Reg/Mel thing? I'm gonna let you in on a lil secret—it's SO far from ending (whether it ends well or not is still to be determined…).

**Amanda**—Aha, so you're warming up to Reg's character, eh? The whole bad-boy-seeking-redemption thing. Yeah, I see how that's hot. ((I mean who _wasn't_in love with Angel from Buffy? HAWT)).

**Hayley**—You said in your review, because of the sadness of chapter 14, that I would have to "make something REALLY happy happen to make up for it." :Winks: I hope this chappy did. Or, the end at least.

**Kelly (**sweety5721—I know you haven't seen me online so much. Every time I sign on AIM or sign off, my entire comp freezes. Oh, and you sent in your college applications? Decided which one you're going to yet?

**Meg**—Of COURSE I'm writing more Sirius! What kind of question is that? I should make you go in the corner, think about what you just said. :slides her a extra chunky chocolate chip cookie anyway:

**Kellers**—Oh, trust me, I know better than to end this fic. Aside from the fact that I love writing it, I'm actually afraid you'll come and kick my ass. LoL.

**K**aitlyn—Yes, I realize that only the first letter in your name is bold. I don't know why; my keyboard just did it by itself, I swear, but I'm too lazy to go back to fix it. Also, I think it looks cool. Anywho, Hen, I loovee yoou. ((And I ended up ditching the Taco Bell idea and went to Mcdonald's because Taco Bell is 2 blocks farther)).

**Thanks to everyone else for reviewing; sorry I didn't get an individual shout-out to you—I'm kind of being kicked off the comp as we speak. Love ya lots. xoxo.**


	16. Hop on a Train Back to Normal

**Chapter 17:**

**Last chapter update: March 18th, 2005**

**This chapter update: April 29th, 2005**

**This chapter is mainly S/L. You can read all about the rest of the characters' stories in the next chapter. Btw—why do computers suck? If you find out, please tell me. I nearly slapped myself, my computer, my family, and the mailman because of this damn thing and the psychological harm it caused on me. Mwa. …Meha.**

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**Recap:**  
He leaned down towards her, his other hand brushing against her cheek and moving so his fingers were in her hair. Linda could almost feel his kiss before it'd happened; they were standing closer than she had ever stood with him before. She couldn't help but notice his thick black eyelashes, or the feel of his strong hand running slowly through her hair…

His mouth was practically on hers, waiting for hers to close the gap. Finally, with a surge of daring, she moved forward ever so slightly, and kissed—_kissed_ Sirius Black.

_And Sirius's lips were the softest she'd ever felt._

**-----**

His hands ran up along her sides… she was breathing fast, against his chest. Oh God, what was she doing here? Here, in Sirius Black's arms.

Suddenly, his hands—strong, capable, and slow, so slow—were on her hips. Her arms instinctively wrapped around his neck.

What was this? How'd she—him—_they_ get here?

All at once, Linda was aware of everything. She could feel the heat emanating from Sirius. She could feel his heart pound against the inner wall of his chest. Or it was her chest. Or both.

God, he tasted so good. Like mint and champagne. She breathed in his subtle smell, which was like warm cinnamon. She felt his hands push against the small of her back, bringing her body closer to his. The kiss intensified. His pillow-soft lips held firmly against her own. His broader, larger frame colliding with hers.

She saw where this was going.

Surprisingly, though, it was Sirius who began to pull away first (even if it was with a sort of obvious reluctance). He let her go, their lips slowly unlocking. Slowly.

Her eyes were hesitant to open. But when they did, she saw that Sirius's seductive…_mysteriously captivating_ face was practically on top of her own, having not pulled away far at all. She had him so close. His sultry chocolaty eyes made her feel lost and unbalanced. Luckily, his arms were still around her waist.

Oh God, she'd just _kissed_ Sirius. Why had she come over tonight in the first place? She couldn't remember. It sure wasn't for _that._ But gathered in his arms now, hearing his a-little-faster-than-normal breathing (from all that intense lip-locking), looking at his beyond gorgeous face, his oh-so-soft lips that she was going crazy not touching right now, the pieces of his dark hair that fell into his just as dark eyes… she thought she could still taste him on her suddenly swollen lips.

She felt him lightly press his forehead against hers, his eyes still looking into her own. "God," he sighed, breathlessly. Almost smiling. "Hi."

Instinctively, she bit her bottom lip, temporarily filling it with blush. Then she looked at _his_ bottom lip—which was a mistake. Perfectly curved and plump… she just had to. She brought her thumb to his lips and traced them from the bottom to his top, as Sirius stood still enough for her to do this. "Hi, you," she sighed back.

And without another word or breath, his lips were back on hers as he gently kissed her again.

* * *

**Next Day.**

Mindlessly, Linda began her packing, folding her shirts and skirts impeccably, packing her uniform and books. By this time tomorrow, she—along with all the other Hogwarts students—would be on a train, on their way back to school. Usually she'd be thinking about how sad it was that the Winter Break was over. Or how much it sucked that she was going back to cruel tests, impossible homework assignments, tedious classes, and the irritating pressures of high school. But the sadness never came. And it didn't suck to be going back.

She was glad the break was over. Considering what happened—a funeral during Christmas was a memory everyone was only too happy to forget. And along with her best friend's boyfriend's mysterious disappearance…the drama of late was getting intense, and Linda was relieved to be able to hop a train back to normal. She just wanted to forget everything from these last few weeks.

Well.

Maybe not everything.

Yes, even as she packed during her last hours of vacation, her mind kept repeating last night. And what'd happened. And the more she thought about it, the sexier she thought Sirius Black was.

She just…couldn't get his face out of her head. Or the feel of his lips on hers. All last night, those dark eyes of his—thinly veiled by the graceful fall-forward sweep of his hair, haunted her. Linda felt foolish. _Get a grip,_ she thought to herself. She knew she shouldn't get so worked up over some kiss with some guy. An amazing…over the top, melt-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hand, kind of kiss with some guy, at least. With a great guy. With Sirius.

She had never suspected she'd ever go there with Sirius. Or, had she? The more she thought about it, the more she wasn't sure this was wholly unexpected. A part of her must've known all along how all of this was going to end, where it would lead. She was spending so much time with Sirius lately. Being together…sharing confidences…sharing smiles…glances…_kisses_…DOTDOTDOT. She _had_ to have known it would lead to this.

And maybe she did, on some level at least. Or _hoped_ it would lead to it. She had _liked_ when he kissed her on the cheek goodbye sometimes. Or when he flirted wickedly with her. She liked when he twirled her hair around his fingers. Liked when he looked at her in the way that only he could, in the only way that made her blush so much it hurt. She liked a lot of things about Sirius.

And God, did she like how he felt.

It seemed silly now, looking back at the memory of their kiss. She'd just _left_. When they'd pulled away the second time, she remembered staring at him, afraid to look away. If it was only minutes, it seemed like _years._ But then she heard a voice or something, coming from his desk. He'd reluctantly left her to go to his desk, and ended up pulling a palm-sized mirror, from what she saw, out and talking into it or something. But then again, her head was spinning at that point, so her account wasn't too reliable. Anyways, while he was occupied, she mumbled a quick "Goodbye, talk to you tomorrow," prayed he heard it, and slipped out. She was too embarrassed or something to just stick around.

She wondered what he was thinking, if he was thinking about it at all. Jeez, if she saw him, what would she say? What would HE say?

Damn. Here's to the drama of it all.

* * *

**Sirius.**

He wished she hadn't just left. He wished she'd stayed a bit longer. Sirius spent half the night thinking about her, what kissing her meant, and the light, sweet honey color of her eyes. Not being one who just sat back and waited, Sirius finished getting ready to go see Linda to talk—well, maybe not _just_ talk—when the door opened.

Remus. "Hey," his friend had nonchalantly walked in, nodding at Sirius. Lord, he'd forgotten about Remus. "I'm bored out of my mind and haven't decided whether I want to laze about on my last day of freedom or actually spend it doing something." He fell back on Sirius bed, running a hand through his sandy hued hair, and propped up on an elbow, facing Sirius.

Sirius smiled weakly. "Well, I've never been one to sneer at a good day wasted."

Remus nodded, deciding. "Laze about it is, then." He looked at Sirius, dressed pretty put-together in his charcoal grey sweater and jeans. "Going somewhere?"

Sirius hesitated a second too long, he knew, but he didn't think Remus noticed. "Um, just going to step out for a while. Got, um, errands to run, rubbish like that."

Remus didn't seem to hear him. "Oh, right, have fun," he answered half-heartedly. They went on to have another half-hour of small talk and rubbish. But Sirius couldn't remember later what they had even spoken about.

All he could think about was how STUPID he must be to have kissed his best friend's girl. Of all the girls—_Remus's._ Sure, the two weren't going out anymore—actually they'd split up months ago. But that was beside the point. Whether he still was or not, Remus had been in LOVE with Linda. And here was Sirius, stealing kisses behind Remus's back. Friends just didn't do that to friends.

Sirius felt vile. How could he have forgotten Remus? How could he have seen a girl—no matter how beautiful or exciting he thought she was—and have wanted her without thinking about his friend, his _best_ friend? He knew if Remus found out, he wouldn't exactly smile and slap Sirius on the back. He also knew that Remus would never _ever_ have done this to him. For one, there was the unspoken yet very much existent Guy Code to consider. Rule #1: Stay the HELL away from your friend's girl.

After Remus had cut his visit short and left, Sirius made his way to Linda's. Her voice was ringing in his head. Sirius might not have known better, but Linda sure did. When he'd approached her, she'd warned him, "Let's not do anything we'll regret." And like a jackass, he promised her that they wouldn't. To think he'd spent a sleepless night dwelling on a dream that should never have been thought up in the first place. Thoughts of her that he was never meant to have had. He was almost near her home now. This morning he'd known exactly what he was going to say and do. Now, all he could do was jam his fists into his pockets, kick the ground, and curse the sky.

* * *

Okay, so she wasn't home. Her mom said something about checking up on Lily, making sure she was all packed as well.

That's alright; he supposed that he could always just talk to her tomorrow, on the train.

* * *

**Next Day. On the Train.**

Sirius sat in his compartment with Remus and Peter (who'd decided to grace them with his presence for once). They were a bit early—Peter wanted to get one of the more comfortable compartments so he could stretch and sleep if he wanted to. All Sirius had to do now was wait til Linda got here, take her aside, tell her he's sorry about what happened and it was wrong and they should just stay friends. Yeah, that's what he'd say. All he had to do was wait for her to come.

But by the time James had come, and Lily, and fifteen minutes later, it seemed Sirius had had enough waiting. Instead, he said, "Later," to the guys in the compartment, and stepped out into the hall, almost crashing into a student with a duffel and the candy cart lady. He walked down the narrow hall of the train, passing compartments and compartments full of students, and just when he'd found an empty one, he nearly bumped into—well Fate be damned—Linda.

"Hi," she started, obviously surprised to be bumping into him.

"Oh. Hi." He said back.

Seconds passed. "Oh, I heard you stopped by yesterday; sorry I didn't call you or something—you know, things came up…got busy with packing and last minute vacation homework." She tucked her hair behind her ears while Sirius rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.

_Forget this awkward crap_, Sirius thought to himself, and then took Linda by the arm and pulled her into the empty compartment they'd stopped in front of.

"Okay, I've got to talk to you," he told her. _Okay, now I just have to tell her that what we did was a mistake and that we should stay friends and pretend it never happened and just…yeah. _

"Oh," she looked concerned. "Is it about—"

"Yeah," Sirius sat down on the bench in the compartment, followed by Linda who sat on her side, "It is. About me kissing you. " Ok, if you do it fast, like a bandage, it'll be quick and over. She'll understand, and Remus won't hate him. But he couldn't help but feel like it was a lose-lose situation. "I'm sorry I did it."

Linda nodded slowly, not showing whether she was angry or maybe relieved. Just… restrained. "You are."

"Uh, yeah." He pushed his hair back and rested his elbows on his knees as he tried to explain. "I mean, I don't regret that it happened, I guess. I just…well—Linda, you _have_ to know why we can't…_do that_ again. Why it shouldn't have happened."

She narrowed her eyes a bit, while her arms snaked across her chest and folded themselves. "What do you mean, I _have_ to know why? What should I know, Sirius?" she asked evenly.

"Oh, come on, Linda."

"Don't 'Oh, come on,' me," she reacted.

Sirius's chest tightened. Taking a very deep breath, he said, "Look. I spent the past two nights just thinking about you."—At this, he noticed Linda's face slightly change—"The day after we kissed, I'll admit, I couldn't wait to see you. But then I saw Remus and I thought to myself, 'What kind of friend am I?' I mean, the fact that I kissed you—and it was very much my idea, I think—what does that say about the kind of person I—"

"Are you serious?" Linda cut in.

Sirius wasn't sure how to answer that. "Well, I'm not joking."

Linda's eyes were narrowed, between annoyance and confusion. "It was a kiss. ONE kiss," she stated, like it wasn't a big deal. "Besides, you think that it's positively forbidden for you to ever like _any_ of your friends' Ex-girlfriends? And note my emphasis on EX."

"Of course it is. A guy just doesn't mess with his best friend's girl."

"I hope you realize how stupid that sounds," she was almost yelling, and Sirius thought anybody outside might be able to hear. "If you were to avoid every girl all your friends ever went out with, then you'll probably end up dating—gawd!—Peter!" She threaded her fingers fast and frustratedly through her light brown hair, like she usually did when she was going to just scream at the top of her lungs or she thought her head was going to explode. Like checking to make sure there were no cracks in the foundation, or something. "And do I _look_ like I've got PROPERTY OF REMUS LUPIN stamped on my forehead?" She folded her arms again across her chest. "Well? Do I?"

He was afraid to answer.

"Whatever, I don't even care," Linda turned away to leave. "It's evident you didn't either."

He couldn't just let her leave. Not like this. "That's not it, Linda." He touched her arm, gently pulling her back. She was looking straight at him now, and when she did that, he couldn't think of Remus, or think of anything for that matter except for one thing.

So that's why he kissed her.

Again.

In the train compartment.

But he probably wouldn't have done it if he'd known who was standing just outside the door, seeing Linda gathered in Sirius's arms and pressed against each other yet again.

"**Absolutely Zero" –Jason mraz**

You

You are a friend

You are a friend of mine

I let you spend the night

You say it was my fault

Of course it was mine

I do hard at work

You ever heard of anything so absurd

Ever in your life?

I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Who am I to say this situation isn't great

When it's my job to make the most of it

Of course I didn't know it that it would happen to me

Nothing easy

Hey, what's that you say?

You're not blaming me for anything oh that's great

but I don't break that easily

does it fade away?

So that's why I'm apologizing now for telling you I thought that we could make it

I just don't get enough to believe that we both changed

See, who am I to say this situation isn't great

It is my time to make the most of it of course I didn't know that it would happen to me

Nothing easy, no, no, no…

If all along that fault is up for grabs why can't you have it

If it's for sale what is your offer

I will sell it for no less than what I bought it for

Pay no more than absolutely zero

Well, neither one of us deserves the blame

But because opportunities moved us away

It's not an easy thing to learn to play

A game that's made for two

that two will be the rules that made history

see that was easy

see, who am I to say this situation isn't great

it's our time to make the most of it, how could we ever know that this would ever happen to me

not that easy, no

no. no, no

when all along the fault is up for grabs and there you have it

it's for sale go make your offer

will I sell for no less that what I bought it for

pay no more than absolutely zero


	17. My 2 year anniversary

**May 3rd marked the 2 year anniversary of this story. I am so happy and proud that you guys have been with me--new and old readers--and I'm happy to write this story and will keep on writing as long as people read it.**

**My speech sucks but it's what I wanted to say. This is the one thing that gives me alot of satisfaction and you guys are what make it happen. Love you lots.**

**And while every last one of you holds a special place with me, I have to shout out to Kaitlyn, who's been with me since the beginning.**

**Kisses. Meha.**

**P.s. Here's to many more years to come. :Cheers:. Party on.**


	18. Say Goodbye to Innocence

**Chapter 18.**

**Shoot me dead if i ever EVER take this long to post again, k? **

**So...shall we?**

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He was kissing her. Again. How could he do this, just after he said he wouldn't? But he had to admit, she felt wonderful pressed up against him now. Sirius's fingers were threading through Linda's silk-soft hair, her chest breathing against his. He didn't want to _not_ touch her. But finally, he had to pull away.

"It wasn't that I didn't care," he corrected. Sirius's voice was husky, out of breath. He was still touching her, not wanting to let go just yet. "But you understand…about where we stand, and Remus…right?"

Linda sighed. She was looking at him; she kept her eyes on his bottom lip. "I'm sick of understanding." And her lips were pressed back on his. Hearts racing, intensity heightening, and emotions rushing, the passion between them was undeniable. His fingers brushed along her side; hers curled in around his neck.

Finally, after another looong while, they both pulled away, though still reluctantly. Sirius's hair was noticeably messier than its usual long casually-in-place look; Linda's lips were redder--to her, they felt swollen from all the kissing. Clumsily, considering they were on a speeding train, Linda sat on one side of the forgotten compartment and Sirius sat across from her.

"We're going to have to establish some rules," he breathed, leaning his head back, looking up at the ceiling. _Maybe it isn't safe_, he said to himself,_ to look directly at her._

**...scene...**

Remus, James, Lily, Amelia, were all sitting cramped on one side of the compartment; Peter took up the entirety of the other side while he slept. The ride was bumpy, the compartment too hot, and cramped between the four current occupants.

"I'm excited to get back to school," Amelia said cheerily, even though it was hot and crowded in the tiny room that seemed more and more like a broom closet as more time passed amongst them.

James looked incredulously at her. "Excited about school? You are an odd one, aren't you?" he asked, jokingly.

Amelia was holding back a smile, but she was clearly beaming. But in a nervous sort of way, it seemed. "I haven't seen some of these people in nearly a month, that's all. Have some catching up to do." She was twisting her fingers in her lap uneasily, but with the corners of her lips twitching, nearly failing to hold back that smile.

"It's close quarters in here," Lily said shortly, picking up her bag and the autobiography she'd been reading. "I'll be in the Heads compartment."

"Wait for me," James dutifully followed, figuring once Sirius and Linda got back, it would be even tighter in here. Where _were_ those two, anyway?

* * *

_**Back in Sirius and Linda's compartment.**_

"So, it's settled?" he asked, his eyebrows raised slightly, one of his hands coolly in his pocket, both sleeves of his shirt rolled just below the elbow.

They were standing, facing each other, but both careful not to get…attached. It was settled; the situation did seem complicated, and while Linda convinced herself that she wouldn't—nor did she have a responsibility to—care how Remus would feel about the situation. But Sirius felt strongly about it, and she wouldn't force or ask him to do something that would jeopardize a lifelong friendship. Plus, what girl wants to beg the boy she likes to like her back?

"Yeah," Linda answered him. Her hands were hanging at her sides, partly because she awkwardly didn't know where to put them; a few minutes ago, they'd been running through Sirius's hair. A part of her was mortified, another frustrated with Sirius's cavalier manner. First _he_ kisses _her_. Then takes it back, then kisses her again, and is now taking it back again. _Idiot_. "I think I got the gist."

He looked like he wanted to say something more. He didn't open his mouth to speak; it was just something in his eyes…the way he looked at her. That way that _drove her crazy_. What did he want to say? _What,_ Linda screamed at him in her mind_, do you want to say?_

After a few more seconds of a chance, he still kept silent. Linda sighed. Disappointed. "Guess I'll just see you later, then." She took a step towards the door to leave.

"We have to share a compartment with the others," he spoke, deep brown eyes never wavering. "Remember?"

Damn. "Right," she remembered, turning back towards him without thinking. Double sigh. "Fine. That's, um, fine, then." She'd do anything to already be back at school. A whole ride back to Hogwarts sitting across from the boy that was basically screaming STAY AWAY FROM ME was going to be anything but _fine._

But before she could turn her back to him again and get the hell out of there, Sirius raised a hand, like he was going to touch her face or something, or push her hair sweetly away. She held her breath. _Stop looking at me like that, _she thought, _otherwise I won't be able to leave. _But like he realized what he was doing, he pulled his hand back at the absolute last second, and…nothing. That was it, the gesture left unborn.

Linda did turn around, and left the compartment.

…**scene…**

Sirius returned to the gang's compartment, rubbing the back of his neck like there was a pain in it. He sat down, pushing a sleeping (and snoring) Peter's legs out of the way forcefully. He leaned his head back, thinking.

"Gone a while, eh?" Remus remarked casually, while he sat back, reading.

"Yeah, and what of it?" Sirius snapped. Uncalled for, but he wasn't in the best of moods right now. The reason being indirectly because of Remus.

"Now, don't you go getting your panties in a bunch," Remus mocked, with a hint of a smile on his face.

Amelia, the only other person in the room, raised her eyebrows. "O-kay. Well. I'm going to just…let you two swing those things around," she muttered under her breath. "Be back later." She got up and left the compartment.

Sirius sat back in silence, still reeling. But the silence, of course, didn't last long at all.

"So..." Remus flipped a page in his book. He was reading Stevenson's _Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. _"Cassandra Cooper from Ravenclaw stopped by the compartment and asked for you."

Sirius could hear the smirk in his voice from where he sat, even over Peter's lulling snores. Sirius cleared his throat, his voice forcefully disinterested. "Cassandra?"

"Short dark hair, green eyes, has that laugh that makes you want to yell 'FINALLY' once she's gone."

Oh. Cassandra Cooper. Sirius pictured her in his mind. Yeah, she was pretty—very eye-catching. But Remus was right—her giggle (forced, high-pitched, and always lasted too long) could gnaw away at your nerves. These days, it seemed, she was more than far from Sirius's type.

"What'd you tell her?" Sirius asked.

"Don't worry, I was vague. Said that you'd stepped out, and were probably wandering around the train. But she kept talking—about how she'd gone to Paris for Christmas, and if you'd met anyone over the break, if you were still seeing that person now. Then, finally, she left. Something shiny must've stolen her attention."

"Probably," Sirius smiled slightly.

"I left to look for you, in case she decided to come back." Though Remus sat back and seemed to be talking casually, Sirius suspected his tone was more…searching.

Remus had gone _looking _for him? Had he found him—together with Linda—and all this comfortable chatting was a lead-up to the big explosion? He ran a hand through his thick, dark hair. "Did you?"

Remus put down his book, looking directly at Sirius. "Imagine my surprise."

What had he seen? Sirius's stomach felt light, like he was on a rollercoaster, and he was just about to go down the big, steep, drop.

"So, 'fess up," Remus said, leaning forward slightly. _Jesus_, Sirius gritted his teeth, _Confess. _"Who was the girl?"

Sirius blinked. Twice. "The girl…"

"The one you were snogging as if you'd just broken out of Azkaban after a five-year sentence? Yes, that's the girl I mean."

Sirius _nearly _collapsed back on the chair; it was all he could do to keep himself standing straight up and not give himself away. Remus had seen him kissing Linda—_Sirius's most recent worst fear come true—_only, he hadn't seen her face. Thank God. Sirius's chest lightened now—a second ago, it had felt as if someone had been sitting on it. But he felt guilty in his relief. Remus wore a grin of a good friend wanting to hear his best friend's good news. Sirius couldn't believe his rotten luck. His friend was sitting here, asking who the girl was. Simple: The girl was Linda. _It was your ex-girlfriend, Remus, you know, the one you had been seeing for months…your first serious relationship in a long time…the person you'd once said was the love of your life…yeah. It was her. I was just being a first-class prat by moving in on her. You don't mind, do you, buddy? Fantastic._

But of course, before he could say any of that (like he ever could), Remus continued. "You must have a full plate if I'm sent as errand-boy to fetch you for one girl, and stumble upon you making out in a compartment with another. Sure keep busy. I mean, we haven't even gotten back to _school_ yet." Remus chuckled. "What record are you trying to break?"

"I do seem to have a knack of getting myself into interesting situations, don't I?" Sirius remarked bitterly. He couldn't even look at him.

"Still haven't answered the question the people want to know," Remus slapped Sirius on the back. "Who _is_ she?" Smiling, he added, "You know, the girl who seemed to take an absolute fancy to you—and don't blush; you like her, too. _A lot_. At least, loads more than that Cassy Cooper chit, I can tell."

_Could you, Remus?_

"Just a girl, alright?" Sirius whipped. Steadier, he continued. "It doesn't matter, because it's not going anywhere. Whatever it was…it's over, I guess you could say."

"Over? Looked like you were just starting."

"No," Sirius cleared his throat. "That was a sort of goodbye. So, Cassandra asked about me, huh? What'd she say, again?"

They talked mindlessly about the Ravenclaw girl, and other mindless things, in a mindless way. Sirius was disappointed. He didn't want the Ravenclaw girl—right now, he didn't want any of them. But the one girl he did want, and wanted him back, was the one he couldn't have.

* * *

**Around fifteen minutes _earlier_.**

Amelia left the boys and stepped out of the compartment. Just as she'd closed the door behind her, she didn't notice the person walking in her direction.

It was a very dim-looking Linda.

"So, decided to make an appearance?" Amelia teased. Linda blushed suddenly. Where had she been all this time? "You've been gone for awhile."

"Huh? Oh yes. Sorry. What'd you ask, I missed it."

"Just wondering what kept you."

"Oh." Linda paused. For a second, Amelia thought Linda's forgotten where she'd been. "I was dawdling, I suppose."

"For nearly an hour?"

Linda smiled unconvincingly. She shot half a glance towards the closed compartment door.

Amelia's cheeky smile faded. "Y'alright? You look… distracted."

Her head snapped back to face Amelia. "Wh—distracted? Um, sure. Yes. Well, I'm, uh, trying to remember if I p-packed everything. And I took long before because I stopped to, you know…catch up with a few people. Then I was looking for the, um, candy cart. I've got such a sweet tooth, you know. But right now, I just want to get in the compartment and lie down, I'm so tired." She chuckled weakly, though Amelia didn't know why. She fleetingly wondered if Linda had drunk anything suspicious…

"Well what'd you buy?"

Linda raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"From the candy cart, I mean. Where's your candy?"

Linda blinked twice. Then quickly—a little too quickly—replied, "Changed my mind." She looked down at her hands—like she'd expected something to be there. "Well, one look at all that sugar and I decided against it. Could make your teeth rot, and hell, it goes straight to the hips, right?"

Amelia nodded in agreement, and said, "Mhhmm, whatever you say," but was too distracted by Linda's behavior. She seemed nervous, and her eyes were darting around. Like her mind was thinking about something else. Or looking for some_one_ else. And was her hair _mussed_?

"You _sure _everything alright, Linda?" she asked.

Her straight honey-brown hair fell into her eyes when she shook her head. "Oh, yeah, fine. I'm just….I'm just thinking abou—" but mid-word, she looked at Amelia and, changing the subject, asked, "—You just came out of the compartment, where were you going?"

Amelia hadn't really planned on going anywhere. She'd just wanted to get out of the compartment for a while. "Sirius and Remus are talking. So I just up and left for now—"

She thought she noticed Linda's face flushed. "Sirius and Remus are in there? Both of them?"  
Amelia nodded absentmindedly as she said, "Well, actually, I wouldn't mind a few extra sugar quills for during class—"

With new energy, Linda suggested, "Great, I'll go with you to get some from the candy cart."

"But you were just there—and if you're tired and want to sit in the compartment, go right ahe—"

"Why would I be tired? I'm fine—now let's get those sugar quills."

…**scene…**

The Head compartment was fairly quiet, except for James shuffling in his seat every now and then.

James had followed Lily into the Heads' compartment. He'd just grown accustomed to looking out for her these past few weeks. Aside from the devastation from the death of her mother, there was still the very real fact that her murderer was still out there. And the death mark found in her parents' room pretty much proved that the murderer was apart of the Wizarding world—the world she had always loved being apart of from September to June. Right now, Lily was looking, staring, out the compartment window, which took up most of the width of the wall, and watched the lush green countryside pass by in one big blur.

James sat beside Lily, rather than across from her. She was silent, looking out. Most of the time, he didn't know what to do. She was so quiet all the time, so reserved and inside herself. While this was not wholly unexpected, it didn't make things any less confusing. James spent all the time he could spare with her, hoping he could draw her out. That his Lily would…come back. Just a little. He was always hoping for a change.

"We'll probably be back at school in a bit, I think," James said, breaking the silence. He ran a hand through his black hair, rumpling it up absentmindedly.

After what seemed like a long while, Lily replied dully, leaning somewhat into James's warm shoulder, "Wake me when it's time to change into our robes." And that was the last thing he heard her say the rest of the trip.

The smallest of smiles tugged at the corners of James's mouth. She was almost leaning against him as she shut her eyes. James nearly moved in a few inches so she could really rest on him. _At least she's not pulling away. _While he was glad that even this tiniest of signs satisfied him for now, he still worried if he'd ever see her laugh again. Smile, without the shadow of pain when she did it. Well, he thought. He still had some work to do on her. Smiling, James moved in those few inches, until Lily's head rested on his right shoulder. Maybe a change of scenery was what she needed. Maybe going back to school would help. He hoped.

…**scene…**

Lily stood in McGonagall's office. No sooner than after she'd gone to her dormroom after dinner was she stopped by a fifth year Gryffindor, telling her Professor McGonagall wanted to see her as soon as possible.

Lily was lingering over by the large oak bookcase. Her eyes passed titles like _Theories of Transubstantial Transfiguration _and a play called "Hélas, j'ai Transfiguré mes Pieds (Alas, I have Transfigured my Feet)" written by a wizard named Malecrit. Lily smiled slightly at the title. The old Lily might've laughed outright. _Where had she gone_? Lily thought, fleetingly.

Before she could answer her own question, however, the office door opened. McGonagall walked in the room and behind her desk in what was her no-nonsense manner. Sitting down in her chair, she motioned to Lily to take her own seat, and said, "Thank you, Ms. Evans, for meeting with me."

"Of course, Professor." Lily seemed to take her sweet time to walk over and sit in her seat.

"I know you've just gotten back, and you must have things to do to settle back in, and you'd much rather be with your peers at the moment, so I'll make my point brief."

Lily shrugged. "There's no rush."

McGonagall's smallish eyes peered at Lily behind her square glasses, and then nodded a second later. "Hm," was what she had to say.

"Lily,"—Lily noted the Professor's use of her first name, which was pretty informal for her—, "first off, I've heard about…Well, I'd like to extend my sincerest condolences, and a supportive hand—if you were to ever need anything: time, a meeting with one of the staff or me, a certain request—all you need do is ask."

Lily was looking at her, as if they'd been in class and McGonagall was doing nothing more than teaching a lesson on animagis. "Thank you, Professor."

The older woman nodded. "Professor Dumbledore and I had spoken before the holidays about your course schedule. Seeing that your grades are impeccable, your record pristine, and your Head Girl status, I have recommended—and he has agreed—that you be allowed certain advances in your studies."

McGonagall paused for a few seconds here. If she'd expected Lily to say something or make a comment, she was disappointed, because Lily offered none.

"At any rate, if you'd like, you'll be offered advanced classes in the following subjects," McGonagall picked up a piece of parchment off her desk and read off, "Transfiguration, Charms and Defense against the Dark Arts. Few other students in your class have been offered this opportunity. I understand that after Hogwarts, you may want to pursue a career with the Ministry, and believe me, Ms. Evans, this will reflect well on your abilities. Indeed, I'll be surprised if the Ministry isn't chasing after _you_, offering you positions faster than you can turn them down. But make no mistake, this does mean a considerable amount more responsibility." McGonagall studied Lily's expressionless face. "Do you think you can handle it?"

Without wasting time to think, Lily nodded. "Yes."

McGonagall folded her hands over the short, neat pile of paper in front of her. "Now, due to the, er, unfortunate state of affairs, if you feel it's needed, you may take more time before returning to your school work. I've already cleared it with the faculty; we understand if you want more time—"

"No," Lily spoke quickly. "Thank you, but no. That won't be necessary. I would like to start my work again as soon as possible rather than have more aimless time to think about my, um, unfortunate state of affairs." At this, McGonagall flushed slightly at having her own (it seemed) tactless words thrown back at her. "Thank you for the opportunity. I am more than fine with the extra responsibility and feel up to the task." Lily stood up. "Was that all, Professor?"

Minerva McGonagall blinked at the redhead, slightly taken aback at her abruptness at ending the meeting. But she recovered quickly, in true Mcgonagall-fashion. "Certainly. Your revised schedule will be sent to you in the morning. You are dismissed, Miss Evans."

**--scene---_The Next Morning._**

Sirius sat down at his usual chair beside James and Remus at breakfast. He saw Linda glance up at him, her eyes as beautiful as ever. He could hardly believe he was thinking this, with Remus sitting right next to him, chewing his breakfast unaware of the almost-romance between his best friend and ex.

Sirius's fathomless eyes looked up towards the ceiling in frustration. Just as he had, a few owls were flying in. This wasn't unusual; even though it was their first day back, students usually forgot an item or two or twelve at home, and parents sent it along. But what _was_ unusual was that an owl dropped a letter in front of Sirius. He looked at it with an obvious question played on his handsome face. He didn't even _live_ with his family anymore, so he knew that he hadn't forgotten anything at the Black home (Besides, his mother burned whatever of his belongings Sirius _did_ leave behind. He knew because she'd sent him the ashes.). But there it was. A letter with the Black Family Crest in dark black wax.

"Your mum sending more dirt, Padfoot?" James poked in, chewing on his toast.

Sirius pushed back his dark hair. He opened the envelope—warily. He couldn't be too careful. It was from _his _family after all. Inside was a simple letter (not a Howler, or even anything sharp, like Sirius had expected). But as Sirius scanned the page, he noticed his mother's handwriting wasn't its customary elegant, and somehow pompous hand. She had written quickly, sometimes the sentences slanted on the page, and in her haste had forgotten to cross some of her Ts.

It was about Regulus.

His parents were so desperate to find him, they had stooped so low as to ask Sirius. One half of the set of brothers who hated each other so badly, they should never be around each other armed. _Sure_, Sirius thought. _Ask me. _

But Sirius could not feel sorry for his parents; not even now. His sympathy lied with Amelia. The girl who—FOR GOD ALONE KNEW WHAT REASON, because Sirius sure as hell didn't—fell in love with Reg, only to be left, without explanation or goodbye, with a broken, lonely heart.

He looked down the Gryffindor table. She sat by Linda, her breakfast in front of her. She wasn't eating, but rearranging her food artfully on her plate. This was nothing but weird, since yesterday she had seemed so happy to get back to school. When she'd returned to the train's compartment with Linda, all she'd done was check her watch, wondering when they'd "finally get there." And she'd checked her hair in a hand-mirror maybe a hundred times.

Sirius crumpled up the letter.

Later, he had decided to answer his parents' letter. The one imploring him to tell them if he knew where their beloved Regulus was. On a spare piece of parchment in his dorm, he wrote:

"_The hell_ _if I know. I hope, for his sake, he stays gone. Lost to you. From_, your disowned son."

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**Authoress's Notes. (and there are many. I wrote these before I got to finish my chapter, so if they're dated, SORRY):**

**You wouldn't _believe_ how long it took me to spell McGonagall's name correctly. I think I may hold a record for coming up with every single way.**

**I solemnly swear never ever to take this long to post ever again. Ever. **

**Not my best batch, even I feel it's a bit scattered and unanswered, but I needed to set up the next chapter a bit.**

**Harry is now 17. In the books, that is. 25 in our world. What a hottie. Happy b-day, m'boy.**

**Love you all.  
**

**Katie**--Sweets, I was like, CRYING while I read your review. And the _only_ person in this world known to make me cry is JKR. So I've cried 3 times in my life (there might have been others, but no one can prove those): When Sirius died, when Dumbledore died, and when I read your review. I can't believe the stuff you remembered...the lines you quoted...Ok, I might just shed a tear all over again. Oh and how I miss your 2am rants! I love you so much--you're the best. Thanks for the memories.

**snazzysnez**--hey there! Thanks for reading. and thaniel will play into it all again later; I know he's had a long absence.

**Laurel**--hope these posts answered your question! And awww, you remember my first post? That's so sweet, sniff. Btw, where've you been, hun? I haven't talked to you in ages. Edit: a batch of cookies? can feel the cavities My readers spoil me so. I love it.

**Keeks**--Aw, you're smitten on Remus. :pinches cheeks: You're so cute.

**Lacey**--I know, 2 years. It's crazy-ness.

**Wizemunkee**--I know, Sirius _does_ need to focus on Linda, but...what can i say for the male species? They're just so damn clueless.

**Vick**--I could BLUSH with that kinda flattery. LoL you're too sweet. :Offers cookies and milk: And Cheers to you. ;)

**Pia**--I know, it doesn't seem like 2 years. But then...i dunno. Sometimes it seems like forever for me, and other times it's like, hello, ok, it can't have been a whole 2 years.

**Sam**--I always wanna give shoutouts, but im sorely lacking in time! But I'll be better, i promise. :has halo floating on top of head:

**Missy**--Damn. You guessed my first 2 ideas. Hugh and Rabbit, Roger. Psht. Go and ruin the surprise, darnit. ;) LoL love ya. And yeah, why _is_ Remus always the hurting lonely soul? I dunno. Easy target, i guess.

**Singing**--oh thanks, hun. Well, of course Sirius was considerate of Remus. Sirius Black is the perfect specimen as we all know, and perfect specimens are not only HoTTT, but also have the perfect personality, therefore...he's a good friend. :Got lost in fantasy of Sirius: ... :blinks: ...er, I'm back. Hi. What. Oh. Thanks, and love ya.

**Kelly **(sweety)--Oh. You will just have to wait to find out. ;)

**Paddy**--That's right, Linda and Remus did break up, but technically, _he_ broke up with _her. _And she did want him back--she told Sirius once that "she could wait" for Remus if that's what it took. But it seems that now...she's changed her mind. :hums: La, la, la... Tee hee.

**Kaitlyn**--I love that you're one of the only other ppl i know who curses like a sailor/me. And you start off your reviews with 'fuck.' Tee. "I mean, this is me, little miss...Sirius-Black-Is-Orgasmic...And I'm just in awe over how much I liked the thought of Sirius wearing jeans and a charcoal sweater. SERIOUSLY. All of the little detail, and REMUS, oh my FUCK." Ok, so I laughed for about an hour. I LOVE YOU. Or as we Parisians say, "je amour tu." :hugs:

**Ashley**--Oh, thanks for reading! I love when ppl find my story after seeing it on God, that thing was such good advertising, LoL. But yeah, that Lilyevans4 writer you mentioned--that's not me. AT ALL. but just to be clear, my story is 100 original, and if hers is similar, than I'm sure it's just a coincidence. Anywho, thanks again for being here and reading! Drop a line. ;)

**Steph**--I hear ya. I used to love spring because of my bday being in it and all...but really...AUTUMN is the best. THE BEST. The weather is perfect--i'm so sick of summer sun and humidity and crap--and the colors are great, everything's beautiful and the clothes ROCK. Can't wait til September.

**Meg**--So, Ryan, eh:wiggles eyebrows: Keep me posted. Oh, _and_ a bucket full of cookies? Today is my LUCKY day. And I know! BOOK SIX WAS TOTALLY "OH MY GOD"-worthy!

"**M**"--jeez, are my cheeks red? Flattered doesn't really cover it; what you said, about the quality and everything...thanks so much. Hope you stay on as a reader, and i hear from you more often!

**Katie—**Cockroach cluster--Got it! And I swear, I've missed you—and Marius!—so much, too. And yeah, we've got to IM chat—I've got new thoughts on HPB to talk about. I've been rereading the other books, and checking facts in the last one (I'm one busy girl!). And yes, I've. Got. Thoughts. (and this doesn't happen often, so pay attention! LoL).

**Hayley—**Oh my, honey, I am NOT giving up on this story. I would never do that! Why haven't I posted in months? LIFE. I don't know where it came from, or how I got one, but it suddenly kicked me in the ass. First I had exams, then I went on vacation, then relatives keep staying with me (currently it's my aunt from NY; she needs to go home!) and I got a job and we're remodeling my house and I lost three scenes that I had to rewrite from memory and HPB came out and I don't sleep anymore and just….LIFE. I hate it. Plus, I've had this chapter with me for ages; I just could never finish it. And it's been KILLING me not being able to post it. I swear. It's almost all I thought about. But no excuse—I'm rotten with responsibility and deadlines.

**So…how'd you all fare with book 6? **

**My fave new gossip: did you know Ron's middle name is _Bilius?_ :Laughs hysterically: In JKR's words, _Poor boy._**


	19. Say Hello to Guilty Pleasures

**(For those of my readers who've stuck by me, know that I LOVE YOU GUYS and there were too many things that stood in my way while i tried to write this chapter. i'm so happy i've finally been allowed to continue this!)**

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**Last Chapter: Say Goodbye to Innocence...**

**This Chapter Title: ...And Say Hello to Guilty Pleasures.**

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Whenever someone—and you know this is true—in a position of influence (whether it's a leader, a brother, or just a friend) who should always speak in truths, suddenly decides to keep a secret, it is never a good idea. One who is usually honest is only treading on dangerous grounds the moment one decides to go against one's honest nature and keep a secret instead. But sometimes she doesn't know what else to do.

Secrets are kept for reasons a person always keeps to themselves. Some reasons are cloaked in loyalty and devotion, or a _noble_ desire to prevent a drama. But the reason—the _real_ reason—a person will keep a secret is selfish. They do it out of fear. Fear of what she might lose. Fear of who will be angry with her. Fear of what chaos would erupt if the secret that should never have been was spoken aloud. Her blind panic kept her silent, and she feared (as she had every right to) that every moment passed in peace was a small price to pay for a little bit of hell later. But what could she do, really? It was too late to say anything now, and it was only getting _later_. Maybe things would change. She was being selfish. Maybe.

And because of this, Linda hardly slept at night.

* * *

She opened her eyes again, for the twentieth time tonight. At least this time she'd actually managed a full three hours of sleep at once. Linda craned her neck to look outside the window. Practically sunrise. She tried to force herself back to sleep, but when one's head won't stop its thinking, sleep can't come so easily. 

Each night, when she couldn't sleep, Linda made up her mind to just _tell her. _Maybe then she could have peace of mind. Both herself _and _Amelia. Linda figured, _I'll be able to sleep, and Amelia might be able to move on. I should just tell her about what Reg said. About what I know about him. _

_But it's been so long since he told you. She'll hate you for taking so long. Never trust you. Would you trust _her_ if she'd done this to _you? _No you wouldn't. You'd think 'If she kept this from me, what _else_ does she know that I don't?_

Linda's honey-brown eyes opened again. She was exhausted, but couldn't do anything about it. Her mind—well, actually her _guilt_—wouldn't turn off. When she saw Amelia unhappy and checking for letters from Reg…she knew she could do something about it. _Just tell her_. But she always stopped herself. And each day that passed, it was only getting later.

* * *

Amelia checked for owls every morning at breakfast in the Great Hall. It had been more than a month since they'd gotten back to school. Lily was still in her distant mood—and James was still trying to break her shell. Linda and Sirius tried—yet failed—to ignore each other (seemed to prove more than difficult considering they were apart of the same House, same group of friends, and shared more than a few classes together). Remus tried not to notice the changes in their behavior. And Amelia kept…checking the mail. Day after day. Waiting for a letter…a short note…an explanation. Or maybe just a scrap piece of a gum wrapper, with nothing but _I'm safe _scrawled on it. Each day she searched and waited, and each day she left to classes empty-handed. 

"It's not Monday," one of her friends—Lily or Sirius, perhaps—would say.

"I know…" she'd respond in a questioning tone, like she didn't know what the implication was. Of course it wasn't Monday.

"It's just that you're looking up, as if for mail. But there isn't any, of course. Not for another five days, at least. Or did you forget?" No. She didn't. But she thought maybe _one_ owl might come, with one letter.

She fell in love. He broke her heart. What an over-done love story, she'd think to herself, remembering countless books she'd read with an abandoned heroine who searches and awaits her lost love. BULL was what it was. Yet Amelia…still needed to know. Though she hated herself for it, a part of her still loved Reg no matter how hard she tried to squeeze that part out of her mind and heart. But since she couldn't, that very part needed to know why he really left his life, left her.

Amelia was afraid she'd be stuck like this forever. In love with a man, a boy (she wasn't sure which he was. A boy, a man. Sometimes he was both) who left her and would never return. It was hard to imagine her forty-year-old self sitting in her living room alone, still thinking of him when he probably had his own beloved, more perfect wife and family. It was hard to imagine, but not impossible. She did hate herself for loving him.

---

Lily rolled her green eyes at the sight of Amelia, lovesick and heartbroken. What pipe dreams. She tossed her napkin down on the breakfast table and stood to leave. He was waiting for her, they all were. Quick-fix, you could call it, before a long day of classes.

"Where ya off to?" Remus asked by way of an afterthought, as he bit down on a piece of toast.

"Just got something to do before class, that's all." She grabbed her sack. She tried not to notice James glaring at her. Because he knew. Not that he _knew_, but he at least understood that something was being kept from him, and that fact made him more than a little sharp with Lily.

"Oh yeah?" Remus looked up at the redhead teasingly, in one of his lighter moods this morning. His voice was light but there was a hint of a dangerous knowing-ness to it, knowing how to ask just the right accusing question in the most casual, un-accusing tone, and a smile on his face to match. "_Who_ with?"

Lily didn't feel like making up a lie and didn't see the reason why to anyhow. "I'll be late meeting Thaniel." She knew James was fighting back the urge to say something.

Sirius's expression was absolutely wicked yet somehow subdued. "Tango in the broom closet before class? Please, don't let us keep you."

As she walked away from the table, she'd not taken three steps before hearing James finally say, "_Him_, again?"

She didn't turn to face him. "He's my friend, why shouldn't I see him?"

There was a shuffle behind her—he'd gotten up from the table as well—and James brushed by her only pausing to say, "It's not him I give a damn about, it's you. And I don't like the way you are after you've seen him." He left the Great Hall so fast from her, a couple of nearby students were now watching Lily, wondering what the recent commotion was about, why James Potter was in a rage, and watched her now wondering if she—that girl who's mum had recently died in some freak murder, they said—was going to cry.

Lily scoffed, not satisfying anyone, and walked casually out of the Hall as well.

* * *

"You're late, Evans." 

"I'm here, aren't I?" she sat down, taking her place on the floor in the small circle. Thaniel sat next to her, as always. Then it was Robert Kingston and Cecily Beaton, both from Ravenclaw. Last, Victor Cobriana, the only Slytherin. They were the only five people in the room of requirement.

"Better late," said Robert groggily, as if he himself had just woken up, "than never."

"Oh please," Cecily rolled her eyes, her blonde hair in curls today. "Don't worry, Lily, you're not that late. We only just got here ourselves."

"Let's start already," came Victor, his blank expression never wavering.

They all began the spell, muttering the words they now knew by heart. After a few seconds, Lily's mind began to blur (this is how she knew it was working).

Lily remembered when she first came here. She'd been in quite the strop, as she had been ever since the funeral so long ago, and wasn't paying attention when she'd bumped into Thaniel. She'd nearly forgotten about him; the two of them hadn't talked since towards the beginning of the school year and if she hadn't been feeling like hell, she might've felt his awkwardness a bit more. At that moment, she couldn't have cared less.

"Lily, h-hi," Thaniel spoke as if he wasn't sure what words were going to come out. Lily'd been used to it since she returned to school. It's gotten around pretty fast what had happened to her mother over the holidays, and everyone either avoided her or tried to offer condolences without knowing what to say; she didn't blame them, but she would've rather have had everyone stop reminding her.

She had smiled weakly at him, and started to walk away without a word when she heard him say to her, "It's been too long since we've spent any time together, don't you think so?"

Lily turned back to him. He continued. "Could we meet later?"

"I have to see how much classwork I have." She hadn't felt like making a date with him and just wanted to be alone, like usual.

But he wasn't fazed. "If you don't have too much, meet me in the astronomy tower, right? Alright, anyway, I'll be there around eight o'clock tonight and will be there for most of the night if you feel like coming up. I got to go and I can see you do, too, so I'll see you tonight?"

She just shrugged in response. Somehow, he took it as a Yes, and rushed down the hall for his next class.

Lily didn't know why, but she _did _end up meeting him that night. At first, they just sort of shifted uncomfortably, not really speaking. Or rather, Thaniel tried to start conversations, but she was the one who would find a way to end it shortly, by either looking through the telescope, or pretending she hadn't heard him, or just answering his questions as curtly as possible. But as the night went on, Lily found herself easing into conversation, and even smiling at some of Thaniel's jokes. It was as close to normal as she'd been in a long time.

And just like how she had opened up to him once about her parents' divorce (she nearly laughed through tears remembering how the Divorce was the most awful thing in her life. If only she had known what was still to come…), she opened up to him about other things. Not completely—she didn't think she'd ever retell and relive the entire thing over again to anyone ever—but it was more than she'd said since she'd spoken to James at the Wake. Lily told Thaniel about so many of her feelings, the drain she'd been experiencing (even on her magic), how she couldn't see herself getting over this, even how she missed her mother. She didn't know why she was opening up suddenly. Maybe, she thought, it was because it's sometimes easier to say something to someone who doesn't know you that well. And it wasn't the first time she'd run to Thaniel. When the divorce first happened, he'd really helped her find a new perspective on things, and tried to help her through it, discussing how his own parents had been separated. Maybe he could help her now.

After listening to her talk for hours, he _did _offer help. But not the kind Lily had been expecting, or hoping for. No, he offered something which she thought to be _infinitely better. _"I know you miss her," he told her, looking her straight in the eye in a no-nonsense-kind-of-way, "and you always will. It might always hurt, but as time passes, it won't hurt as much. You can always come to me if you want to talk, or not talk, or need help with anything, Evans. But remember that you just need to time, like everyone always does."

With that said, Thaniel sat up straighter, yet relaxed a bit in his shoulders. "So you say you feel a drain in your magic? Now _that's _something I might be able to help you with. You know…to keep you busy until that time you need passes. Meet me on the seventh floor, across from the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy, tomorrow morning before classes."

And the next morning, she did meet him. He introduced her to the three other people she was sitting in a circle with now. Robert, Cecily, and Victor. "See, Evans, me and Robert here found this one spell and it can only be done with other wizards or," he gestured to Lily herself, "witches; a sort of group spell, you see. And it's _brilliant_."

"What is it for?"

He looked like he was so happy she'd asked. "It gives your magic a boost."

She just blinked at him. "A _boost?_" she repeated, as if it was the stupid thing she'd ever heard.

"If done properly, it enhances your power. It doesn't give you any power you don't already have, it just…" he tried to find the words, and then said, "it just raises you to your full potential. Some wizards are more powerful than they know, only they weren't trained to explore all the aspects of their power, so they'll never know how to tap into it and use it." He was speaking excitedly, and she could tell he'd put a lot of faith into this spell. "It's like how we only use ten percent of our brains, and we'll never know how to get to the other ninety percent. But this way, we help each other to become aware and use _all_ of our power."

"What are the side-effects?" Lily asked suspiciously. Why had she never heard of this spell? But then she remembered Thaniel's knack for getting into the Forbidden Books section.

"There are none," he replied, but she could almost hear the 'that I know of' in his voice. "Only thing is the spell is temporary. It only works for a day, then you have to perform it again." He pulled her to the side, so the others couldn't hear. "You don't have to be apart of this if you don't want to. I just thought with what you said last night…about feeling withdrawn and suspecting your magic to be pretty beat, that maybe this would be the thing for you."

Without hesitating, she joined. And every morning after a quick breakfast but before classes, she went to the seventh floor.

Now, sitting on the floor in this unknowable room surrounded by her new collaborators, Lily's mind began to clear again. The connection between the five broke, and Lily instantly felt…_happy._ Powerful. Strong. Smart. Sharp. As if she had all the energy in the world, and nothing or no one could hold her back.

* * *

**_  
Gryffindor Common Room—midday—during a break between classes. _**

Linda walked up to where Sirius held court, her voice nearly catching in her throat. He was sitting with James and a few other gryffindors sat around them as they all chatted about the upcoming Quidditch match or some such nonsense. She hovered just out of the group; she didn't quite know how to get his attention without being too obvious. _Was it too late to turn back?_ she wondered. Yep, too late. He already spotted her. Spotted her standing back and staring at him, at least.

Sirius muttered a quick 'later, mate' to James and swung off the couch he'd been sitting on. He caught up to Linda and jammed his hands in his pockets. Linda was almost disappointed. She could remember back before their little '**almost**-affair' ever happened, back when they were just friends; Sirius would usually greet her with a kiss on the cheek or something. An absolute flirt—especially with her—he'd do little things like push her hair back from her face, hug her, or just spend time with her. Now, he kept his hands where she couldn't see them: behind his back or in his pockets, and made sure to keep his distance in case a touch sent her the wrong message. Oh, heaven forbid.

He opened his mouth to speak—she cut him off, before he could say Hello. "We need to talk," she said flatly, not knowing what she was doing—or if she should even be doing it. But the thought was there in her head, plaguing her. _Just say something_, she kept thinking. _Maybe if you tell _him_, it all won't be so bad._ She pulled Sirius into his empty dorm room. She turned to him now, taking a deep breath, trying to muster up as much courage as possible. She noticed when she turned to him just then how his sultry brown eyes looked at her. Confused, but _interested_. She noticed those eyes boldly taking her in…and how his jaw was strong…

_Stop that, _Linda inwardly chastised._ This is no time for that_. She had to focus, even if his bottom lip _was _perfectly shaped and—_STOP it._

"What did you want to tell me?" Sirius asked, his hands now behind his back (oh, what a shock), and a hint of amusement in his voice. He probably thought Linda was just Crying Wolf or something, as some desperate attempt to get him alone with her. How humiliating.

"First," she tried to say steadily, but she was sure it was going to come out all in a rush even though she'd practiced everything she'd wanted to say, "I want you to promise you won't hate me; I wouldn't be able to handle that." When Sirius gave her an odd look, but agreed, she had to fight the urge to bolt. Because she couldn't. "I should've told you—told everyone—along time ago. But… I couldn't. I _couldn't. _And if I repeated it, it would just make what he told me real, and I didn't want it to be real—" was it just her, or was her voice shaky? "Because I didn't want to believe it. I just kept hoping it wasn't true. Besides, who could I have told, really? Who would have believed me? It was _such_ a story—he only told me _parts _of it anyway, there are still a lot of holes so that none of it makes any sense really—"

Sirius stopped her; she realized she was running on, talking nonsense. "Wait," he said, in his always unruffled, calm voice. "Who's 'he'?"

"Reg, of course."

"What? What do you mean OF COURSE? Wait—so, _Reg_ told you something? _When_?"

"He told me," Linda said, looking down, up, left right. Away. No way was she going to face anyone—face _him,_ "that he was going to try to get out."

"_When_ did you speak to Regulus?"

"I didn't know what was going to happen. Sirius, _believe me._"

"After he left? Before? Linda, when? Before he disappeared or after?"

"Before." She couldn't read his eyes, his face. He was just so Sirius about it. Poker-faced and unreadable.

"How long before? Before Christmas?"

"Before…we even left school for holiday break."

"Linda, that was over month ago," Sirius looked at her; she was practically shaking. "You tell Amelia?"

Linda shook her head, and now her voice was definitely breaking, though she was trying hard to keep it composed. "She'd hate me. Lily, too."

Sirius rubbed his neck. "Depends on what he said. What you kept from us."

And Linda told him. Not much, however, since there wasn't too much to tell. Reg really _hadn't _told her anything too concrete. Just short of enough. Linda told Sirius about how Reg was part of a group of followers of this new Voldemorte character. How he'd told her that he was planning on getting out, and that he might be gone for a while to do just that. How Reg was sure something big was going to happen; only he didn't say what. And how Lily's headaches were more than just headaches.

Sirius was sitting, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. Rubbing his face, he managed to whisper, "My stupid brother."

"It's not all his fault—"

"The hell it isn't." Sirius could hide a lot of his emotions sometimes, but the rage he was feeling now…there _was_ no hiding it. "He joins _their _lot, and helps them commit all the things that make us afraid to even _open_ the _Daily Prophet _anymore, and when he supposedly sees the error of his ways, he doesn't _do_ anything about it?"

"He did do something. He came to _me_."

"Lot of good that did," Sirius spat.

That one sentence was like a punch in her gut. And it was true. But worse off, it was exactly what she was afraid he'd say. He hated her, and she knew it was entirely her fault. Her cowardice, her silence.

----

The minute he'd said it, he was actually sorry. Sirius bit his lip in anger, and looked up at Linda. She looked the definition of shamed. Usually she was extraordinarily pretty, and put together. But he could tell now that she was…_tired._ Her hair lacked its usual bounce; her face looked drained and tired. Like she'd been beating herself up about this. It was obvious that it'd taken a lot of guts for her to say what she did, and finally admit to it.

Sirius stood and walked over to her, bending his head down slightly to look at her. Even now, with those bags under her eyes, he couldn't help but think that she was stunning. "I'm sorry." He pulled her into a strong hug, rubbing her back. "You didn't deserve that."

She nodded helplessly against his shoulder, implying _Yes_, _she_ _did._

"I'm glad you told me," he spoke softly to her now, hoping to calm her. _Why _Reg would tell Linda of all people (Linda, who actually made no secret of her dislike for the Other Black Brother) this huge burden, Sirius still didn't understand. Maybe because, out of all the people connected to Amelia, she was the safest bet. Maybe. He wished Linda had never had this damn secret to keep. It wasn't for her. He wished he could've kept her from this.

He stepped back a bit from her and gave her face an appraisal. "You look a right bloody wreck." He smiled. She let out a sound that was halfway between a sob and a chuckle.

"Shut up," she smiled, too, in spite of herself, and instinctively tried to neaten and pull her hair back.

"You haven't even been sleeping much, have you?"  
She tried not to redden, but one can not help such things, she thought. Did she really look that much of a fright? "No, I haven't really."

"We ought to fix that, don't you think?" he suggested, guiding her to his bed near the window.

Linda sniffed. _Now? _"But I have class next—"

"We'll skip them."

---

**_Okay…time passes…  
_**

Linda slept a bit more soundly as long as Sirius stayed with her. Her body relaxed alongside his, her head against his shoulder. From time to time, he'd hear her gasp, and look down to see her beginning to wake up, as if startled. In her unsettling sleep, she'd sometimes pull away from him. Sirius stroked back her light brown hair, and smiled comfortingly. "Go back to bed," he spoke softly, and pulled her closer to him.

Linda woke up again, a few undisturbed hours later, in Sirius's arms. Smiling to herself, remembering that he'd brought her here to his dormroom to rest. She wasn't used to sleeping next to guys in general (the thought alone would've had her nervously biting her nails down to the cuticle or breaking out into hives), but with Sirius...it was so natural. She nestled her body nearer to his, and her cheek against the warmth of his neck.

"Hey," he whispered to her, as sleep hung around him almost alluringly. He wore every thing, every expression with such charm. Sirius was even charming when he was groggy and half-awake.

"I didn't mean to wake you."

He looked down at her, their faces only inches apart. "Don't worry about it. Did you sleep well?"

Linda nodded, returning his always-enchanting smile. Sirius was looking after her, and this bit of knowledge gave Linda a delightful little squirm in her stomach, pleased that he…well, _cared_. He'd kept trying ignore her before, avoid her ever since they'd kissed, out of some loyalty towards Remus. This irked her to no end, seeing as how she and Remus had both moved on _months _ago, and there really was nothing else standing in her and Sirius's way to see if this….friendship? feeling? spark? Out-of-nowhere fling?...would lead to anything bigger.

What made it harder to be this annoying "just friends" thing was that Linda, well, rather _liked _being this physically close to him. Harder than even that, she was sure she was addicted to the feel of him. And the way he'd kiss her….she was almost sure he still wanted her. Maybe. She hoped.

Abruptly, she was brought out of her stupor of thought when she felt Sirius's hand slide onto her hip, pulling her even closer against him. He was propped up on an elbow, looking at her as if nothing was wrong. As if his hand _wasn't _ON HER HIP, pulling her practically on him. She couldn't even think straight. Not that this wasn't something she hadn't thought about, but maybe she was more than a little surprised to learn that _he _had, too.

_Damn that tempting smile of yours, Black._ Right now, they were in the most compromising of positions. So close, and just a little more to go. He was even _leaning in_ towards her, his lips so inviting and wicked.

But a stupid, nagging, questioning and curious part of her gut pulled away. She pulled back the comforter, got out of the bed, and stood away from it, leaving a poor stunned Sirius lying there alone.

"Why?" Linda blurted out, not sure what she was even asking. She stuck her hand out in front of her, like a crossing guard signaling STOP.

Sirius, sitting up, looked at her incredulously and absolutely confused. "_What_?"

She needed to think. What was that nagging part of her trying to say? _Why does he want to kiss you now? So he can pull back later, like he did before? Because you happened to be there, in his bed, and it was convenient? What about all that blither-blather about Remus being his best mate, and how he could never do that to him? Where did all those righteous words that he slapped in your face go? He can't keep doing that; kissing you and then saying "Oops, never mind."_

"Why were you about to kiss me?"

Sirius looked almost embarrassed now. Well, who wouldn't? A person doesn't just throw themselves out there so that they can be put on the spot. But she was determined to know. "I just—"

"What? Thought that you could do it because I happened to be here? You can't do that, Sirius. You can't keep making me want you and then pull back—" Oh God, did she just admit to _wanting him_? Linda was sure she was blushing a million times over. It's one thing for him to pretty much know that little fact; it's an entirely different thing to admit it so plainly like that. She wasn't sure this talk was going the way she wanted. Where's a time-turner when you need one?

He jumped out of the bed and faced her now, rising to his full height challengingly. "And _you_ can't just come to me out of the blue and tell me something like _that_ without me being affected by it."

_Wait, _she thought to herself._ I think I missed something. _"Something like what? You mean what I told you about Reg?"

He stepped up, holding her firmly by the shoulders. "_Why_ did you tell _me_, Linda? Why not tell Amelia, your best friend? Or Lily—your family! Or Remus, who you _know_ would have stepped up and helped you if you wanted him to? Or James, who always has a clear head about everything? And why, after not being able to sleep a full night for ages, can you sleep so well beside _me_?"

She was at a loss for words. "W-well…I mean, Amelia I couldn't tell…she would hate me for it and there's, you know…And Lily, too, she's got her own problems to deal with right now. I didn't tell the others because…well, I…" she shrugged and simply said, "I dunno," Sirius kept his hold and gaze on her, still waiting for a real answer. She didn't know what to tell him. So instead she shouted again at him, "I don't know!"

"Fine!" he shouted back just as loudly. "Forget why you didn't tell them. Why _did _you tell me?"

"Because, I trust you, and I mean…" Earlier, everything had sounded so clear in her head. Now, everything was muddled up, and words flowed out of her mouth like a river of nonsense.

He was still for an answer. "Because," she finally said, letting out a calming breath to control her frustration. "I just _wanted_ to."

Sirius kissed her without missing a beat, and she had the sudden sensation falling, but being caught at the same time. Like riding down a steep roller coaster, feeling the thrill of danger yet knowing you're completely safe.

His hands slipped from her arms—one fell down to the small of her back and the other just behind her neck, beneath her hair. She felt him tighten his hold on her, almost afraid of letting go.

The kiss, which started out sort of intense and fast, was now sweetly slowing down. Linda felt his chest rise against hers; they were both somehow out of breath. She found herself pulling away, and he—with _very_ obvious refusal at first— finally let her.

"What," her voice was a strange whisper, more out-of-breath than soft and quiet, "are you doing?"

His rakish smile broke out like he couldn't help it. "I'm not sure just yet." He pulled her back to him. "But I'll let you know." His lips hovered near her own, but didn't—wouldn't—touch them. Sirius slid his hand just beneath the hem of her shirt, and placed it on her waist, just below the bottom of her ribs. She half-expected his hand to…well, _travel_, but it didn't go either up (to more, er, mountainous regions) or even down. It just stayed there, on the side of her waist, while he just looked down at her. Then she realized he wasn't trying to "get further" or be too bold. It was just about touching her skin, being in contact. He just wanted to be close. And his mouth was just a touch away from hers, if only he'd…

He pulled his face away from hers, leaving a few inches between them, so that he could catch her gaze instead. But she had a hard time looking into those sultry eyes of his… so full of mystery. A world she didn't know. _At least if we kissed_, she thought, _then I'd know what to do._ But this gazing at her…it was like he could _see_ her. All of her. She felt completely bare. And his hand under her shirt probably didn't help much either.

Sirius placed his other hand at the back of her neck, and let it slide down to the bend between her throat and collarbone. What frustration! Here he was, in the _perfect_ position to kiss her again, and Linda couldn't understand why he was just LOOKING at her. Then she noticed his eyes break their gaze and flicker for a second or two down to her lips. Here they were: she could feel the heat from his hands against her skin, there was no space between them as he held her against him, and he was practically undressing her with his eyes…

"Just kiss me," Linda demanded softly. The slightest of smiles tugged at his full lips, so close to her own. That prick. He was _teasing _her.

Not liking being teased at all, she began to pull away. Didn't get far though, because just as she took a step back, he let out a laugh and pulled her back against him.

His lips were on hers again, and she was more than receptive. She wanted this, and he finally _let _himself want it, too. No more games. And the more time they let pass like this, the harder it was to stop.

They were moving along fast…maybe even too fast. He couldn't stop; she wouldn't let him, the passionate current between them practically electrifying them into submission. She didn't let go, he held on too tight. After a few more rounds of this, Linda (being a girl who always knew what she wanted. And, now, she wanted Sirius) loosened his tie, and began undoing some of the buttons on his shirt. He responded by doing the same to hers. She could've screamed out loud at the feel of his hand traveling down her front, unbuttoning her top. Ok, she was sure—there was _no _turningbacknow. As soon as they'd discarded both items, Linda and Sirius sort of pulled each other towards his bed, as if with the same thought.

Falling back on the bed, Linda had no intention of stopping now. Somewhere in her head a voice, lost in the backshelves of her mind where common sense and superego rested at the moment, thought all of this was perhaps too fast, almost _mad_, and that in a more abstemious moment she would've stopped long before this point. It told her that she shouldn't, but she couldn't help it. Sirius was like her own guilty pleasure in a way. And that voice, that thought, was all but deafened, and Linda couldn't even hear it anymore.

They drew the curtains around the four-poster, and no one thought to disturb them for quite some time.

--

**I've already started the next chapter, and hopefully it'll be up soon. Read & Reply. My love to you. xoxo.**


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